To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

It's a hard one. My dp is the same he's put weight on and still wears the same size, the clothes just cling to all the wrong areas. I've said just buy next size up it will be more comfy but he doesn't want to. It's very hard to navigate without sounding mean. I've suggested working out and running together. There's not much you can really do it's on her to make the right choices. Just encourage her.

“Look I think you look gorgeous and amazing and I always will. Youre not any less attractive because youve put on weight. I just think you need a bigger size! If you want to lose it I can help you but it’s totally up to you.”

Shame and making her feel bad does nothing. She’s got to want to lose it herself.

But they probably are beautiful no matter what they weigh. Bigger women can be attractive. It’s a health thing and that’s what the focus should be.

Why is she “unhappy generally”? Can you help her with the underlying depression which is causing her to comfort-eat? Unless there has been a significant factor in her life (poor grades, inability to get a job, broken love affair) this is worrying. Perhaps gently suggest counselling for the depression which may help on both fronts.

This.

I’d probably approach this from an angle of wanting her to feel good whatever her weight/size.

‘DD I’ve noticed that some of your clothes are looking a bit small now. Do you fancy going shopping to buy some things that feel a bit more comfortable?’

This gives her an opportunity to reflect on her weight and decide whether she wants to do anything about it without feeling judged or criticised. A shopping trip, or even just knowing that you’ve noticed and are supportive, rather than critical, is a good opportunity to open up.

I would never say ‘that’s unflattering’ or ‘yes you do look larger on that outfit’ because frankly the idea that only people (let’s face it, women) with certain bodies can wear certain clothes is quite misogynistic and doesn’t actually help anyone get healthier.

Yes but she asked.. is OP supposed to lie or just refuse to answer? Comforting her and telling her she’s not overweight is going to enable her to continue to ignore her weight. You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer not to get chemo because they are actually fine.

I don't think it's misogynistic to point out (if asked) that clothes do not fit properly. At least part of the issue here is that the DD's clothes are now too small for her. Skimpy clothes in the right size, however large that size is, will look much better than skimpy clothes that are too small. No one, even if they're a healthy weight, looks good if they are bursting out of their clothes.

I agree with a pp's suggestion to offer a shopping trip for clothes that fit properly. DD will feel more comfortable and confident then.

As someone who is passionate about healthy eating (in fact it was my job to educate young people)and have a daughter who was overweight, I completely disagree I’m afraid. From experience it will completely crush the confidence of your daughter if you are direct and critical. Of course she will understand she has a problem and the clothes are tight, she can see it every time she looks in the mirror. She knows about healthy eating, the messages are everywhere. You have to wait in the background, reinforcing that you love and support her until she is ready to change. I’m sorry I don’t have an easy answer but if you are critical she will remember it for life, and it will hurt her tremendously. I speak from experience and yet I spoke because I cared, and saw it as my parental role.
Ten years on, mine has joined a gym and seems to be wanting to lose weight. Good luck.

All you need to do is to tell her you love her, and how amazing she is.

And when she reaches the point where her weight affects her health and is way more difficult to lose ? What then ?

I haven't read all the posts but I totally get where you're coming from. My daughter started gaining weight as soon as she became responsible for what she put in her mouth, essentially high school. It got worse when she got a Saturday job and was earning money. We went through periods of her trying to cut down but basically she wasnt ready. She went to Uni for 4 years and gradually got bigger and bigger. She was morbidly obese when she graduated. That was the turning point. That was when she was ready. I have helped her to lose nearly 6 stones. You can't do anything until she wants to change. My daughter was extremely touchy about her weight. Sometimes it was a no go subject, other times it was a tearful confession about how she really felt. We've used WLI. She's got a little bit more to go. Just support her, she knows she's big. Good luck!!

And also--the garbage that is deliberately added to food nowadays contributes greatly imo. Back a few decades ago, we didn't have this obesity problem.

I would say
"it doesn't matter what I think, my fashion sense is awful!. You wear what you feel good in. And why don't we go shopping at the weekend?"

Edited to say: my daughter also put on a lot of weight in her early twenties. I figure she has enough problems in her life without me harping on about her health/appearance.

