AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

You are acting as if you have no say in this. Nor your husband.

YANBU to be upset and disappointed that your PIL have behaved this way, particularly when you are paying for the holiday. You are being unreasonable in not taking action. Why are you asking the trouble makers if you can call the other girl's parents? Just call them and say there has been a mistake and their child isn't invited. If it's too late to cancel, I would actually uninvite the MIL and her partner as well. But then, I'm at the 'fuck it' stage of life. You don't need to be taking everyone else into consideration when no one is considering you. You're also not well enough to be caring for someone else's child, particularly when they have violent behavioural issues, and it's ok to say that out loud.

I have read all your posts OP and apologies if I've missed this, but will MIL/SIL be contributing any money for DN to join the holiday or are they assuming you'll cover it (you mentioned you paid)? Not just towards accommodation but there other costs. Food, drinks, activities, etc.

I can totally understand your frustration and in your shoes, with all the context you've given, I think you would be well within your rights to say no to DN joining this holiday. If PIL want to take DN away that's up to them, but to invite her on your holiday (that you organised and paid for) is completely out of order.

That's probably why you weren't told until today that she was going - because now they think you'll feel it's too late and that you'd be upsetting this child by saying she can't come. But it's actually your MIL and her partner who have let this child down because they are the ones who invited her when you had already told them you couldn't cope with additional guests.

I get that it's stressful to tell a child no, but by allowing yourself to be steamrolled because you won't stand by your boundaries, you are actually encouraging your MIL to cross your boundaries.

If at all financially feasible I'd book something else for just you and your children.

If your in-laws are upset, so what? They obviously don't care about upsetting you.

Edited because I've just seen that you paid? Is that for the full thing? If so, tell them she's not coming and they can book something else if they're unhappy.

OP, just do it for yourself and your children: you must absolutely tell PILs that the niece is not coming; do not say you won’t, or make any other suggestions to resolve it like talking to the child’s mother - is not on you. It’s particularly outrageous that they’ve had hoisted this on you at the last minute. You’ll regret it every second of the next week if you don’t act now.

It’s your holiday. Stop being a jellyfish & stand up for what is best for you & your family.
The PILs & SIL are CFs who will push you beyond your limits, why are you & your DH so passive with them. They are totally unconcerned about upsetting you, why are you so afraid of upsetting them???
Just tell them the whole thing is cancelled & go on your own. If needs be contact the holiday home owner to confirm that extra guests are not permitted, nor is it a site suitable for camper vans (although this information is probably already in the t&c of the booking confirmation).

Then the granny should have been honest up front instead of making the OP think she wanted to spend more time with OPers children.

That way it would have saved the OP being in the situation she is now.

Very underhand way of going about it.

I'm even more confused now. This child goes on family trips with her own family but has been invited along on your family trip and is being taken out of school for it and no consideration has been given towards you.

Does the child get on well or is close in age with your kids? Is she having some kind of issue with her own family that they want her on holidays without them for a week, like surely the rest of her siblings will be wondering why they don't get to skip school and go on an extra holiday with Granny. Sounds spoilt.

As PP have mentioned I would say..that doesn't work for us and the holiday let has said no extra people or campervan. Your MIL is very self centred and inconsiderate of both you and her son.

They sound absolutely ridiculous. We have a holiday cottage full to capacity. I know let's jemmy in another body so someone has to sleep outside! Muppets.

I’ve been told not to say anything as it would make things worse.

Confused...sounds like somethings going on you haven't been told about.

Why will it make things worse?

Honeslty I would talk to your DH and if he agrees I would drop out of the holiday. Send the kids of with DH and the grandparents and just do it on the basis that you are giving DN your spot on the trip. You get a nice peaceful week to yourself! But maybe Im way selfish

Have you actually read this thread?

I'd be furious too, but the fact that you and your husband are doing precisely nothing to solve the issue means that I struggle to have any sympathy for you.

Your PILs have done this because they know you are a pushover and will ALWAYS walk all over you because there are never any consequences for them.

If I were you & your DH, if you've paid in full for the holiday, I'd be rescinding their places, i.e. tell MIL, her partner that they and the cousin are no longer invited. IF they've paid you any money towards it, then reimburse them immediately, and tell them they are no longer joining you due to them not respecting your boundaries.

To be honest, I'd be so mad that I'd probably end up starting a family feud over it, so as long as your DH doesn't mind being written out of any potential Will, then I'd just let rip on them.

Just remember, they will always trample your boundaries because you never enforce them. Their behaviour will never change unless you do start to enforce your boundaries.

You don't seem to believe that you can just say "no, child can't come". You can.

But if you don't, have lots of days where you go one place with DH and kids and PIL get left with the child; no reason you should do extra childcare. If they query it, tell them why.

Why won’t DH speak to his sister/brother? I’m so sorry your holiday has been railroaded. Can you get your money back and go somewhere else?

As a holiday let owner, a van and extra guest would invalidate my insurance so I would be asking the booking portal to cancel the booking as the owner will be in a similar position. You can go down this route now as they will be within their rights to cancel and turf you all out when you’re there once they get wind of the van and extra guest.

THAT is as manipulative AF. They waited until you were locked in financially before telling you the other child was coming. They sold you on " just us" then switched to their origal intention.

I'd be cancelling, taking the financial hit and never organising another holiday with them again. I'd be wondering what they were planning without telling me next.

Just speak to the Mum. You don’t need permission from anyone to do so. Say you just can’t cope and that the child is not invited. Find your backbone OP, or you’ll always be walked over like this. If it causes “ ore trouble” then so be it.

Oh hell! Just tell them no. Uninvite them. You and your DCs and DH don't deserve this planned imposition; you deserve a peaceful, fun holiday.

Tell IL's they're not invited. Do it forbyour children's sake - they get one holiday this summer, why let your ILs spoil it for them.

Typos

I’ve felt like that when in laws have decided to holiday alongside us. It’s really difficult without causing ructions in the extended family. I would back out of it on health grounds if you can get a refund. I might even back out of it anyway as stress on holiday is worse than stress at home.

Im baffled by your responses OP

Firstly its neither here nor there whether you have health needs, you dont need to keep 'blaming' your health if you were to say no to the child coming, what do you say to this?

Secondly you havent answered questions about why you cannot just say no, this isnt happening? Why cant you say this?

Thirdly you havent answered questions about who booked the cottage, who paid for all of it, whose name is the booking in, who is paying for your in laws share and the child's share and the child's care and food during the holiday?

Mil manipulating things like this so you'll feel pressured to do what she wants isn't on. Of course she's happy to take an extra grandchild when it'll not be her up at 8am supervising and making breakfast for kids that aren't her own.

I'd be cancelling and doing something just your family. As someone said up thread FAFO.

If the booking is for 7 people they can't just add an extra one, it will void the insurance, even if they say he'll be sleeping in a van, he'll still be using the accommodation to eat, shower, relax, that would worry me but then I over worry, the owner might be there to welcome you all! Some do

It very much sounds like MIL has been manipulating you.
She felt the resistance coming from you, said the child wasn’t coming only to spring it on you at the last minute when she thought you would feel you could say NO.
And she was rigut. You dint feel like saying NO to the child and disappoint them.