AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

Was he drunk?

TBH the great liberation of relationships at this age is you really don’t have to put up with much that you don’t like. I’m fully on board to be dp’s carer if it comes to that because age is cruel and life brings illnesses, but the flip side is that his personality and love makes me happy every day. Our lives are fully intertwined now but I wouldn’t hesitate to unpick that rather than live with any of this sort of nonsense.

when I got upset he said that he didn't actually mean himself - but men that want trophy wives

Yes, but he said he could see why they wanted trophy wives whilst looking at you. If he can't understand why that's super insulting, then he's obviously very emotionally stupid!

I think he does mean himself as he’s mentioned it a few times. Men who don’t think about it would never raise it.

I’m not dating atm but have already decided this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

I would 💯 rather be single than be with someone who has ‘settled’ for me even though they actually want someone younger, they just can’t get them.

I have two very beautiful teenage daughters (18), when I date someone I get them to walk past the bloke in the street (before they know them). If the bloke pervs on them in any way (bloke would be around 40/50), then it’s an instant dump.

Absolutely this.
These delusional creeps deserve total honesty.

What your boyfriend said was unforgivable and worse given your update saying he is insecure. The fact that you have better language skills and have helped him with things tells me YOU are the prize in the relationship

I hate that while he is minimising your hurt, you're over reacting, all men think like that had you said it to him he wouldn't have minded, you are here making excuses for him. He tells me every day I'm beautiful, he seems to be mad about me.

He is a creep. 100% his search history will prove if you are brave enough.

What a prick! It's one thing to THINK something like that, quite another to say it out loud while looking at your DP who is not a younger woman. What he was really saying was 'I look at you and I wish I was with someone younger'. I'd have told him he was free to find one, if one would take on an old codger like him, and leave him to it.

I just couldn’t be arsed with that. If he thinks he can pull a young woman let him crack on. I’m sure she will be delighted to be helping him with his medical issues. I would say that this is the absolute final warning and if there’s one more peep about craving anything at all, you are walking. You don’t need this crap.

He deliberately said that to make you think you’re not good enough showing he is not good enough for you.

Thank him for the heads up and move on.

You are all saying what I know is true and it's horrible to feel that after all this time I might not be able to get over this remark and it can end things. But I know that I won't forget it and will always wonder if he is thinking that secretly while trying to keep me on side. He kind of makes a remark like this about once a year but not quite as bad as this one ffs.

Has one of his pals managed to hook a young woman? And he’s telling the lads? Satisfied his craving… Now your fella wants the same!

That's appalling. Who the fuck says that out loud?

I'm afraid if have looked him up and down and replied with
'i feel the same about understanding women who want a much younger man. Imagine: no traipsing off for their medical appointments or accepting someone can't learn a new language because they're past it. That's before you get to the sagging bits, the yellowing teeth and so on. Yes, it's thin pickings for women looking for an attractive man past 60'

I had something similar a couple of years ago, two years after I split from my abusive husband. I was 60 at the time.

Our first time in bed. He was also 60 (new chap). Me, nervous. In retrospect looking for reassurance

Me: (only half-joking) You know, you could trade me in for a younger model.

Him: (really not joking) They wouldn't have me!

I think I died a little.

OP, this was a pretty shitty thing to say to you. You deserve so much better. Talk to him, but I'm not sure he'll get it. And, it will haunt you if you stay with him.

In the bin!

I would have come back with and I can understand why women crave younger men. He wouldn’t be DP anymore he would be an ex. Getting older happens to everyone like it or not. Does he think he’s gods gift to women?

Yes, very off putting. I must admit if it were me I’d say something like, yes!!! I know, I crave the men I slept with in my youth with their flat abs and constant erections. It’s part of craving ones youth back. As it goes, I know I’m 60 something and miss being young and perfect, but hey ho! We are what we are, I guess. Older, arent we?

If you haven't dumped him yet then you're underreacting, not overreacting. Nobody needs a negging, ungrateful perv in their life. Let him navigate the health system on his own, or aided by one of the hordes of young beauties who will no doubt be lining up to date a whiny, pervy old invalid who doesn't speak the local language. 🤣

PS are you in France? Because young French guys seem pretty keen on older women. If you're well preserved, you actually have a better chance of dating younger than a man your age would have. Whether dating younger interests you or not, I think this is something to bear in mind when men our age try to "neg" us about no longer being young.

He's a nasty person. No young woman would look at an old hog like him unless he's rich. He's making a mockery of himself even saying this

What makes it harder is generally there isn't anything he wouldn't do for me. He is generous (with the little money he has) and always shows up - doesn't play games and gets on well with my family (and cats) - we have friends in common and a pretty good social life - all down the drain over one shitty remark which is what I think was him thinking out loud.

Well, maybe it's worth having a serious conversation about how it made you feel?
Although the accusation of over-reacting would annoy me just as much as the original remark.
You know you can do better x

He’s vile

Christ, he's a walking mid life crisis.

In all seriousness… you may not be able to ‘ do better’. I think he just said out loud an unexamined impulse that is very common.

btw, my best friends husband told me he’d like to have a threesome with me and his wife’s other best friend. Yeah, well. Some blokes just speak their fantasies out loud. I’d like to have had a long weekend with Clint Eastwood, but I don’t actually randomly say it to people.

nofilter

He does mean you tho hes looking at you and saying i would rather be intimate with someone young sexy and attractive rather than you, hes putting you down why on earth would you question that! Seriously just tell him you would rather a young richard gere but that you are now off to find a partner who respects you and doesnt put you down....im also sure looking at his dangly bits doesnt fill you with joy either

The trouble is that some shitty remarks convey such a lot about a person's whole outlook. Just imagine saying, for example, to a (white) DH "I can see why women prefer black cock." To even think along those lines, much less speak it out loud, you have to have a pathetic mindset. And someone with a pathetic mindset doesn't make good relationship material.