Perhaps it’s my age but my Mum would never have tiptoed around issues of obesity, nor would she have said ‘I love you, you’re amazing’ whilst ignoring (no pun intended) the elephant in the room. Being significantly overweight is a health issue, which impacts one’s physical and mental health. Everyone who has battled weight issues and I’m in that camp, knows an absolute truth :’the longer one carries weight the harder it is to control’.
Do people know when they’re overweight or are they in denial? Well the scales don’t lie, and denial of an issue doesn’t cure it or make it go away.
Perhaps saying ‘darling do you monitor your weight because it’s a good place to start. Weight creeps on and it can be very hard on one’s self esteem. It’s a health issue. You’re young and of course you want to be your best and the healthiest possible. You’ll know yourself if you’ve put on weight, why don’t you and I put together a plan to get fitter and healthier?’
I don’t think it’s cruel or poor parenting to address issues honestly. One of my dearest friends has shed 6st on the jab. She exercises and monitors her weight weekly, she’s is a new woman and all this in her late 60s after 3 decades of being v fat, but her cri de coeur never changes “how did I let myself go, so badly, and for so many years?’
Being fat isn’t a lot of fun.

This is so true. They look awful and either can’t see it or don’t care

If she is saying none of her clothes fit her anymore just take her shopping or give her money to buy clothes which are more comfortable. Dont make everything into a negative

Exactly 👏

I think it's kinder to tell her the truth, that she's put on too much weight and needs a healthier lifestyle. Encourage her to see her GP to discuss what she can do about it, tell her to stop buying all the junk but find good alternatives. Encourage her to exercise, do it with her if necessary, make it fun. Ask her what she would enjoy doing, dance classes are just as good as going to the gym. Make her feel that she's got some hope. Trying to be "kind" isn't really kind. She obviously isn't happy to be overweight and growing out of all her clothes.

I totally sympathise. I have a very similar daughter. People just don't understand how hard it can be to help them

Sometimes, as the old saying goes, you have to be cruel to be kind.

I am going to be slated here, but why is telling someone that, yes, the truth is, they are fat, considered an insult? It is just the opposite of thin. If a person’s daughter came out in a bra top and mini skirt, ribs sticking out, skeletal legs, and so forth, it would be considered neglectful NOT to say they were too thin and that it was worrying, as being so underweight is bad for health. Plus, it is not attractive, and that is just a fact.

So many people have been commenting on how underweight Ariana Grande is, “look at her ribs sticking out, it’s so sad to see”…and it’s considered acceptable. What if she had put lots of weight on and comments were, “oh, look at her double chin, all those bulges, she’s let herself go, she needs to go on a diet” etc…you can imagine the backlash there would be about that!

Being obese is more of a problem these days because people tiptoe around being real about it with people. That doesn’t mean telling people they look like a hippo, either, just being honest and commenting that, if they want to look and feel their best, then losing weight when they are fat would be a good thing to do.

A previous poster asked why she might be unhappy.

Transition to adulthood and independence is tough for people with ADHD - there is so much you have to remember. She may be finding her job stressful because she has to focus at work. Rejection sensitivity is one aspect of ADHD so any constructive feedback she may be getting from managers, customers or peers may be more painful than for most people.

Indeed, it isn't great fun being 19 for most young people right now - jobs are very hard to get, career progression is hard, prices are high, rents are high, your dream life is thrown in your face all the time via social media while seeming unattainable, and it feels as if everything you do is wrong. It's an age where appearance and social life matter an awful lot.

I agree- ive noticed a lot of young obese people wearing clothes that are far too tight and skimpy and they look awful. They are so tight they look almost painful.

Are people supposed to lie and say it looks amazing when it actually looks really awful?

So many people have been commenting on how underweight Ariana Grande is, “look at her ribs sticking out, it’s so sad to see”…and it’s considered acceptable. What if she had put lots of weight on and comments were, “oh, look at her double chin, all those bulges, she’s let herself go, she needs to go on a diet” etc…you can imagine the backlash there would be about that!

Excellent point - why is this ok to say but not the other way around? both anorexia and compulsive eating are eating disorders

I haven't read all the answers. I was your daughter at 19, in the late 1980s. The fat friend. I was (am) by nature a cheerful, positive person but being overweight at 19 made me miserable and embarrassed, and I was seemingly unable to do anything about it. I tried everything, normal diets, Weight Watchers, Cambridge diet (paid for by my mum) but I could only ever last for about 3-4 weeks maximum, never lost more than a couple of pounds and the overwhelming urge to eat ice-cream, chocolate, cake, was always more powerful in that moment (not in the long-term, I desperately wanted to be slim) but in the moment the ability to delay gratification was just non-existent. I just wanted the sweet treat more. We now understand this as food noise. I thought it was gluttony and a lack of self-control. I felt such shame and humiliation.

