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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

283 replies

lifeinthemidlands · 11/07/2026 13:35

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

OP posts:
TheCheekyCyanHelper · Yesterday 22:45

InOverMyHead84 · 11/07/2026 13:37

Frankly, tip toe-ing around it will not help her.

She is aware that she has put on weight, the crux is, does she want to change? If she doesn't, that's up to her. But, if she does, you can support and encourage.

No, it doesn't help, we know we're fat. We dint need our moms to tell us.

MsAmerica · Yesterday 22:59

lifeinthemidlands · 11/07/2026 13:35

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

I happen to be in the minority with this, but I completely support your efforts. One of my parents died of obesity, and it's painful for me to see other people blithely ignore it as their friends or loved ones gain weight, worried about hurting anyone's feelings.

Obesity would always be a serious health issue, but at her age, it will have a negative impact with other parts of her life as well. Let's face the truth: If an employer has two equally qualified candidates, he's less likely to hire the fat one.

If she's living a home, you can not only make healthful meals, but limit the quantity and limit the amount of junk food in the house. Your suggestion of counselling also seems smart. And if she's living at home with you, doesn't that mean you have some clout?

Of course, you're right not to badger her, but I agree you shouldn't lie. Why would you lie to encourage her on a path to ill health and unhappiness? And, you know, you're not required to search around for something to compliment. Nothing wrong with saying: I'm sorry you're upset, but I can't lie to you, especially not about something so important.

By the way, does she have a scale? If so, then it's no longer an issue of whether she "thinks" she hasn't put on much weight - she'll have the cold, hard numbers.

As I said, I know I tend to be in the minority with this, so I hope that other posters don't waste my time heaping invective on me - I've heard it all before.

Good luck, OP.

lifeinthemidlands · Yesterday 23:02

She knows how to cook, and I cook her healthy meals. She eats them and then eats a load of sweet crap after it.i have bought her vouchers for th same gym as me ( with her agreement) but so far she won’t come. She also won’t come for a walk with me in the evening.

i took her out to buy some new clothes today - she was reluctant to buy things in her size and think it made her more miserable.

it is clearly linked to both her adhd and mental state. I’m going to take a step back and just try to support her, but it’s difficult when she raises it with me. She’s not ready to do anything now though.
thanks for your ideas everyone.

OP posts:
Elemenopea · Yesterday 23:21

I just wanted to add a comment as I see weight loss medication has cropped up quite a bit.

medication is only a part of it. If your daughter has no interest in learning how to properly nourish and look after herself while taking it she’ll be back at square one when she stops. Take that from someone who spent a lot of money on a glp1 and just didn’t eat. I got so addicted to chasing the losses I didn’t look after myself, kept increasing doses etc. it gave me a terrible relationship with food and myself.

If you do resort to glp1 please consider something like team rh alongside it which has a low cost and a glp1 plan to help learn about nutrition etc during the process or I found a lot of help and success with Munro method, working with a nutritionist, checking in every two weeks, learning about what’s good for my body etc was amazing (and cheaper than medication!)

DianaBlackCat · Yesterday 23:23

I’m really disappointed but not surprised by the majority of comments here given the general fatphobia on Mumsnet. I have been fat on and off pretty much my entire life, and I can tell you now, the worst thing that ever happened was parents/family calling me fat as a child or making comments about my weight. It didn’t magically make me thin, or change my eating habits - but it shattered my self confidence and I’ll never fully heal from it. I know why I’m fat - I eat too much and don’t get enough exercise, combined with mental health issues and low self esteem. I also had genetic tests which found I’m predisposed to weigh 20% more than average- go figure!
It sounds like she needs support for her broader emotional issues and she needs you as her mother to be kind, supportive and a safe person. She knows she’s put on weight, she doesn’t need you reminding her about it. You’ll probably find that being there for her and actually trying to understand why she’s struggling mentally will naturally help her getting out of emotional eating. Any desire to lose weight needs to come from her, not you or anyone else - she is 19 so legally an adult and her appearance is nobody’s business but her own. It’s also quite normal for young women to gain weight as they go into adulthood as their metabolism slows. Weight is a very complex and such a sensitive issue - if you love her please don’t make her feel worse than she already does by exacerbating her insecurities

ResultsMayVary · Yesterday 23:52

lifeinthemidlands · 11/07/2026 15:43

She’s about to start a new medication (has been largely unmedicated for the last year due to side effects) so this is an additional concern - it’s a non- stimulant.

