AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

Sorry to hear of this situation, especially with your health condition.

I think when dealing with a person who doesn’t respect boundaries, it isn’t enough to express your feelings however strongly you do so. A definite “No, that’s not going to be possible” is needed. Alongside a reminder about who is paying for and therefore hosting the holiday. If this is ignored, then you are perfectly within your rights to contact the child’s mother whatever your MIL says.
It’s great your husband is supportive emotionally of your health needs. But as he isn’t in the habit of standing up to his mother by himself, perhaps a united front is needed in this type of situation, with both of you setting clear boundaries together.

With the current situation, it’s too late to change the overall arrangements (as you say it would be unfair on the child) but I think as another poster suggested, it’s perfectly reasonable to insist that MIL, her partner and the other child sleep in the campervan and ok to say ‘“you have gone against our wishes in inviting said child, it’s your responsibility to take care of her”. Whether or not insurance conditions support this idea. I would also let your MIL know that if she’s doesn’t manage the child’s behaviour, she will need to take her home - which gives me another idea, you could say the child can stay for three nights only; this way she gets a holiday but it’s more manageable for you and you get some proper holiday the rest of the week.
By the way, I’m not being critical of how you have handled the situation, you have obviously communicated your feelings to your MIL and she isn’t respecting them. And having a health condition does make all the boundary setting harder, it takes such as lot of energy.

I hope things work out ok for the holiday and your health.

Have a lovely holiday without the extra baggage, you sound like you deserve a break with the ones you love. Hope you've univited the others.

@Heathercost tell PILs that they will have to sort their own accommodation. Your Airbnb may not agree to a camper van on the premises.

If you CBA to read it, then scroll on by. Laziness and entitlement to expect the OP to summarise it for you @Cherrytree86

Who does this child belong to, Your DH should have said no to them randomly inviting another child it changes the whole dynamic

100%. OP could just proceed as with her holiday as she was intending to. It’s one extra kid on a family trip, not some epic disaster. She doesn’t have to engage with her much at all if she doesn’t want to. If the girl tries to, I don’t know, burn down the gaff (or insert other outlandish nightmare scenario) then tell the PILs to take her home. I just wouldn’t and couldn’t bother myself to set up a big ‘it’s her or us’ show-down when the other person is a little girl.

Is she "a little girl"?

The OP says she is a lot older than her own children, has major behavioural issues and can be violent!

If the OP has only limited holiday time and is recuperating from a major health issue, why should she have to put up with the presence of somebody who was never invited in the first place?

Perhaps you can take her on holiday with you

OP has said on several occasions that she has paid for the cottage. There is no reason to think she's trying to be sneaky by omitting that she only means part of the cottage.

She knows it's off of her MiL to invite the niece and that her MiL has no right to do this. OP's issue is that she's scared of the fall out of holding her boundary since they are obviously happy to run roughshod over her.

I'm glad you've sent a message, OP. I'm unclear what you've said to them though.

Have to agree with several other posters that your DH has really let you down here. I would be really unhappy with him. But I'd probably focus my anger on MiL as she is the one who needs handling at the moment. I think you need to not hold back - a big blow up will probably be easier both to maintain and get over, than something more passive and accommodating.

Blow up at her this time. In the future just hold your ground and say you don't want to have to cause another scene like last time because she is taking advantage again.

It’s a child ffs. And health condition is going to remain the same regardless however as the adult the OP can crack on and enjoy her rest, refusing to deal with any childcare responsibilities or suchlike.
And I don’t know the girl or her family, so obviously I won’t be taking her away with me and my family on our next getaway 🙄 how bloody weird.

DH sounds like a wet blanket. Ahhh he’s disappointed too, but what’s he bloody doing about it? Just leaving it all to you when it’s HIS family!! Put your foot down and get him to sort it!!

Sorry if someone else had mentioned this, I haven't read every post, but I'm pretty sure you can't have extra people sleeping on site at holiday cottages??? I would check your booking but I'm pretty sure for insurance purposes sleeping in a camper is a No No.

Frankly if they are still coming I’d go on strike at home. Dh doesn’t want the argument? Well then the holiday will be shit so dh can give you a mini holiday by taking on all the house load for the next few weeks. You are bracing yourself for the shit holiday because he doesn’t want to stand up for his family, guess that makes him the family skivvy.

It feels wrong because it is wrong. Stop pandering to everyone. Cancel the wales holiday and book a relaxing holiday for Ur immediate family only. The PIL are using you. You have said no to other child and they ignored you. That is completely unacceptable. U r too nice OP. Time to put on big girl pants and hold the line. Ditch that holiday. Say you haven't been well and need a break this year. A holiday with too many kids isn't happening this year. Take charge of this situation. It's Ur holiday time, not theirs. I feel a bit of outrage for u. Ur being used.

When I read your first post OP, I thought you were maybe being a tiny bit dramatic. But having read the updates - omg! I'm angry on your behalf.

i am pretty non confrontational so i get how you feel about kicking up a stink over this.... but YANBU at all, and your in laws sound like such CFs that honestly, to hell with them.