My mum (and dad to an extent) didn't know how best to help me. I'd moan about it, cry sometimes, and my mum would even try bribing me as she knew how unhappy I was. "After you lose a stone I'll buy you some new clothes" or she'd offer to give me money towards a holiday etc. My dad once told me that I needed to lose weight before leaving uni as I wouldn't do very well in job interviews as people would make assumptions about me. Their words crushed me but I forgive them, they were doing their best.

When I was 21 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Is that a possibility for your daughter? Back then (before the internet) you were given a sheet of A4 and just told to get on with it. The doc basically just said come back if you ever want children, and you'll probably struggle with your weight on an ongoing basis. Try and eat less. See ya!

I'm mid-50s now. My weight has been the dominant 'feature' of my adult life. I've spent from my late teens to very recently yo-yo dieting, managing to gain and lose a few stone on repeat, but never being anything less than a size 16. Spent most of my life as a size 22-24. It has really affected my life. The shame and humiliation has never left me. I've always felt less than, in pretty much every aspect of my life. I've been super-fit (have run three marathons, multiple halfs and 10ks in my thirties before injury put paid to that) but I've never been slim. I'm a good person (I like to think), I've excelled academically and have a great job and great friends and in many respects a great life, but it was all tainted by being fat and feeling a failure. Why could I just not achieve this one thing that other people found so easy?

Boringly, as most of these stories go, yes, I am now on mounjaro. I've lost six stone and am now slim-ish. I lost it painfully, painfully slowly - about 2lbs per month prob due to being menopausal and having PCOS. I'm still on it. Have another stone to go, and then will remain on a low dose.

I think about how different my life could have been if I've had the opportunity to do this at 19. I know some people will baulk at this, but I'm speaking as someone who was like your daughter at 19 and remained that way for another 35 years. I think about how carefree I could have been in my 20s, enjoying nights out with my friends, rather than dreading every event and shrinking in the corner. I think about how I could have gone clothes shopping in normal shops and not had to buy everything I owned from Evans. I think about holidays, pretending I didn't like swimming or sunbathing, so I wouldn't have to wear a swimming costume. I think we know enough about obesity now to know that, while lifestyle changes are the ultimate answer, some people are just not able to maintain them. Otherwise yo-yo dieting would not be a thing, and we'd all be slim.

I have only been able to maintain those lifestyle changes due to this new, enormous cavern in my brain where the food noise used to be. For me it's been the equivalent of having 36 hours in every day instead of 24. A whole new world of time and space to make and embed those changes. I don't think because someone is only 19 they should be denied this opportunity, though I appreciate others will strongly disagree. But I'm just saying, I wouldn't rule it out. I would maybe research it, and consider the fact that she may also be able to make the same changes once she doesn't have the chocolate demon breathing down her neck. Then weigh it up against the quite strong possibility that she just stays on the same trajectory she's on now and nothing changes. And she spends the best years of her life feeling inferior and unhappy.

You should tell her.

I wouldn't approach it from the 'flattering' and 'appearance' angle. That can cause a really negative reaction along the lines 'so people think I look fat, so what, I don't care what anyone thinks' - women don't necessarily obsess over their appearance and others' opinion in the same way anymore.

In fact, the current fallout presents a great opportunity.

Go to apologise to her and say you are sorry if what you said hurt her feelings, however, you are concerned about her health and her sudden weight gain. Bring into it irreversible health issues for life (diabetes, obesity related complications) as well as the link between obesity and poor mental health. If your expertise in that field isn't that great, maybe ger her watching some videos. The Tim Spector show on ITV (Channel 4?) is pretty good in delivering the message. Lots of videos from various scientists on social also, such as Giles Yeo of Cambridge, Diary of CEO has also interviewed various academic experts etc.

Suggest to go to GP together as weight gain can be caused by hormones etc, so propose to get bloods done, measure blood sugar etc. (GP may not actually prescribe these, however, she may be better off hearing this from someone with medical expertise rather than 'just' her mum - and reinforce the message that you care about her health, not her looks).

I was fat and in bad health (chiefly bad mental health) some of my teens, 20s and 30s.

I am now a size 8 in excellent health and extremely happy and mentally in a great place, active, social, dare I say gorgeous? Living my best life. Highly functioning human.

I really wish someone would have had an intervention in a nice way (not 'you look a bit fat' way). I wasted many good years functioning at 60%.

My mum did have an intervention with me with acne, taking me to a proper doctor and getting meds, after she saw I was miserable and desperate. I really really wish she would have done the same about my weight.