AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

Have you asked him how he would feel if you said you could understand why married women have affairs with younger men?

You could use that to illustrate why you can't get past his remarks (plural) and have had enough of it?

You’re not over reacting at all. Not a nice comment to make and a bit well, odd!!

God, that's so depressing, not least because I suspect it's a widespread view. Maybe we should just be euthanised after menopause if we're so superfluous. No point in spending time with us or talking to us, no point in us going to the cinema or an exhibition and sharing our opinions of what we've heard or seen, no point in keeping abreast of current affairs, or travelling, or playing board games or sports or seeing friends or thinking about spiritual things or trying to make the world a better place. All just pointless once our vaginas no longer have adequate tone and lubrication. How disappointing men can be.

It's also probably true. If she does take him back, she'll likely end up with zero self esteem.

I need to know what I am going to say - I don't want the usual conversation of 'oh, you know I love you and you took it the wrong way' or being accused of being over-sensitive or that it is blamed on being just man talk.

But, I don't think I can get past this comment - I feel that I have been a good and thoughtful girlfriend with certain of his health issues and other problems. He spends a lot of time here and I cook for him...

I guess the first thing you need to get settled in your brain is whether or not you can get past it. Because that will be the deciding factor, won't it? If you can't get past it, it doesn't matter what he says, does it? The relationship is dead in the water and all you need to say is "I cannot get past what you said. I don't want to talk about it or hear any reasons or your excuses. I am ending our relationship". If you can get past it, then any conversation should be about what you feel and what you expect going forward. He can and should apologize unreservedly, but again, his excuses and reasons are immaterial.

It really seems as if you do an awful lot for him. Do you sincerely feel that the relationship is an 'equal' one where he does as much for you in a practical way as you do for him? I know you help with translating and with his medical issues. But if he spends 'a lot of time' and you 'cook for him', does he contribute to that? I don't mean paying your rent/mortgage. But does he buy food? Cook for you occasionally, even if all he can do is scramble eggs? Has he ever offered to offset your costs if there is an increased usage of water, electricity, etc either financially or with DIY? My cousin had a BF who also spent a lot of time at her place and she fixed plenty of meals (some 'to go') and did little things for him like mending and sewing buttons. He never gave her money but he did (and paid for) all the DIY and 'little improvements' (painting, plumbing etc) that cropped up during their time together. She felt the relationship was 'equal' on those terms.

Is he very rich ? If not he is unlikely to have much interest shown from younger females.
What an absolutely vile thing to say to someone he is supposed to care about . If there is a next time I would have a couple of retorts ready for him along the lines of “ your wallet isn’t big enough” or “ why on earth do you think a younger woman would be interested in you ?”
But seriously just get rid , then he is free to chase all the young women he likes!

First of all I think you are very justified in how you are feeling, no woman should be made to feel this way.
a couple of things have stood out from your posts, and they both point to the same thing. You mentioned his recent health issues. Is it possible that he is suddenly realising his age, and somewhat grieving for the younger man he was? In a way criticising himself rather than you, but being very clumsy hurtful in the process? Without actually meaning it literally?
Secondly, you sound like a wonderful woman who is very supportive, someone who is also trying to reconcile the effects of age.
is it possible that due to the positions and ages in which you find yourselves that actually there could be a discussion to see exactly what he thinks led him to say such a hurtful thing?
I say this as a single lady in my 50s myself.
I wish you the very best of luck, and hope things work out for the best.
stay safe from the fires

He’s said it before and as much as you tried hard there is no getting away from intent.

Please don’t stay in a relationship where your partner is not just settling but tells you, out of fear of being alone.

He sounds fucking vile.

For me the bigger issue is that he did not blurt this out accidentally (which would be bad enough) but by your account he looked at you, and decided to make that comment. The very obvious subtext of which was 'when I look at you, I see your age, and actually it's unattractive, and younger women are more attractive '. Can you for one second imagine who he actually is, to decide to make that hurtful vile comment. Can you picture any scenario where you would look him in the eye, and say something so spiteful to him. Of course not. Because you are a decent person. All the clinging and crying in the world doesn't erase the fact that he has revealed himself to have a deeply unpleasant and cruel streak. You deserve better, and that can include being happily single. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it's really awful when we get a glimpse into what someone is actually like underneath the facade.

