To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

If your DD is complaining about her weight, id ask her what she would like to do about it. Depending on what she says ,id then try and support her in her choice.
As for when she asks you directly how she looks in a particular outfit ,id ask what she thinks before answering ,but i think if reasonable that you are kindly honest. When she asked how the unflattering outfit looked ,id would have said i have to be honest its not highlighting your best features,i prefer outfit b.

Our daughters have rejected the notion that only people with certain body types can wear certain clothes and I love it for them! I see young people wearing clothes i wouldn't have worn with my body shape all the time, I think they've realised how limiting concepts like "flattering" are and maybe they are able to love themselves exactly as they are, or at least not let a patriarchal narrative of "beauty " shape their lives. I think it's fucking brilliant.

because they realise that they don’t have to wear clothes that others deem ‘flattering’. They wear whatever they please and more power to them.

When my youngest had put on weight, she asked me if she had gained weight because her tummy was sticking out of her clothes. I told her, yes she had. She asked me if she was fat and I explained that she looked a little plump but if she stopped all the sweets, chocolate and cakes then she will slim back to normal really quickly. She was a bit quiet and sad about it but cracked on with it. After a month of cutting out junk food she looked slim again. I congratulated her and told her that she could have kept gaining weight or lost it like she did and that she should be very proud of herself. She now keeps an eye on her weight and only has an unhealthy treat on Sundays or someone’s birthday. So of course you should tell someone the truth, when asking about their appearance. It’s down to them what they do about it.

Personally, I'd try to separate the outfit from her body. Instead of saying she looks fat or that she's put on weight, I'd say like, "I don't think that outfit is doing you justice. I think the other one suits you much better." That keeps the focus on the clothes rather than her size.
From what you've written, it also sounds as though her weight may be linked to the fact she's unhappy.
You're clearly trying to support her by cooking healthy meals and encouraging her to get help, which is probably more valuable in the long run than commenting on her appearance. If she wants to make changes, she'll likely need compassion and encouragement rather than reassurance that isn't true or blunt honesty that leaves her feeling worse.

But when someone (particularly your child) asks how they look or if an outfit is nice, they are not always looking for honesty, they just need to hear that they look great, and that you love them and think they are beautiful, whether you actually think so or not. I think this is where things are going wrong- you are muddling the two

Thats just giving confusing messages. Why lie and say they look great when everyone can see they look a right tutle.

Ds used to go out in some right horror outfits and ask me what I thought. I just used to say something like ' well, im not loving it' or ' I've seen you in better".
Im not being harsh or a liar.

I have ADHD and I comfort eat and sadly I left my weight spiral out of control over the years. Please remember that we ADHD folks don't take negative comments well... It's the wiring 🙈 do talk to her about the fact that ADHD does make it more difficult to stay away from specific foods but that it is (fairly) easy to fix by making sure she has enough protein (30g per meal) and fiber (30g per day) as that will help keep the blood sugar steady. Don't expect her to give up the snacks but rather help her find better alternatives (say rice cakes with peanut butter and an apple cut in cubes with cinnamon if she's a crunch addict like me). Better still help her find a hobby that uses her hands or at least her head ☺️
But please do have an honest discussion about her weight. Not judge, but to help make a plan on how to adress it with a reasonable timescale so she can feel it's doable (you will get a better it in)... Chances are she's overwhelmed and feels really crap for letting herself get there. I wold like to recommend a read: "ADHD body and mind". The doctor's kitchen podcast covered it a few weeks ago and it might help you both understand each other? You are a great mum for trying to help your daughter 🥰 she's lucky to have you!

Food is an addiction. You’re her mum she needs love and support without judgment. You may have a part to play in why she comfort eats. I would tell her she is beautiful when she asks and focus on her health. Encourage a trip to GP/ any activities you can do together. I’m sure you like to keep fit too. Did you teach her how to shop for and cook healthy meals? If not maybe set a day aside to do this together?

Why not sit her down and have an honest conversation. Say you love her and want her to make the best of herself and you find it had to be dishonest when she asks you if she looks fat.
At the end of the day she will be 100% fully aware she has gained weight. Ask her why she thinks that is, what can you do to help etc. Try suggest going for a walk together or going to a class.
Ultimately if she isnt ready to lose weight yet then she wont do it. My mum dragged me to every slimming club in the area, made me get weighed every day, made nasty comments to try and shame me infront of friends. None of it worked as I wasn't ready. Intact I became a secret eater instead. Just try help and support her which you seem to be doing

I've read all your posts, OP, but not all the replies as I find a lot of them very depressing tbh.

I completely empathise with your DD, I am a comfort eater and have poor impulse control, and I understand how hard it is to be stuck in the cycle of feeling awful about yourself (because of the weight and the lack of control over unhealthy food) and unable to break it. I'm 40 and I struggle - it must be so much harder aged 19.

