To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

“DD I can see that you haven’t been happy with your weight for a while now and as your mum I just want you to be the happiest and healthiest version of yourself so I would love to help in any way that I can.

Why don’t we start going out for walks every day, nothing unachievable, we can start small and work our way up. If you’d like we can start making our evening meal together and have fun with some new healthy recipes.”

Have you suggested alternative snacks im not talking fruit but there are lots of great options to swap out the sugary ones e.g. Arla do protein chocolate puddings and salted caramel yoghurts that can be a nice dessert but way healthier to have and they taste great. Tesco have an offer on 5 for £5 so for £1 each its a really great alternative, it gives her that sweet hit with less calories and is more filling. On a more expensive option myprotein do chocolate protein wafers only 200 calories but they have a bit of chocolate on them and they are great. She wouldn't be able to eat too many as again with 15g of protein its filling.

I eat these as its a great way to feel like im having a dessert or 'biscuits' without all the bad calories.

The reason she is eating more and more is because the hit she gets from sugar is no longer effective so she then needs to eat more and more to get the same hit. Have to treat it like an addition.

The ADHD is going to be a big part of the root cause. If she has severe executive functioning issues then it means her brain almost doesn’t have the software to make the changes she needs to make. From what you describe it sounds like she has no ability to put remedial action in place, no impulse control, no consistency etc if that’s her brain wiring it is virtually impossible to change.

theres a guy on insta called Jamalgetright or something like that. He is inspiring. His top tip for weight loss is putting all his salary into a savings account on day 1 of the month.

i really feel for your daughter. I hope the therapist is highly experienced in ADHD otherwise it will be a waste of time. I wish you well.

I am sure she knows without you pointing it out. If anything say you worry about a lack of exercise and suggest exercising together. Shaming her won't 'fix' her.

@DaisyChain505 i walk every day ( currently in the evening which is her main time for unhealthy eating) as have a dog, and am always trying to get her to come but rarely does. She will sometimes chat about healthy recipes and I cook things she likes but it doesn’t stop her buying stuff. @LifeIsTooShort247 I’ll look into those - thanks.

If you can afford it, could you buy some new clothes for her?

Perhaps sit down with her tomorrow, one on one, and say that you’ve had a good think about what she said yesterday about her clothes not fitting and can see that it’s affecting her mood and self-esteem, and that you’d like to help her by taking her shopping. You can be upfront about a budget if you need to be, and could plan a capsule wardrobe with her to cover her needs.

Once she feels more comfortable in her clothes, it will hopefully boost her self-esteem enough for her to feel mentally able to address the issues that have caused her weight gain in the first place.

I'm in a similar situation with my dds and really feel for you OP, it's so hard to know what to say.

Mine are both far too big for different reasons. One was recently diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis, tries really hard, counts calories, nothing works, gets fed up and gives up. The other is more like OP'S DD - binging on crap to get through a really stressful uni period.

I cook healthy meals for them when they're here, but becoming young adults with access to loads of crap food (and skinny friends able to live on junk food) made both of them furious that they weren't skinny! At times they've both given up trying out of frustration, put on lots of weight, then got upset about it.

Both my dds talk to me a lot about their weight and ask advice. I try to separate the weight from the person, validating their feelings but reinforcing the positives about anything they're wearing/
hair/makeup/colour etc.

If they show me a really unflattering outfit, I do say something careful if it really looks awful. Eg "hmm, doesn't look comfortable at all and that's detracting from the look, but I do like the shape/length/colour."

I do reinforce that it doesn't matter to me what size they wear, I just want them to feel confident. (Particularly as they have an incredibly judgemental father and get endlessly nagged about their weight when they see him - which is becoming more infrequent as they vote with their feet.)

I've taken them shopping/looked up very stylish larger girls on socials etc (in response to wails of "NObody can look nice at this size..."). I've emphasised how crap womens sizing is - therefore labels don't matter, but if it's affecting health we can think about making changes. Etc.

Dd1 is ND and finds firmer boundaries helpful when she's in the mood. We talk about looking after herself and sometimes put a few outfits together for certain events so she feels prepared. When she wants to talk about it, I focus on general health and always style over size. God knows if it's the right approach but both talk to me a lot so that's positive.

Sorry, I'll shut up now but solidarity from me, it's a fucking minefield!

What do you think is to be gained by telling/implying she doesn't look good in her chosed outfit?

If i am an asked a question I answer the question if people dont want honesty why ask in the first place?

No it is not the same as 4 year asking if their drawing is nice the peraon asking is an adult

It sounds like she's addicted to sugar. There's no easy answer but for health reasons alone she needs to make sure she doesn't gain weight over the summer. All you can do is encourage her to limit the size of chocolate bar and increase her exercise. You sound like a good mum, you are right not to tell her she looks great when she plainly doesn't.

Walking can be great for people with ADHD to help control and manage their impulses. I think she is a tricky age when LOTS of people gain weight, it’s not unusual at all.

If not for the dog walks, could getting her into walking and listening to podcasts/walking unusual routes/doing a step challenge for a good cause help?

