AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

OP doesn't want the easy option.

Make it about emotion and feelings = lose

Make it about logic and contracts = win

Agreed. FGS just tell them the extra child can't come, the venue is booked for the original attendees.

Why are you and your other half scared of your in-laws?

If you can cancel the holiday, I would.

Make the call OP.

"I'm really sorry but there has been a bad call made on the holiday and disappointing as this will be, it's just not going to work with XXX coming. I have been very ill as you may know, and I need a rest and to spend the short break that I have with my DC only. I am exhausted, still not well and not willing to be a responsible adult for another child on the one week I have away this year. Even without my illness and limited time off, XXX would change the dynamic of the break as we would be having to look at different activities to accomodate her and so on, and I don't have the energy, capacity or willingness this time.

The cottage is only insured for 7 and although MIL did offer to sleep in the camper van, this is not the holiday we planned. This is our first holiday as just us, and I am not comfortable with a completely new arrangement.

Sorry if XXX feels let down. If I completely honest, I feel let down that this arrangement was even put into place as I would never have agreed to it this year. I'm sure we can do something nice with her one weekend over the summer when I feel better. "

Yes - if the PIL won't uninvite the niece tell them that you are cancelling the entire thing, then book somewhere for yourselves.

If the PIL say they will uninvite the niece but still turn up with her, then you, your DH and your DC just turn around and go back home. Write off the cost of the holiday.

(Personally I don't understand why couples want to go on holiday with their parents and inlaws. My wife and I get on well with our respective parents and inlaws, but neither of us would ever dream of going on holiday together with them. Particularly if you are all sharing a cabin. Yuk!!!)

Oh, not what you claimed then, @chocoluv?!

You and DH paid? So phone the child's mother and say that there's no room for her and she can't come. Tell her that you are confused why she would think she was invited since you and your DH didn't invite her.

If and when your in laws start whinging tell them that they are free not to come and to do something with the other child. If they continue to complain tell them that perhaps it would be better if they didn't come either.

You have not and will not answer as to whether your PILs contributed to the cost of the cottage. You will only say the child's parent hasn't been asked to contribute.

If you have paid for the entire cottage yourselves, the only message you need to send is 'we have cancelled the holiday'.

So aggressive! 'You have not and will not' ?? OP can give us what info she likes. You are not the post-police.

I honestly can’t believe they have even invited people when you’ve paid!

Alternatively if PIL have paid half, “We won’t be going on the holiday. End of discussion”

She has said numerous times that her and DH paid for the cottage!

I'm probably the age your PILs are, but had to deal with my own parents and PILs at about your age... manipulators gonna manipulate. That whole 'don't cancel, we'll do it' then 'oops, no, we didn't at the last minute' - been there, these games they all play... It's insulting that they think you are children to be manipulated - I bet your DH had that all his life, which is why he's so ineffectual now. It happens.

I know it's upsetting and stressful, and I feel for you. But you do have to draw a few hard lines now. Your DH won't have the wherewithal to do it, so you have to take the reins and do it now, for yourself - annoying but true. Be brave enough to be the 'baddie'. If you stand up to them, your DH may well realise it is possible, and you start to break the spell.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking 'only through ill health do I have the grounds to stand up for myself.' You not wanting to do something is enough. Whatever reason or excuse you give will never be enough for them, they will argue and wheedle and pick away at it it like a seagull with a winkle. Let your Yes be Yes and your No be No, babe!

Honestly, you are upset because your boundaries are being horribly trampled! It's good to find your determination and self-defence! These are the situations in which you get to practice being assertive. It feels horrible when you start doing it, but it makes life much easier in the long run.

Power to you! ✊

I don’t understand the difficulty. If you@Heathercost and your DH have paid the full cost, you or your DH tell his parents to find their own accommodation elsewhere with this niece, and NOT on the cottage grounds. If they are offended, all the better - otherwise they will continue to pull things like this.

I couldn’t be this offended about it to be honest. Slightly annoying yes, but there are 3 other adults present to take on caring responsibilities for only 1 extra child.
having one more present may actually improve dynamics if as you say, you are fond of the child… and even if not I don’t understand how her presence stops you from enjoying time with your family?
it sounds like a non issue that has become one because there are deeper issues to tackle within the family.
And of course you have free will, if you truly feel like it’s such an issue then don’t go.
on a side note though, the camping trip you described sounds hellish & really unfair to everyone that had to pick up the slack!

Your husband would rather fuck you and your kids over than tell his mom and sister no, other kid is not welcome and now you aren't either.

Your husband would rather you be left home while not well and your kids have a shit time because his mom brought the other kid.

Your husband is afraid of his mother and sister, so much so he would rather your whole vacation be fucked than tell them no.

Your husband sounds very passive and I'd lose a lot of respect for him over this.

Just uninvite parents in law and niece and go just your family.
Holiday time together is too precious.

I would say it's cheeky they've invited another child without asking you, unless there's a very good reason, like a tragedy in the family/

I would be texting my MIL…
”Hi Patricia, we have gone back and forth on this and I’m just not happy about the dynamic of the holiday having been changed with the extra child/camper van..etc. I know you explicitly wanted to have a holiday with our kids, so DH and I have decided that yourself and Brian must go ahead with our three and Lexi. You will all be able to stay in the holiday home and I know the kids will have a ball with you both. DH and I are already planning some day trips while you guys are away… Let’s make arrangements now for pick up/drop off on Monday morning…

What plans have been made regarding paying for meals and food etc while you’re all there? If in-laws and niece end up coming along will in-laws contribute or will they expect you and your husband to pay for the three of them in addition to you paying for the accommodation?

Your husband is being pathetic, leaving it to his ill wife to sort out the cheeky fuckery of his mother and sister.

I would use the insurance issue. If the camper van is at the premises it’s likely to breach it in any case,

pILs have been incredibly rude and wrong to include an extra person, especially on your dime without your prior approval. DH really should be dealing with this rather than you.

if they can’t uninvite the extra person perhaps the three of them can go on holiday elsewhere and you can have a lovely time with your family,

This is what I would do. I would be blunt and tell MIL that she and her partner and her other grandchild are no longer welcome to come on holiday with you. And that you will NEVER fall for her bullshit again.

I would write them out of my life, they add nothing but stress to it. Yes, it's DH's mum. So what? Being a blood relative does not give her the right to fuck you and your children over, time after time after time. So that hurts your DH's feelings? Tough. It's long past time that he chose to be a husband and father, and not just a son. And as a father he should be protecting his children from his fucking awful birth family. I'd be disowning the lot of them and never having any contact with them again.

And before anyone bleat about the OP's children have the right to know their grandparents - the right to be protected from knowing they will always come last in these grandparents eyes outranks it. Some family relationships are just plain damaging to children.

I might nit have been so blunt as this reply, but it is absolutely correct.

If you paid for the holiday just tell them either the niece doesn't come or they all don't come and that you don't mind which. You can't break the Ts and Cs for the house which is the reason. Done.

Total pain the backside though and I can see why it's a conversation you aren't looking forward to!