To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

My daughter was wearing a UK size 20 at 19. She is 6ft tall and hated every minute of it, all her friends were tiny and size 10/12’s. She battled for years lost a bit then put it back on and more. She’s now 28 and 4st lighter hits the gym 4x a week even in the heatwave, she’d like to lose maybe 1.5st more. You can offer to cook, you can offer to train with her but until it clicks in her own head how much she dislikes her image then nothing will change. Compliment her on her make up and hair. My DD never asked if she looked fat she would ask if she looked ok and I’d say yes fine. I know exactly how you feel OP it’s a very fine line with daughters. I wish you the best of luck.

I also agree ADHD plays into this, the lack of dopamine, the impulsivity, but that's also why she'll have to find her own way through this maze- whether it be through lots of activities/sports, wanting a certain look or by accepting her size. It's not your decision to make at 19.

Something that would help both her mental health and her weight/health/fitness is a sport, like kickboxing or jiu jitsu. There is often a great team of girls in these gyms and a really positive, supportive atmosphere. It’s also a great confidence boost and teaches self defence too. If she’s up for trying something new, find a gym with good reviews from women. They often do trial classes. I can personally vouch for the benefits of martial arts on mind and body. Wishing her the best. X

Following this thread as I have an adult son with similar issues and don't know how to handle it. He's a binge eater and comfort eats. He is massively overweight and I'm so worried about his health. Plus I know he'd feel so much better about himself if he lost the weight. It's a vicious circle. He lives at home and I eat healthily but he snacks between and goes out with his friends. I know he won't go to the GP or counselling but he really does need help. And I don't know what to say.

Love sometimes means telling hard truths for the sake of her health. This has nothing to do with how she looks - it's the fact that being fat will cause her problems further down the line.
If she was looking skinny I would say the same.

I feel that this is so mean. Your daughter is a person; she is struggling mentally, her self-esteem is probably at rock bottom, and you are focusing on her weight. The weight isn't the issue. Your job as a mother is to be a safe space and love her unconditionally, at any size. I am appalled at those suggesting you interfere with her business by buying weight loss drugs or suggesting diets etc. – things that are going to make her feel awful. Spend time with her, praising her good qualities and getting her to focus on them. See if you can find what's making her so unhappy, and be there if she wants to make changes.

After a lifetime of being 8 stone at 5'2, at 41 I shot up to almost 11 stone after a baby, 3plus years of breastfeeding, collapsed lung and various health issues/stress and misery in my life in general, which I think combined with perimenopause led to hormone changes affecting my metabolism. My family did the right thing and focused on supporting me, rather than pointing out that I was now fat. I already knew that and felt terrible about it. The misery and inertia, plus shame at weight gain, made stopping eating (which was the only source of pleasure and comfort during very high stress) impossible. Once I felt better in myself and could see the weight I'd accumulated as a result of circumstances rather than an issue with my morality/essential self, I easily lost it with diet and exercise over a few months. All this emotion around weight and esteem will be even more profound with a teenager. Be kind, it is better that she is happy than thin.

Very wise post.

OP I have had similar challenges with my own daughter - happy to discuss over PM but can't be arsed with laying myself open to judgy prim posts about how girls should know they're fat and dress appropriately.

Mental and emotional wellbeing is helped by regular physical activity.
Obesity is helped by regular physical activity.
ADHD is helped by regular physical activity.

Nobody is suggesting she starts training for a marathon, but just walking to the shops or parking the car in the furthest space, using the stairs instead of the lift or escalator, going for a walk instead of sitting in front of a screen with a bag of insert high-fat, high-salt, UPF snack is beneficial to helping all of your DD's - and let's face it, many of society's - issues here. Gently pointing this out to her and perhaps supporting her to set and achieve a daily goal would work wonders.

Good luck OP.

At 19, you only need one remark to be brought low.

I'm a lot older than 19 but I would rather someone who cared for me told me that my outfit didn't suit me before I ventured out into the street.

You're living in a very soft and pretty land if you think that a fat young woman wearing clothes that are too small for her won't attract sneering, unkind remarks and looks.

I wouldn't want my daughter to be subjected to that, so I would tell her that she does not look good in that outfit and I hope someone would do the same for me if I was considering venturing out in something that made me a potential target for cruelty.

Who’s job is it to point out to her that if she continues being overweight then she’ll fade health issues further down the line then? Is that not what loving parents do? Are they supposed to brush it under the carpet and pretend she’s big boned?

mounjaro helps with A.d.h.d?, are you seriously recommending a person who has a weight problem and A.d.h.d start taking weight-loss meds to make it all better?!?.
Maybe starting this kid on proper A.d.h.d medication, with the help of a trained Dr to prescribe it and find the right brand and dosage will be getting to the core of the problem and then address the weight issue if it is right for that person.
I have A.d.h.d, and comorbid depression and anxiety disorder some people eat to feel a little bit better, by putting a band aid on the problem, e.g. putting her on mounjaro, may help her loose weight but is in no way a long term solution.
It sounds like she needs help, support and maybe a councilor or even a sympathetic mother who can help her with her issues, what she absolutely doesn't need is weight loss medication and shaming.