I really think focusing the help around how she deserves to have a healthy body, she is a lovely person and should have a body that she can move and be comfortable and be strong is the minimum she deserves. It’s easy to lose focus when you’re working because it feels so exhausting, but her first job is to herself and to ensure her own wellness.

I really hope you can get her support.

At least your DD is bothered about being overweight @lifeinthemidlands, so many girls I see proudly have their stomachs hanging out over their clothes.

I was a fairly fat teenager - though looking back at photos I wasn't actually as bad as all that - and my DM pussyfooted around it. It would have been more helpful if she'd sat down with me and we'd planned my meals together.

No necessarily. I put on weight in my late 20s and didn't realise as I always wore lose fitting clothes.

This is really hard. My DD is 21 and has put on a lot of weight over the last year. In her teens she was a member of a swimming club, went 3 times a week, then started figure skating and went 3-4 times a week which was excellent exercise and she had a lovely figure. She then joined a gym when she was 16. But then she met her boyfriend when she was 20 and has packed everything in and has since gone up 2-3 dress sizes. I did try and advise her to keep going to the gym for fitness but it fell on deaf ears so I don’t bother saying anything. She will only do something about it when she wants to. I remember when I went up to a size 18 when I was in my late 20’s and I suddenly thought I’ve got to do something about this which I did. Went to the gym 5 days a week, only had 3 meals a day, no snacks and drank loads of water and within a few months was a size 10/12. Could you suggest that you and her start going for a walk a few times a week?

I wouldn't intervene at all, she's an adult and she knows she has put weight on.

I was a tiny bit overweight in my teens and I'm eternally grateful than my parents said nothing or were only positive about my appearance. I'd have been mortified if they told me I needed to lose weight and it would have been entirely counterproductive.

My DDs are slim but I would never say anything about weight in any circumstances unless they directly asked for advice.

First thing to do is help her buy some clothes that fit and feel comfortable.

Fat people are allowed to wear skimpy clothing. However skimpy clothing is a big sunburn risk so is only really justifiable outdoors if you're willing to put a lot of time into adding sunscreen to all of the exposed skin. That gives you an argument re outdoor clothes - like everybody else in this weather she should be wearing loose fitting clothes in natural fibres, ideally with long sleeves and legs covered to the ankles.

It's perfectly justifiable to dress for heat with a plan to remove the outer layers on arrival at an indoor venue. With clothes that look too small the question I would ask is around whether it feels comfortable. You can talk about dressing for yourself which can include avoiding uncomfortable clothes.

Are you serving big enough portions of standard meals? Is there enough fat / protein / carbohydrates in them? This is worth looking at - she needs to feel full after meals which may mean she'll be better with a bigger portion of meal food so she's less hungry for other snacks.

You could make sure there are nuts, cheeses, fruits available as snacks ie. protein heavy snacks as a contrast to high carb ones.

Worth her asking her GP to check if she has PCOS/PMOS.

She may want help navigating adult ADHD services - does she have / want medication for it?

She asked (because really she knew the answer) and you answered diplomatically and as tactfully as possible. What else were you supposed to do?

Don't be mean to her. If you are, then she will feel that you're not a safe person. She can always lose weight, but she will never forget that her mother made her feel bad for her size.

OP, I have ADHD. I'm a normal weight, but was a good stone overweight after having a baby (until I stopped breastfeeding and it suddenly fell off). I also lost a stone and a half when I first went on Elvanse. It really helped with the 'food noise'.

The thing that would be kindest is for you to understand appetite and impulsivity as experienced by people with ADHD. This is very likely to be part of her condition. She is very short of dopamine and this is what she has found that works reliably. ADHD is strongly associated with binge eating disorder, for example.

Does she have good insight into her condition? And do you know much about it yourself?

Don't tiptoe around it - it's a major health issue, and will also be making her very unhappy. But don't blame her for something which is genuinely difficult to manage.

Check out online resources on ADHD and compulsive eating, e.g. ADHD and Eating Disorders – Think ADHD

I feel for you and for her. As her mum you want to see her happy and thriving , but I would be honest with her, as gently as you can - try to push her in the right direction , keep offering healthy meals , suggest going for walks with her and getting moving. Walking works wonders and it’s no pressure. 19 is still so young and that at age you tend to loose weight fairly quickly. Keep showing her love & support. 😊

Could you join a gym and go together?

I don't think there is much you can actively do for her right now, only telling her you love her whatever her size or weight, and that you are ready to support her if and when she wants to do something about it. Offering to drive or accompany her to a session or to walk with her if she chooses walking as a way to loose weight, that kind of thing. I would also at least try to convince her to hand her stash of snacks to you and that you help her limiting what she actually eats while the whole stash remains hers? But that she "must" ask you for that extra bar of chocolate? Of course this can only work with mutual love and respect!

Agree. Ithink a lot of it is they are told they are beautiful whatever weight they are and to wear what they want. I think there's a lot of overweight young women who have un diagnosed pcos as well.

This. Spot on-who doesn’t know they’re overweight. She needs nothing but love from you.

If it is atomoxetine then that isn’t known for weight gain. In fact more the opposite.