My advice is to focus exclusively on her mental health and not on her weight and the physical health impacts (which will frankly make her feel worse). Of course the long term goal is for her to be physically healthier too, which means losing weight, but I think the crucial thing is for her to be in the right headspace or it's not going to work. If I was her mum, when she asks if she looks fat and how outfits look, I would be honest about the fact that she has gained weight and the clothes don't fit so well any more, but I would also tell her that she is beautiful at any size (whether you believe this or not, it is so important - point out good features she has) and that you're sorry she doesn't feel as confident in her outfit but you can help her find outfits she feels more confident and comfortable in, if she likes. It might seem counter intuitive but she needs to feel better about how she looks right now if she has any chance of breaking the cycle.

i think the most important thing is getting her ADHD meds right and supporting her to continue with counselling. If and when she feels ready, she might start to think about steps she can take to address the emotional eating and the binge eating. But it obviously has to come from her, not you.

Oh and by all means encourage her to exercise but the reasoning should be that it supports her mental and physical health. Not to lose weight (it will make very little difference compared to what she eats).

Oh and FWIW I've been doing slimming world for over a year now and they have some interesting content on the psychology of healthy eating. Not sure if you can access the blog or the podcasts if you're not a member. Anyway if she asks you about healthy eating options (a big if!) it could be one to suggest she considers. Don't just tell her she needs to go, of course.

You could always ask her how she thinks something looks and suggest that everyone can use style updates now and again, but I’m kind of with you. Not telling her is not doing her any favors. And she may not like hearing it, but you’re being far kinder than others will.

She said nothing fits? So maybe offer to take her shopping for new clothes? If she feels nice the way she’s dressed she may feel more confident and less frustrated and more spurred on to take better care of herself food wise

ADHD meds do not always help with binge eating. They initially suppressed appetite in DD but it was only for a week or so. She is on methylphenidate.
OP, I have DD of the same age, she is AuDHD and is now obese. We have the same issues with choice of clothing. If she were confident in herself and said f**CK off my body I will wear what I love, I would be ok. She knows she is overweight and the clothes do not suit her and she will ask me for my opinion and it's really hard. I also come from a different culture so it's even harder for me to say " you look greatx even though I can see her all her bits.
I have had several shopping episodes that have ended in disaster. Even if i offer to take her shopping to buy clothes that properly fit, she would insist she is a small or buy something extremely tight and several sizes smaller. It's almost like she is deluded and has no understanding of sizing and what fits (forget alone what looks good). We have had years of therapy, CBT, DBT name it we have done it. I have now realised things will only change when she really wants to and as a previous poster said when she hyper focuses on health and healthy eating.
Till then I have decided to save my sanity. I cook from scratch, feed my kids normal amount of treats and shut my mouth and look away when she orders food at restaurants. We were recently on holiday and watching her eat the breakfast buffet was quite sad for me and her dad. But we decided to not say anything and ruin everyone's holiday.
Maybe she will get there one day maybe she won't. I have no answers only solidarity to you.
Xx

Have only read OP’s comments rather than the whole thread.

Based on the fact that your DD has gained weight rapidly, and you mention a lot of snacking on sweets and other highly processed foods, she is probably dealing with more than emotional eating, though that as well.

She may have binge eating disorder (which is a condition with a defined set of diagnostic criteria), or an addiction to certain types of processed food (which is not generally accepted by the medical establishment, but there is a significant number of professionals who do believe in it, treat it, and are working to have it formally recognised). ADHD makes her more likely to have either or both of these conditions.

If either of those is the case, then a focus on weight, while completely understandable, is not helpful. Either from you, or her. The focus needs to be on understanding and dealing directly with the dysfunctional eating patterns and what lies beneath them. If she is able to do that then the weight gain will stop, and she will probably lose a fair bit of what she’s gained.

I don’t know how you go about it, OP, but I can share some of my own experience. I was a fat child, obese teenager, became morbidly obese in my mid twenties, peaking at over 22 stone in my mid-forties. This relentless rise was punctuated by frequent diets, none of which got me all the way to goal, but all of which were followed by a period of rapid gain.

For the first 30 years I just thought I had a weight problem, but in my early 30’s realised I had an eating problem. I met the criteria for Binge Eating Disorder, but never found an effective treatment.

My solution now is Overeaters Anonymous, which I’ve been part of for coming up to 11 months. The few months prior to joining, I was in the familiar rapid gain phase following a major weight loss. Joining OA has put a stop to that, and allowed me to very, very gradually lose most of that regain. Although I remain overweight, the yo-yo has stopped. I have been wearing the same (smaller) size of clothes for 18 months now, which has never happened in the previous 60 years. I eat sanely and normally and have opted to completely eliminate sugar and processed snack foods because of the way they trigger my compulsive eating.