Some ADHD medications reduce appetite and usually cause weight loss. A friend on Vyvanse said she had to remember to eat and the cravings largely went away.

Perhaps the right medication could be part of the answer. It sounds like she's currently medicating herself with food.

Frog1004 · Yesterday 23:57

hattie43 · 11/07/2026 13:44

ive noticed a lot of fat young people don’t care what they look like or wear . I don’t know why she can’t see that an outfit is unflattering.

People deserve to have body confidence and wear the clothes they want to!

lifeinthemidlands · Yesterday 23:58

DianaBlackCat · Yesterday 23:23

I’m really disappointed but not surprised by the majority of comments here given the general fatphobia on Mumsnet. I have been fat on and off pretty much my entire life, and I can tell you now, the worst thing that ever happened was parents/family calling me fat as a child or making comments about my weight. It didn’t magically make me thin, or change my eating habits - but it shattered my self confidence and I’ll never fully heal from it. I know why I’m fat - I eat too much and don’t get enough exercise, combined with mental health issues and low self esteem. I also had genetic tests which found I’m predisposed to weigh 20% more than average- go figure!
It sounds like she needs support for her broader emotional issues and she needs you as her mother to be kind, supportive and a safe person. She knows she’s put on weight, she doesn’t need you reminding her about it. You’ll probably find that being there for her and actually trying to understand why she’s struggling mentally will naturally help her getting out of emotional eating. Any desire to lose weight needs to come from her, not you or anyone else - she is 19 so legally an adult and her appearance is nobody’s business but her own. It’s also quite normal for young women to gain weight as they go into adulthood as their metabolism slows. Weight is a very complex and such a sensitive issue - if you love her please don’t make her feel worse than she already does by exacerbating her insecurities

I’m not calling her fat - she is. And talking to me about it frequently. I don’t raise it unless she does. My original question was how do I respond - the answers on this thread have no real consensus but generally people are saying not to lie, while making it clear I still love her. There have been some helpful suggestions for wordings by some posters - thank you!

OP posts:
RosesLikeButter · Today 02:01

I think the way society frames having body fat as being some kind of personality flaw, or something disgusting is the issue, and the striving for thinness is an issue. Weight loss jabs which just trash your appetite are an issue.

Fat is part of body composition, and a having a certain percentage range of body fat is healthy. Too much fat is not healthful, too little fat is not healthful. I see fitness influencers who are clearly underweight, and muscle mass cannot be maintained in a chronic calorie deficit, especially when fat reserves are gone. Muscle mass is one of the best contributors to longevity and health.

I suggest your daughter starts lifting at the gym, to grow muscle. This is taking lifts to failure, for minimal sets (2-3) and rep ranges around 6-10 (heaviest she can manage) and 12-15 (a bit less weight than the first), look up “progressive overload”. If she falls in love with lifting and strength training the rest will fall into place. A high protein diet no less than 100-120g a day, keeps you satiated and changes the palate. If she eats a lot of sweet treats this will be the hardest part to beat, sugar is addictive, I know it, but the craving does go away and she will be able to take it or leave it once it passes. Fat loss is entirely dependent on a calorie deficit, for sustainability I’d say 1600-1800kcal a day (with lifting at the gym minimum 3x a week), she will see fat loss, just do it every single day. Crash diets just lead to binging. Lifting heavy also builds and maintains bone density, which is particularly important after 30 years old, they will always be good habits to keep. Building muscle forever changes muscle at a cellular level (increase in nuclei) which is where muscle memory comes from - she will always regain muscle faster in the future if she has to take a break from lifting. Muscle mass is what builds metabolism, and yo-yo diets and chronic under eating and without strength training (and aging) is what contributes to the struggle to shift excess fat later in life, so eating well to fuel her body and muscle growth, particularly as an optimal body fat range is reached, is really important.