Not sure if it is relevant, but I have ADHD and gained a lot of weight when I was depressed (in fact weight gain/depression has been a life long cycle).

I opted to use first Wegovy 3.5 years ago and then Mounjaro when it was available to lose the weight (6.5 stone). It really helped as my ADHD meant that the ‘food noise’, stimulus (dopamine) seeking and compulsivity was curbed. Even though I have been at goal weight for over 18m, I continue to take a low dose and shall do permanently - and am also on lisdexamphetamine (Elvanse, 70mg/daily having titrated up over the last 4months) so it is not contra-indicated. My mood, relationship with food etc, has completely changed. I wish I had found both medications earlier as both have completely changed my life - my mood, my relationship with food, my body and emotional regulation.

I know other ADHD/AuDHD people who have had a similar response, including my DS, who is now 18 and has been taking mounjaro for 2 years (under the care of an endcrinologist) and has also lost over 6 stone. He was/is the youngest patient to take it with Eli Lilly monitoring his case. His confidence has soared and he is really looking forward to going to university in September now.

It might be worth mentioning our cases to her.

@lifeinthemidlands have you asked your DD what she wants to do about her clothes not fitting and her weight?

She is an adult now and whilst you can suggest things, cook healthy meals etc, she is free to make her own choices.

Having struggled with my weight all my life and only been released by the viscous and endless cycle of loss and gain through the use of WLI in my mid-50s, I would say that whilst it is really disheartening to see fatness and overweightness judged unkindly by other people, if we don't like ourselves then that is a recipe for misery.

Trouble is unless we are capable of kindly parenting our own selves as adults and making choices that are about what is best for us, then we are unlikely to succeed. If you do the work here, then your DD still isn't learning how best to self-care and how to make her own decisions about what is best for her own body and health.

I don't think there is any easy solution but if your DD is open to your help and support then be there for her, otherwise I think you have to let her crack on and be the author of her own story.

Hi OP, bless you, you're doing an amazing job supporting her.

I started a thread yesterday as i'm facing similar issues with my own DD (she's a bit younger at 16 but same issues with weight and clothes etc) so some really thoughtful and helpful replies on here.

Unless her daughter has serious learning difficulties, she will already know that being overweight is the less healthy option in the long term. Saying this makes the home a place where she feels judged instead of accepted. What is the point in telling her what she already knows? Its not going to help her mentally or with her weight.

Tell DD that she's just growing older and more gorgeous and womanly.
If ever she wants an opinion repeat that she looks gorgeous and that the colour suits her.

Take her photo with her phone and leave. She will see her vision, each time.

Stock the fridge with healthy salad and low fat protein, eggs. Don't buy chocolate bars or bake cakes for her to access. Make it easy for her to choose healthy.

Take DD shopping to plus sized shops if she likes being large. Suggest she could ask for work there as the clothes fit like a glove.

I know my daughter is a person and I am doing all I can to support her mentally. If you had bothered to read my posts I have made it clear how I am supporting her to address her underlying issues. She talks to me about her weight - I don't mention it. She says how miserable it is making her and how it is affecting her self esteem. It's not me focussing on her weight. My question wasn't "how can I make my daugher slim?" - it was how can I best respond to her when she asks whether she looks fat, or talks about her weight gain. I got some helpful replies of this. She knows I love and support her - she would say that herself. A lot of people on this thread seem to be projecting their own experiences.

Bizarrely I discussed this with my mum yesterday. Me saying how nice to see body confidence in this generation, her saying they could wear more flattering stuff (or: cover up) entirely missing my point.
OP - I say this as a formerly overweight teen who developed a 10year eating disorder. My mum (who I adore) believes in cruel to be kind. I knew I was overweight. But I just wanted to be told I looked nice, without conditions or caveats. Just wanted my mum to tell me I was beautiful and leave it there. It never happened. My dad also would criticise me for eating junk, warn me I would be fat etc, so I started binge eating in secret.
My confidence was on the floor, and all of the 'well-intended honesty' just cemented in my head that I was a cave-troll, so I kept comfort eating.
19 was such a hard age for me as well, because I had lost access to team sports at school. It's shocking how little provision there is for young women.
I didn't treat my body with respect until I learned to love it, and that came with time, experience and confidence. No amount of healthy meals at home could fix such a deep self-loathing. My parents tried their best but got it wrong, I now try to model to my nieces what I hope they need to hear. I won't always get it right either, but I think if we focus on autonomy of choices and building confidence, we'll get more right than wrong.

Edited for shocking spelling mistakes 🤦

What do you mean by overweight and possibly obese? Is she able to buy her clothes in high street shops?