So my suggestion to you, OP, is that you google phrases like binge eating disorder, compulsive eating and food addiction. Have a read, and see where that takes you. If I’m right then there is every chance your DD is eating far more than what you see and hiding it because she is ashamed. She thinks what she’s doing is disgusting, and assumes you will too. Listen to the stories of people who suffer from these conditions, and who are recovering from them. You may initially be shocked by some of the things people do….. but it will help desensitise you so that you are not shocked if and when she starts to tell you what she has been doing. She needs hope, acceptance and love.

Recovery is possible.

All she needs from you is to tell her she’s beautiful. Regardless of your views on her weight, the only successful weight loss will come from a place of self love. If you shame her into hating her body and trying to lose weight for this reason, it’s not going to last longterm anyway, regardless of the fact you’d be negatively affecting her self worth in the process! Please for all things good, teach her how to love herself and don’t give her any reason to think she doesn’t look beautiful. Encourage her to follow body positive influencers, support her to buy some styles or clothes that suit her (this will come from following people that look like her - not you telling her she looks awful in her current outfit!) and just keep supporting self love and healthy choices. Overall just be aware how damaging negative comments can be and focus all of your energy on building her up.

I'd say 'That looks a bit tight, you'd look nicer in something that's a better fit. You know you've put on some weight, darling, there's no point me telling you that you haven't! You are beautiful, but you need a bigger size at the moment.'

I put on 3 stone over a few years when I went on SSRI's. Don't get me wrong they were important for my mental health at the time but coming off them (when I felt ready to) opened my eyes to the weight gain and when my mental health was under control I stepped on the scales knowing I'd gained weight and saw pictures of myself and it was the motivation I needed to do something about it. I've lost all the weight I gained through diet and exercise and overhauled my lifestyle. My mum knew I'd put on weight but never mentioned it or made me feel any differently about myself, though I never directly asked her how I looked because I knew I looked big. I think when your daughter gets in control of her mental health she will be more likely to be able to address her weight if it's something she really wants. Sounds like she's currently using food as a form of comfort and the more down she feels the more she will eat. Right now your daughter can't even step on the scales so she's still in denial. I've been there, she's just not ready. Therefore for now if she mentions her weight I'd say if you're unhappy there are things you can do to address that and while I can support you I can't do it for you.

Many of the conditions for which people take medications for life (hypertension, type 2 diabetes, dyslipidemia) are ones in which diet and weight are a major contributor. If someone who is on medications for those goes on a GLP-1 they will usually be able to reduce or discontinue the original meds, AND they have much better quality of life to boot. But they are still on a medication.

Of course the GLP-1’s are an option for the OP’s daughter, but at such a young age, wouldn’t a non-medicated path be preferable?

I say that as someone who has been able to discontinue 2 medications for type 2 diabetes after nearly a quarter of a century because I was finally able to fix my eating habits.

I'd never lie to my kids about this or anything else really. But you have to be positive, a tone of "yes this might be the beginnings of a problem but let's tackle it head on and address it". Help her identify exactly what it is about her eating that is causing the excess weight - volume, content, snacking, drinks, sweet tooth, too much carb/not enough protein, etc. Being honest helps her be honest with herself, and she'll never tackle the issue and change her eating habits unless she can do that.
But keep the tone positive and supportive.

Agree. I'd take her shopping poor kid she's obviously quite unhappy right now.

Can you support her to get some bigger clothes that fit? You can often get the exact same items in vinted you have already but in a different size. Being in clothes that are too tight is uncomfortable and just makes you feel shitter about yourself.

This. For me it was a wider symptom of an unhappy home life at that age.

When I was 18 I had a gap year, went to Australia and put on about half a stone or a bit more - I looked chubby on my return though not obese.
My mum and dad were amazing - they said something like “oh darling, you’ve put on a little bit of weight haven’t you? Perhaps we ought to do something about that.”
Then my mum cooked healthy meals/salads, the whole family had boiled potatoes instead of chips and fruit/healthy desserts instead of fattening ones. I remember she got me a special smaller plate to eat off. She didn’t buy snacks or biscuits and everyone went without while I was trying to lose the weight.
They were so lovely about it - it was a combination of “this isn’t ok at all”
and “we will all do everything we can to support you to fix this.”

What I will say is that these days it is probably much harder because obesity is more normal - in the 90s no one wanted to be fat and there was no confusing counter-messaging or concept like “fat shaming”. I certainly would never have thought my parents were being anything other than supportive but young people today might think you are wrong to intervene like this.

Does she have any PDA associated with her ADHD? That’d change how you approach it.

Can you afford to take her out shopping and buy her a couple of items or even outfits that fit her well? My weight has yoyo’d through my adult life and I’ve only learned recently not to throw away the clothes which are too large or too small because I’ll probably want them again at some point! I put them in a bag in the loft and get them out if and when I gain or lose weight. I know this doesn’t answer your question but would help you to not have to be in the position of needing to answer it again because her new clothes would look good on her if they fit properly! Maybe charity shop if you can’t afford new?