The human body is designed to run on carbs and our brains love sugar, we’re designed for feast or famine and we live in a world with surplus food, her body is doing exactly what it’s designed to do by storing fat, but she’s not in a wild environment anymore, so she needs to manage it. A food scale and accurate tracking like MyFitnessPal is helpful and not disordered as some people like to say, there’s so many foods that are surprisingly dense that it’s easy to eat several portions without realising it, like butter etc. it’s also important to track her protein as it’s also easy to underestimate chicken portions for example and she may need to eat more of some foods. Carbs are not the enemy in this story either, they’re great for our brain and pump up muscle to look fuller as they draw water into the tissue, but being mindful of calories as some carbs are just not as nutritionally beneficial as others.

Switching up the perspective that the gym is somewhere to experiment, to train, to develop and grow is a much healthier outlook in a world that seems to tell us we need to shrink.

Consistency is the cornerstone of all this, results are seen months to years down the line, and showing up week after week no matter if she’s feeling it or not is what makes it happen.

I hope this helps, as it’s something I wish I knew earlier in life.

To add.. rest is really important, muscle growth depends on the stimulus (lifting), nutrition, and rest - spread working out muscle groups throughout the week, and lifting no more than 4-5 days a week, as the body needs to recover. None of this needs to be over done, train hard, eat well, rest. I wish her all the best.

Mackerelfillets · Today 02:16

lifeinthemidlands · Yesterday 23:02

She knows how to cook, and I cook her healthy meals. She eats them and then eats a load of sweet crap after it.i have bought her vouchers for th same gym as me ( with her agreement) but so far she won’t come. She also won’t come for a walk with me in the evening.

i took her out to buy some new clothes today - she was reluctant to buy things in her size and think it made her more miserable.

it is clearly linked to both her adhd and mental state. I’m going to take a step back and just try to support her, but it’s difficult when she raises it with me. She’s not ready to do anything now though.
thanks for your ideas everyone.

In my other post I shoukd have added that my daughter also has a diagnosis of ADHD. It did effect her eating/ binging. The amount of wrappers in her disgusting bedroom was staggering. Filled countless bin liners when she was going to Uni. She needed help to clear it out. She just couldn't do it without a body double. If you know you know.

OwlBeThere · Today 02:20

Elemenopea · Yesterday 23:21

I just wanted to add a comment as I see weight loss medication has cropped up quite a bit.

medication is only a part of it. If your daughter has no interest in learning how to properly nourish and look after herself while taking it she’ll be back at square one when she stops. Take that from someone who spent a lot of money on a glp1 and just didn’t eat. I got so addicted to chasing the losses I didn’t look after myself, kept increasing doses etc. it gave me a terrible relationship with food and myself.

If you do resort to glp1 please consider something like team rh alongside it which has a low cost and a glp1 plan to help learn about nutrition etc during the process or I found a lot of help and success with Munro method, working with a nutritionist, checking in every two weeks, learning about what’s good for my body etc was amazing (and cheaper than medication!)

urgh. i don’t agree at all about team RH, if she is sensitive about her weight that man isn’t going to make her feel any better. He is a bully. When i asked him about being unable to walk as much as he recommends and he called me lazy and unmotivated. I literally can’t walk. He said to stop making excuses.
🤷‍♂️

BreezyLurker · Today 02:32

I’d recommend looking up a lady I’ve been following in Instagram called Dr Anna Colton - she has a book. Called “how to talk to children about food” & she is very knowledgeable & makes fantastic informational videos about this sort of thing.

Imisssleep88 · Today 03:02

If she is upset about clothes no longer fitting, be honest say she either needs to buy some new ones in a bigger size or lose weight. You could say you could do it together, eat healthy meals together and/or do exercise together to encourage her, even if you don't need to lose weight doing exercise together is more encouraging than on your own

Rosemariebear · Today 04:15

Hallywally · 11/07/2026 13:51

Why not offer to take her shopping to choose some nice new clothes or look up some plus size fashion influencers with her for ideas? Feeling shit about herself is only likely to make her comfort eat more and pile on even more weight. Have you suggesting a slimming club (online or in person) or weight loss jabs if she’s struggling to do it alone?