"Flattering" invariably means clothes that make people look slimmer because the beauty standards so saying she should wear more flattering clothes will just read "clothes to hide your body shape because you're fat and gross and no one wants to see you".

If she's asking "do I look fat in this?" it's OK to say "it doesn't look like you're very comfortable in it.

If her clothes no longer fit because she's put on weight, it's also OK to confirm that she has gone up a clothes size so let's get some clothes that fit you better.

I've been a size 10, 12, 14, 16, 18. I've had clothes in sizes 8 and 20 because some shops are mad like that. I was a size 14 for some of my teens and early 20s and felt like an absolute whale and that I was disgusting. I've been an 18 in my 40s and looking great and healthy and fit on it (running regularly, weight training, eating a balanced diet, I'm just short and peri-menopause).

To you, does fat = ugly and thin = beautiful?

A lot of "I'm worried about your health" tied up with size and weight is often about "I'm worried that you look unacceptable in a society that values and celebrates skinniness". I've been healthier at a size 16 than a size 10. I've also been healthier at a size 10 than a size 14.

A big mindset shift came for me about 7 years ago when I stopped any engagement with the diet industry. It made me feel shit about myself. I focused instead on moving in ways that make me feel good, and eating well not less.

If you think your daughter looks awful in a certain outfit it's OK to say "hmm, I think I prefer that new green dress you had on the other day" or "maybe the t-shirt would work better with your dungarees?" or "you looked amazing in that top and shorts last week, maybe try that top with this skirt?".

You mention that she's "quite unhappy generally". Is she in work or education? I have a child the same age and it's a tricky time for comparing what peers are up to and the pressures of what success looks like and what kind of life journey they're on.

Depression will pull focus from everything, her lack of motivation to be active is a symptom of that. And your observation that her eating habits are linked with low mood is completely recognisable to me. When I eat shit because I'm stressed and sad, it makes me feel worse. When I get myself out for walks and jogs and dance classes I feel better. When I'm eating fewer snacky biscuits and crisps and drinking less alcohol I sleep better so I feel more awake and energised in the morning. Learning all of that and listening to my own body has worked best when I completely removed any thinking about clothes size and weight from the equation.

Weight Watchers and Slimming World completely fucked up my relationship with food and exercise. Finding ways of moving and enjoying good food saved me mentally.

I also have friends and relatives who have been in a similar situation to your daughter and their way forward came about after receiving PCOS diagnoses. Understanding hormones made all the difference to them.

Damn, this thread was like catnip to the Mumsnet Orthorexia Massive wasn't it? It truly has it all.

I mean I think her BMI is now over 30. She can still get clothes in mainstream shops. If I'm completely honest about what she was wearing it was a very short skort which because it was too tight was riding up and showing the "shorts" bit even when she wasn't bending down that essentially looked like her knickers. She was going into town and I was actually worried she would get comments, which would devastate her. And no, I don't think fat = ugly and don't think I have never given that impression - she knows I have friends and family of all sizes and I never mention weight. I have never mentioned her weight unless she has She, however is hooked on Insta etc, and I would say probably does think fat = ugly.

As someone who grew up with very disordered eating (too thin) and a parent who constantly told me my outfits were unflattering etc I’d honestly try and see if you can get her onboard with therapy. I’m now a therapist myself but haven’t specialised in eating disorders or weight management so there maybe other answers that are better. But - Please only use therapists that are either: registered psychologists with the HCPC, or registered psychotherapist with the BABCP or BACP. You can find people advertising services on psychology today.

is there anyway someone could get involved in walking more / cycling / weights / gym classes and the focus being on getting endorphins and moving our bodies and mental wellbeing and NOT initially on the weight. Loosing fat can be hard especially at her age with hormones being everywhere and she’s still really young so although yes she is overweight focusing on this now could cause further problems with her relationship with food.

you could also see if she wanted to get help from a nutritionist / dietician to help her understand food and how it impacts our mood. if she wants to, you could look at her getting involved with a personal trainer but I’d definitely do research about how they manage food and calories because some trainers will put people on an extremely dangerous calorie deficit, so a body positive trainer or women’s health focused trainer might be better.

good luck. Also to rectify this just be honest with her that you don’t want to hurt her feelings and you love her no matter what, and ask what does she want to do about everything. She’s obviously trying hard to keep her confidence up with her outfits but maybe for now she could get a few new ones that do fit her better until she’s ready to move towards changing things x

This is the best answer ❤️

I think you handled it fine. You’re not going to lie but were tactful. If she doesn’t want to know the truth then she shouldn’t ask and that’s a life skill / lesson. I feel sorry for her, I was morbidly obese in my 20’s but I knew not to complain to anyone about it or to ask how I looked because h linearly no one wants to hear it and I was fat. She should be able to get some weight off by making very small changes at that age. Suggest some walks together? My mum used to do that with me bless her.

This is exactly what I wanted to say! Improve her self esteem and encourage healthy eating habits too.