You come across really lovely, open minded person and maybe in time if you decide you can't get away from the hurtful comment you might be friends with the ex if he's not all together awful, all the best with your decision. Have enjoyed hearing your weather reports too.

dump him asap.. he is a creepy loser, does he think a younger woman would look at him twice, they need to run for the hills!!

Many men likely think it, if I see Jacob Elordi on the tv I wish I could have a bit of that, however to say it to you, he’s just too comfortable and doesn’t respect you. He also probably would flutter off given the opportunity. Find a nice man not a silly twerp.

Yes, it is just that, he never blurted it out by mistake and it wasn’t just a random comment apropos nothing, perhaps after seeing some young woman on the tv etc. He personalised it by looking at her and saying it out of the blue. Like there was no filter applied. He is a prize idiot, he sounds like he has feelings for her, but isn’t attracted to her through something she cannot help, her age. And perhaps he has friends who have discussed how they would like a young woman, or has friends who are now in a relationship with a young woman. It’s baffling, particularly as his ex wife cheated with him with a younger man - that must surely have stung so why on earth say something in a similar vein to that?

In Jo Woods’s autobiography, she spoke about her long relationship with her ex Ronnie Wood, he of the cadaverous unattractive appearance who was older than her. When she was in her 50s, still a great looking woman, and after decades of trying to keep him on the straight and narrow, he looked at her quizzically one day and said, you know I never saw myself ending up with a middle aged woman. She was very hurt, and not long after he took up with a very very young waitress and it ended their long and what she thought was a happy marriage. And then of course he found someone in her 30s, and they had more kids to add to his brood. Men are monumental arses, ones with money or fame can act on their preferences because some women fall for the dosh or fame, but Joe Public can only think about it and we’ll, crave…

I find it difficult to advise you but just wanted to say so sorry you are in this position. You sound so very thoughtful and I hope you make the right decision for you …you have so much going for you!

A woman in her 40s posted on the relationships board part of text with her 50 something boyfriend of four and a half years. She is in physical pain and worried about tests etc. He is worried she won't be up for sex when he visits. Unbelievably he texts: What will I do with my unsexual, unhorny, dry middle aged babe 🥲🥲

What is wrong with them?

Just saw a quote somewhere, you could be the most beautiful blue, but that won’t help if their favourite colour is red.

I wish I had read that when I was younger.

Porn has clearly done a real number on men.

That's it, exactly 🤗

It is also quite possible for men to sincerely prefer maturity over youth. But that requires them to be emotionally mature themselves.

😂

I think if I were Op, I’d hand the bf this thread to read. His craving would never be quite as compelling again.

AcrossthePond55

Good morning and thank you for your thoughtful post. Quick weather update = 30 degrees already at 10ish here. It is expected to go up to 40 again this afternoon and we have a another red weather alert - it wouldn't surprise me if we got a hosepipe ban soon as one of my friends visited a little local river yesterday and it has practically dried up.

In answer to the fact that I do a lot for him - and I do - he equally does a lot for me too. He does my garden (after having put a patio and fencing in it a couple of years ago), takes out the rubbish every time he comes - makes a good spaghettl bolognese - is always popping to the shops for me - pays his own way and takes me out often. Was amazing to me after my car accident - sorted everything out and looked after me.

This is why it's so difficult :( - if he was generally a bit of a knob or sulky or mean - it would be easier but honestly he is not. Reading the thread in relationships about the horrible text - he has never been difficult about sex or lack of for any reason.

Still mulling it all over - I will be having a talk with him and getting to the bottom of it all - and if I can't feel better about it, then it will be over.

My daughter thinks it's his clumsy and stupid sense of humour - she thinks that I should weigh up everything and said that 'ok - he says something insulting and hurtful about once a year - compared with everything he does do - she wants me to try and put it to one side as she likes the fact that if I need him - he drops everything and will do anything for me.

We'll see. One thing I don't have is a lack of self-esteem - I fought too hard to get out of a long bad marriage and find my strength again and I am pretty happy in my own skin. If and it's a BIG if - I decide to forgive him - it would be on no uncertain terms that ONE MORE comment that even touches on that subject - it would be the end.

I change my mind about every ten minutes at the moment 🙄

My daughter thinks it's his clumsy and stupid sense of humour

Do you think he was just making a joke, OP? Genuine question.

Your daughter isn't in a relationship with him though.

If you can't get past it, you can't get past it. I bet he hasn't spent a moment thinking about it since he said it.