That’s what I would do, suggest a shopping trip where you can find more flattering clothes. Of course still try with the healthy diet too. Properly fitting clothes make such a difference.

BeWittyRobin · Today 04:25

Sadly only she can help herself. And sadly she kinda needs to hit rock bottom and truly want to lose weight before she will do it for herself. Dancing around the issue won’t be helping. My mum and Dad have always been very honest with me (but not in a cruel way) and I actually respect that. The way I see it is my parents are the only ones that will always be honest with me, now does my mum approach things much more diplomatically and kindly than my dad…absolutely 🤣. I’ve been both ends as in over weight (when I was 19 and going out drinking with friends that made my weight creep up, after having kids and I mean dragging out the whole ‘I’ve just had a baby’ it’s just baby weight, my child was turning 5 🤣) and also being severely underweight following leaving my cheating husband. And every time my mum and dad would speak to me honestly. Personally I would be sitting her down and being honest. “Look love, I need to be honest with you because I care and I love you. It’s affecting your health but also your mental health. You know you’ve put some weight on, and that itself isn’t a problem but it’s affecting you mentally I can see it. What can I do to help? Suggest a shopping trip for new clothes so she can start to feel better about herself as she will have clothes that fit, then she will find it easier to get of this merry go round that she’s currently on xx

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · Today 06:44

lifeinthemidlands · Yesterday 23:58

I’m not calling her fat - she is. And talking to me about it frequently. I don’t raise it unless she does. My original question was how do I respond - the answers on this thread have no real consensus but generally people are saying not to lie, while making it clear I still love her. There have been some helpful suggestions for wordings by some posters - thank you!

@lifeinthemidlands

http://getselfhelp.co.uk

I can recommend this website. It has some good resources on depression and low self esteem.

They may be worth a look at together, print a few pages off to give her, whatever you think would be more helpful.

If she can start breaking the late night sugar self destruct cycle, she’d feel much better. Such a hard one though!

Get.gg - Getselfhelp.co.uk

GETSELFHELP.co.uk The CBT therapy and self help resources website. Free resources to download. Self help guides, worksheets, videos and mp3s.

http://getselfhelp.co.uk/#google_vignette

KatyJ89 · Today 07:58

I think you've skimmed over her having ADHD quite quickly. For some ADHD women it can be really hard to lose weight as you are constantly chasing that dopamine high. Is she medicated for her ADHD?

That being said, this thread isn't nice to read. The only time my mother has ever said she's proud of me is when I lost weight after having children (I was very ill with PPD and then gallstones so it was not intentional). Maybe we could all focus a little less on our daughter's weight being the be all and end all?

What I say to my children is fat is just something we all have, some have more, some have less. It's not who you ARE. You can have extra fat and be a good person at the same time. Maybe focus on boosting her self esteem, work with her ADHD. Exercise for me is the best thing as it gives you such a huge dopamine boost.

monkeymamma · Today 08:47

Your response would have upset me.

A more appropriate response would have been: ‘You look gorgeous to me in anything, always. But is there any reason you’re asking me how this outfit looks?’ Then she can tell you if she has concerns. And if she’s actually asking for support with healthier eating or more exercise then great. If not, just make sure she feels loved.

ByPearlPlayer · Today 08:49

Have you thought about focusing on the important thing. Without agenda or preconceptions, if you are really worried about her. Tell her that if she wants to talk, you care and want to know how she is feeling, and if she wants your help ask her what she needs, and stick to that. Don't push your ideas on to her, let her guide the narrative. If she just wants to vent and needs you to listen, just offer that. Trust needs to be built.

researchers3 · Today 08:56

hattie43 · 11/07/2026 13:44

ive noticed a lot of fat young people don’t care what they look like or wear . I don’t know why she can’t see that an outfit is unflattering.

I mean, people are entitled to wear skimpy clothes even if they aren't slim! It is 30 degrees out there!

I wouldnt personally but I'm happy to see that the younger generation have the confidence to wear these types of clothes even if they aren't fit/skinny. Within reason, I dont want to see arse cheeks, regardless of someone's size.

justasking111 · Today 09:01

My grandchild has ADHD. Sweet foods were a magnet for them. Mum and dad eat healthily so have gone into the science of how the body works what food groups do what to you. It slowly sank in. With the help of more exercise the weight came off. There are still lapses when stressed but they get back track now.