I actually do think they need to be disinvited now, even if it causes drama. They are disrespectful and don't care about upsetting you. They let you down.

I hope you get a lovely week away with just your own family.

Actually it’s the OP’s booking. She invited her in-laws to join her holiday. The MIL is just an invited guest who chose to invite someone else along.

Given al the updates OP, you are way past compromise here. You tried being nice, you tried being clear, and you tried your version of sticking up for yourself and your kids. None of that worked so it’s time to accept you need to push past your discomfort and be firm about your boundaries. Your husband needs to be on your side here too - his family, his problem really.

I think first step is just admitting your kids are not as important to your in-laws as this child. That’s hard to accept but it will help you reframe things. That’s just how it is and you can’t change or fix it.

So therefore forcing a closer relationship is pointless. It isn’t going to happen and it won’t work. So make your peace with it. Your kids are tremendously lucky to have two parents who love and support them. Extended family would be a bonus, but this relationship isn’t the one you wanted and that’s okay.

Then channel whoever speaks to you and be loud and strong and maybe what will feel like a little bit rude. Say what you actually feel and don’t keep making accommodations or apologising. It’s okay to create the life and holiday you want - particularly as you’re the only one paying for it in both time and money. Say no and mean it. There is nothing to feel guilty about here.

Jeez this thread is frustrating. Just say niece from the outset rather than “a child”. So your husband’s sister’s kid then? Why doesn’t your husband immediately contact the sister (regardless of whether the mum thinks it’s a good idea) and say no, sorry, niece is not coming, no room. And then if the mum starts objecting just keep saying no, she is not coming and if she shows up, we will drop her back to yours. Be really firm. She sounds like a nightmare as well.

I think that’s too harsh on him. It’s not that he’s backing the MIL, that would be out of order certainly. He’s clearly got a mother that’s consistently run roughshod over his feelings, wants and needs his whole life. For anyone who hasn’t experienced this they can’t imagine feeling like he does but I can see both for the OP and her DH it seems impossible to stay no to her. That’s why the OP is proud of herself because by reiterating her feelings she’s actually doing much more than she would normally do.

In his head he’s like seven years old and she’s like the adult. It’s almost terrifying to stand up to her when she’s being difficult. It can change and he can start to stand up to her but usually someone needs therapy to learn how to do this because it’s unconscious, ingrained patterns of behaviour.

That’s why these people drive me mad because she’s really a bully that’s bullied him forever. It sounds like the daughter is the golden child who has never had any consequences for her actions and has brought the daughter up the same way which is why she is unpleasant and violent. It’s just as much of a shame for her because it doesn’t make you an agreeable person to be around.

Anyway this is why encouraging and supporting the OP to stand up to the MIL and maybe to encourage her to put in some boundaries at least is more effective than saying why don’t you say no, or why doesn’t your husband stand up to his mum.

Why do I think this? Just look at the camping situation where grown adults thought it was okay to leave the OP responsible for their children without checking with her beforehand and the OP didn’t go absolutely apeshit about it like most people would. Or the fact the mother was confident about just inviting the DGD without informing the OP. It wreaks of entitlement and years of running roughshod over someone.

Give us an update please op?

So your PILs are not contributing anything??

They decided they wanted to go on holiday.
They chose the place they wanted to go.
They invited you.
But it was you that paid for it all???

Sorry OP but if this is the case then you and your DH are the biggest wet wipes I’ve heard of.

The niece is completely irrelevant.

The bigger issue (apart from having a DH who has no respect for you) is that they’ve apparently invited you on a holiday that they wanted to go on but aren’t contributing?

Why did you not say, before booking the accommodation - it’s X price, if you transfer her Y amount of money now then we can book it?

Why when they said about niece coming, did you not turn around and simply say it’s not allowed?
That their 2 choices were either uninviting her or them getting a separate accommodation to fit her in?

You say she also has siblings but they haven’t been invited, why?
And she’s still going to be in school and her mum is going to have to pay a fine.

The more you post, the more unrealistic this sounds.

Any response OP?
It's tomorrow you go isn't it?

Nothing but support for you, OP.

So what was the outcome of the message @Heathercost?
To be honest, if this is real you guys have paid for the holiday. It’s your one week with your children. It’s for seven people. End of.
Oh and why would the niece be included but not the siblings?
I’m sceptical here to be honest.

She is always the one that gets chosen to do extra things when the others get left behind. Basically I expressed how I felt. Said it’s not right and said about the insurance etc. little did we know they were already driving up and staying in the van a few days before the cottage. It is what it is. We will make the most of it.my children have been packing their toys and clothes all week so I can’t do it to them to take that away from them for something that wasn’t my fault. Lesson learnt and we will never ever do this again and they now know they too. I’ve drawn a line under it. I don’t want an atmosphere. But yeah. Not too happy but been put in a corner

You should definitely never go on holiday with them again, or trust them at all after this behaviour.