AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

AcrossthePond55

Thank you :) Yes, I understand where you are coming from with the practical joke stuff - he doesn't do that but his sense of humour is pretty infantile and Monty Pythonish - a sign of his age and career I think. My ex-H was also a raging alcoholic so my heart goes out to you for what I know you will have had to put up with. It is hard to find a good man or even one that is sufficiently good - and that is what is driving my decision, plus the fact that I have a great deal of fondness for him. I don't think I will ever fall in love again at my age but it's enough. My best friend has waded in on this and she said he hasn't got a bad bone in his body, and she thinks it's a sign of insecurity on his part. Still, my head has been all over this since Friday and honestly it is so hot here 42 degrees in my garden that my brain is getting fried!! Thank you again for your comments and posts - I have really appreciated them.

Men are hard wired to find young fertile women attractive. Yes, it’s an uncomfortable fact for some but that’s nature and the imperfection of evolution. But to be so blatant about this in mentioning it seems rude and insensitive.

Yet, I am amazed at how attractive women over 60 can appear these days… like age is no barrier.

I was going to post my opinion but wanted to read the whole thread first, and it seems you have reached the same conclusion yourself.

Hopefully, the no contact time has shown him just how seriously you view these comments and how hurtful you find them. My opinion was going to be that he would be given ONE more chance and if he ever made any comment about younger women again he would be gone and you’d never look back. Whether he would prefer a younger woman or not is kind of by the by. It’s rubbish for you to think about but he can’t actually help his preferences. What he can help, now that he absolutely knows how it makes you feel, is hurting you. If he did it again, I wouldn’t be breaking up with him because he likes younger women (well, I would a bit) but instead because of the hurt and upset it causes you. If he loves you, he should never want to do that to you again.

Out of interest OP is he French or English?

I'm French but I wouldn't date a French man (again).

I assumed he was English as the OP described helping him with the language.

I think you've made the right decision. For a while reading your thread I thought you should finish it, but as the thread has moved on and you've described him more, and the generally good relationship you have, I felt that there was still a decent relationship for you to enjoy with him.
You're also right to say that any further comments of this nature will fully cross your line. He knows now, so he really has no excuses.
I wish you much luck and happiness going forward, and really hope that he takes this on board and doesn't disappoint you.

He's testing your boundaries. How far can he push you or behave badly before you respond.

She has responded, by withdrawing and taking some time and space to think.

I don't think he's testing her boundaries. I think he is just inconsiderate of how a comment like that would make a woman feel. He was treating her like a (male) friend in that moment, and the fact he didn't immediately correct himself and explain what he really meant or offer her some immediate reassurance shows he is a bit dim in this regard.

Many men think like this, but most are smart enough to not express it in front of an older woman, let alone the woman they profess to care about so much.

Next time I'd reply middle aged paunch and balding isn't really the prime specimen he seems to think it is.

I think you afk him, sober, why he keeps saying it. Is he trying to make you feel insecure? Like you're lucky he has chosen you? Is he hinting that he wants to play around and want to see if you'd agree? Is he hinting to leave? Honestly, if he's looking to make you declare how much you want him then he is not worth holding onto. He sounds line s jerk to me. No nice guy plays-games games with your emotions and confidence.
I think your bar is low. Your friend is wrong. Why is she encouraging you to settle like this?

Which friend is encouraging her? Have you even read the OP's posts?

And as for the "sober" comment, there's absolutely no suggestion that alcohol was involved in this situation. OP has done her time with an alcoholic, so I find your assumption slightly insulting.

In summary, you seem to have so little understanding of this thread that I don't really know why you bothered joining it (at such a late stage, too).

Oh OP what a difficult decision for you. Normally I’m the first to post LTB, some of the shit women on put up with on here make me aghast!!

BUT it sounds like this man has many many redeeming features and you genuinely seem to like/love each other.

Yes what he said was pathetic and crass, and maybe you should have replied what younger woman would want you!!? It always makes me laugh that men think a woman younger than them would want them. Unless they are a multi-millionaire or famous, why would they? I mean look at Leonardo de Caprio, does he think he’d have those glamorous girlfriends if he was Barry from Accounts. Sad pathetic man!!

Anyway I digress, yes what he said was pathetic but you have a good life and it sounds like you’d miss his companionship, support and company. If you were in your 20s would I give you advice to stay with him? Hell no!

But truth be told, at our age there aren’t that many more fish in the sea, well not good ones anyway. I’ve been single 10 years as my standards are very high and would love a relationship like yours.

He realises he’s crossed a line, but only you know if you can get over his remark. Personally I think in a couple of months you’d miss him, if not sooner. He appears to bring a lot of positives to your life.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thats horrible and a bit weird. He sounds like hes in a midlife crisis. I hope you find better.

"I find your assumption slightly insulting."

You, do? 🤔

I wholeheartedly hope so !!

What a disrespectful little dweeb of a man

"He is usually pretty insecure"

And that's exactly why he's saying these things. He's deliberately trying to damage your self esteem. You're not overreacting... you're just realising you can do better and deserve better. Don't wait for this to get worse (because it will) just remind yourself what you're worth and get rid.