AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

If you're going to be an arsey cow at least be correct. Op literally says "we paid" on her 2nd post.

Not being arsey but we could have meant PIL too. If PIL have paid nothing they are CFs.

If it's your booking, in your name, and you and your DH paid then just tell them no extra people!

They can come without their golden grandchild and spend precious time with just your kids on your one week of holidays where you are planning on spending time with just them and their grandparents, or they can stay home.

Whoever the parents are of this child it’s clear that those parents are more important to the MIL than you and your family. So they will be prioritised no matter how sick you are . So it’s not about being unreasonable or not it’s about facing what is happening and responding accordingly. If it were me I would prioritise my health and my family. The MIL etc is not prioritising you and your family at all , which is appalling given the health issues you have described. This is is so serious, you must prioritise yourself and your health and do not feel responsible for explaining anything to MIL, she has demonstrated that she ultimately does not care about you or the pressure she is putting you under , I really wish you well and hope very much you can let go of worrying about someone who clearly doesn’t have the same regard for you .

Oh and your DH is being an absolute wet lettuce not dealing with them himself directly considering your health issues. 😡

As you've paid, I'd say either you come without extra child or, if you want a week with child, don't come. Go somewhere else without us and we'll enjoy the cottage we booked and paid for.

It astounds me the brass neck they've got that they think they can go on a holiday you've paid for, while you stay home, because they've invited an extra person who isn't welcome.

I'd be very clear that you are going, she is not, and if they can't cope with that then THEY are welcome to stay at home. 'oh, please come' my arse. How dare they try and steal your bloody holiday!

Tbh even if she doesn't come now you're not going to have a pleasant time away with them, it's probably best to tell them they've really upset you, you need space, so it's best they don't come at all.

Also, I may have read this wrong, but is the mother suggesting you will pay the school fine?! You said she's decided I will pay, I hope you meant her, not you?!

You booked it. You paid for it. Specifically because they said they wanted to spend time with your kids.

You say "this isn't what I agreed to. I'm cancelling the holiday if you don't tell them she can't come."

They're a bunch of absolute cheeky fuckers. They've asked you to take them on holiday, you've gone and bloody bought them a holiday and they've gone and invited someone else as well. Nah. Tell them it's cancelled and just take your kids.

Just RTFT and you absolutely shouldn’t hesitate to uninvited MIL, her DP and the niece. Glad you’ve sent a message. Please stand firm.

Don’t bother coming up with campervan ideas which leave you open to emotional blackmail about niece needing a bed or similar.

And ignore any nonsense about you disappointing the niece.

Whatever you do, however you do it, do not end up with these thoughtless people and a ‘violent’ niece on your precious holiday.

If you've paid for it just say they aren't coming now unless they want to stump up half for it ffs.
Op I feel for you but you and hubby need to stop being such pushovers.
I hope you are able to get the holiday you wanted, don't go on a break with them again as they clearly have form for this behaviour.

As kindly as I can OP, you and your husband are being doormats and you've taught this toxic family of his to walk all over you. It's time to find your teeth and start baring them at his relatives.

How dare your disgraceful excuse for MIL invite an extra person on a holiday she is not paying for. What an arrogant, entitled b-word. Who cares if the truth hurts her, its about time she heard it. You are ill and you need to be prioritised. The terrible teen absolutely should not be gatecrashing someone else's holiday at everyone else's expense. The entirlement of the teen's mother. All these people in your husband's family need to start hearing the word NO and hearing it a lot more than they have to date.

I'm glad you've had a drink to give you some courage. Don't you dare back down or apologise when they get upset. It's your turn to be upset, furious and hurt by their appalling actions. Let them have it with both barrels. It's about time.

Yep. Utterly pathetic.

I will call the child's mum and say something like this "Unfortunately, due to the cottage's strict maximum occupancy rules, your little darling can't come and MIL's kind partner can't sleep in the camper van due to his sudden back pain and doctors recommendation.
I understand this might be disappointing for your child, but don't worry, amazing mother in low and partner can take your little darling somewhere special, just the three of them, to make up for this misunderstanding. I will bring her some candy as a little treat as well.Oh and on the bright side, she won't miss any school, and you won't have to pay a fine.
Then, I will inform MIL you have sorted the situation and everyone will now enjoy the holidays.

Call SIL and tell her that because of the child's behavioural issues, she can't come. You don't need permission to talk to who you choose.

You need to let go of the idea that you have to persuade your family members to agree with you, and just tell them how it's going to be. Or this pattern will continue forever. Stand firm!

It’s your money, you decide. MIL is infantilising her son, treating him like a child still and calling the shots. Your DH has to behave as the adult he is and say enough is enough. She may be his mother but he doesn’t need to have his needs dismissed and by proxy yours. She’s just walking all over you both.

Sometimes we think if we keep explaining a person will eventually understand but that’s not always the case.

No is a whole sentence. You don’t need to keep explaining. You don’t even need to speak about your health.

It’s your money and your holiday. They are free loading on your generosity and walking all over you.

Re-establish the boundary. There is no extra child. It’s your holiday and you’re going on the original plan. If they text please come you say there’s been a change of plan.

You’ve realised it’s your money and your holiday and therefore you will be going and under no circumstances will any one else be allowed to set foot in the house. Your names are on the contract and you’re not taking the risk.

OP, the only good thing is it’s absolutely clear, you will never book another holiday with this awful woman again. She has burnt all her bridges

I am trying to be fair but honestly - you sound so petulant. Yes it’s your weeks leave, yes a child you don’t want to join your holiday will be coming along - but you are still getting time away and it may not be exactly as you imagined but be a grown up and have fun anyway - be kind and nice for everyone going

If you paid nothing you have nothing to lose. Cancel going and get your husband to tell his family exactly why you wont be going then book something yourselves. Also why are you messaging your in laws about this? This is your dh family he needs to step up and tell them his views if not your scapegoated and blamed.

My Dh gets told by me he deals with his family and I deal with mine. His are way more tricky than mine due to intertwined and toxic elationships. I have made it perfectly clear i am not getting involved in that dynamics and nor are our kids. Thankfully having seen how damaging it is he pulls our kids back from it all before i have to. However he is a grown man and needs to act like one by placing boundaries on his family and you cannot do that by burying your head in the sand. Tell your dh to man up and do the same because he has to put his wife and kids first here. If he does it will stop then walking over the both of you going forward.

And by the way - a glass of Dutch courage - fine, if you need the edge off. But don't be going into this half-cut or get fighting-drunk because it will disempower you. Keep the element of control.

And I say this from experience too, darling... 🤗

Tell them you contacted the holiday company and they have told you unfortunately if you turn up with an extra person they will have to cancel your holiday and not be refunded. I can’t stand people like this. Shame you couldn’t have emailed the booking company to ask and then have proof they would decline your request (which I’m almost certain they would). You could have sent them this and sorry no go! I really hope you get this sorted as I completely understand where you’re coming from. If the worst happens and they still bring her you need to ask them to contribute a large chunk seeing as they invited her and not you! Please do NOT pay for her food and drinks, you have you own family to cater for and go to work for xx

Do you know what? This is what should happen:

DH: Mum, you’re going to have to sort this out. Xxx has been really ill as you full well know, she has one week to spend with us and DC and does not have capacity for ‘extra child’ who has form for being difficult. What were you thinking?

she is not coming and it’s on you to explain why she is uninvited. See you tooorrow.