It took a year but it worked.

AgnesMcDoo · Today 09:01

She sounds like she’s got raging food noise and the adhd will be making it worse.

no amount of cooking classes and gym membership or frank conversations will help

she needs to go on mounjaro - most likely long term. It will help with her adhd as well as weight.

otherwise she’s going to be obese her whole life

TheBrunswick · Today 09:07

DianaBlackCat · Yesterday 23:23

I’m really disappointed but not surprised by the majority of comments here given the general fatphobia on Mumsnet. I have been fat on and off pretty much my entire life, and I can tell you now, the worst thing that ever happened was parents/family calling me fat as a child or making comments about my weight. It didn’t magically make me thin, or change my eating habits - but it shattered my self confidence and I’ll never fully heal from it. I know why I’m fat - I eat too much and don’t get enough exercise, combined with mental health issues and low self esteem. I also had genetic tests which found I’m predisposed to weigh 20% more than average- go figure!
It sounds like she needs support for her broader emotional issues and she needs you as her mother to be kind, supportive and a safe person. She knows she’s put on weight, she doesn’t need you reminding her about it. You’ll probably find that being there for her and actually trying to understand why she’s struggling mentally will naturally help her getting out of emotional eating. Any desire to lose weight needs to come from her, not you or anyone else - she is 19 so legally an adult and her appearance is nobody’s business but her own. It’s also quite normal for young women to gain weight as they go into adulthood as their metabolism slows. Weight is a very complex and such a sensitive issue - if you love her please don’t make her feel worse than she already does by exacerbating her insecurities

If you had read op's thread properly instead of projecting your own insecurities you would see that op is trying to be sensitive and only discusses her dd's weight if her dd broaches the subject.
Perhaps you should look at counselling for yourself as you seem to be very bitter about your weight struggles.

FairKoala · Today 09:24

ChampagneLassie · 11/07/2026 14:21

I doubt it very few much older adults seem to understand good nutrition so I wouldn’t expect a 19 year old to. My mother in her 70s has dieted her whole life and still believes and says silly things like you shouldn’t eat avocados as they’re high in fat!

Friend who is in her 30s thinks avocados are to be avoided because of their fat content. Nutrition isn’t taught in school in any practical way
It’s just taken as something we know. Like how to compare credit cards/loans /mortgages etc

Maybe we need lessons in how to live in schools

Corvidsarethebest · Today 09:48

Over the years, I've realised that a) telling people things they already know deep down and b) telling them things that they can realise and learn all by themselves is pointless.

Your daughter learned something, not through the interaction, but when she tried on clothes and was upset and they didn't fit. The best thing to do is be very neutral and let her come to her own motivation and conclusion about what to do next.

No-one suddenly gets thinner for someone saying 'you are a bit pudgy, don't you think you should eat less', They get thinner when their own internal motivation for change builds, and the environment supports that change- so by not buying unhealthy food, having positive enjoyable experiences with healtheir food or activities, and so on.

I also think young people do best when their Mum is firmly in their corner, whatever happens- so if she needs bigger clothes right now, I'd help her buy new stuff IF she asks you to help her. If she does not, don't say 'do you think you need bigger clothes' Feeling like your Mum basically disapproves of your body is very difficult- none of us can help having uncharitable thoughts about their behaviour, but you can offer to help in positive ways without criticising her or pointing out her weight gain.

Finally, a lot of young people have decided not to wait til their bodies are perfect, but to go out wearing what they like and what's in fashion. I would encourage that side of her life very strongly- any social connections, getting out and about, joining back in with life, and it does not matter if she goes out looking how you think she looks awful as it's better to be out and about for her MH.

I wouldn't lie, I'd say, I have to be honest, that's not the outfit I think looks the best, I like X outfit, but I'm not a young person, and laugh. Then stock up on great food, go for some walks with her to chat, and let her find her own way with her weight. You can't police or shame people into being thin from outside, it has to come from within.

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