AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

I agree with this. ^
I wouldn’t be so fast to throw it all away personally.

I feel sad for you that’s your experience and the way you’ve been treated and how your husband thinks, but as much as it may comfort you to think it’s all men, it really isn’t,

And the first post nails it😃

I really don’t think what he said “I understand men my age craving a younger woman” is the same as saying “I crave sex with a younger woman” - which would be a gross thing to say to anyone, let alone direct to you! I understand why people crave McDonalds and beach holidays, but I don’t.

Look, if it’s the last straw in a long list of problems that’s totally fair enough, but I wouldn’t bin an otherwise good relationship and lovely man over one crass, ill-thought-out comment. I think that’s a mad thing to do.

I tend to agree @Xnz2022. It was a dumb remark to make but more a sign that he has no filter rather than anything deeply wrong. It wouldn't occur to me that my dH wouldn't find younger women attractive, I mean - they ARE more attractive, he isn't blind. I'd be more concerned if he was like 'what, no you are the only attractive woman on earth' and lying to me. Even when we were younger I never felt that he was with me because I was the only person he found attractive. He certainly isn't the most attractive to me, there were always more attractive men around and now as we are starting to age, turning 50 soon, I think men in their 30s and 40s are so much more attractive than him or other men his age. Aside from the fact we are married and not looking, neither of us are delusional enough to think we would stand a chance with a younger model.

I thought this was even worse than the first comment as you were sitting next to him and he said it to someone else.

Its difficult to say anything helpful and I think you are wise to spend time considering. The things that jump out to me is whether there is some disparity between you, where things are better for him if he's with you - eg you are better off or have a better social circle and so you provide interest and things to do, which he wants.. and I note you said you help with with medical things..

You've said there are some things about him which are perfect, and attentive, so it is difficult to contrast his good attentive behaviour, with these things he's been saying...so Its hard to know as an outside onlooker how much weight to give to these comments that have upset you. They are odd ways for someone committed to express themselves... and the language "crave"
But maybe its something you might be able to pin point on reflection if his "good" behaviour is masking selfish motives.. or to weigh up if he's truly committed to you and has one of those no filter brains which says whatever comes into his head even if he doesn't mean it... or if he's finding it comfortable and very useful to be with you, but still keeping his eye out for a more exciting alternative.. (sorry I am not saying it to upset you, just pointing out how there could be many different motives but only you can really assess which is the most accurate)

I'd also be thinking about why his first two marriages ended, and if that reveals any behaviours which might affect your own relationship.

So at least you are taking time and a bit of a gap to really think about it and thinking ahead to what you want in the future. I wish you all the best in finding your answers.

I agree with those posters who are saying that he might just not have a very good filter. Maybe he’s on the autistic spectrum and doesn’t really understand that it’s not good socially to say every thought in your head!
My DH once said a comment about someone who he had fallen for (not while in a relationship with me) and not ever got together with - he said to me “oh she was out of my league anyway”. For ages it really bothered me, as to me that suggested that he had to just settle for someone like me! I’ve moved on from being bothered now though as I realise that most of us say dumb things sometimes.

Remind him the last thing a younger woman would want is a man in his sixties unless he looks like Brad Pitt and has the bank balance to go with it.

Yes it was gross and disrespectful, but who has not sometimes stuck their foot in their mouth, I would not end an otherwise good relationship over this, we all get older and our filter gets fucked.

Wow what a 🌵

His wife had an affair with a younger guy, if the OP was a bitch she could have said I understand why some wives have affairs with younger men. But OP isn’t a bitch, she knows that once she planted that seed he would be wounded by that type of comment. He didn’t feel the same regard for her feelings. What was she supposed to take from that.

Wishing the OP all the best with whatever decision she takes. But she needs to know his comments should not affect her self confidence.

ExBert80 - thank you so much - your kind post brought me back to the thread 😘 Yes, it crossed my mind (briefly) to say something about that, but I couldn't hurt him that badly in a fit of revenge. I think I've made him sound like a complete loser reading back, but he isn't - he has lots of good qualities and spent his career helping other people in crisis. I think I have also come across as being a bit up myself, hence a couple of snarky comments, but probably understandable. I think after my accident and subsequent treatments I have really been feeling my age and so it hit me hard to hear what he said. I am still processing but we will need to have a conversation as I wouldn't finish it over text/phone and I want to hear his side of all this and if at the end of that, I don't feel I can get past it, I will break up with him.

It does sound like you will take him back - for fear of being alone.

Fair enough.

You will always be on edge though because, as you said, he drops a clanger once a year.
And now you know what he's really thinking - he craves a younger woman. What a way to live.

"I thought I'd found a genuine good guy"
This morning I was reading the Sunday Times Culture magazine (ooh, get me!) and came across this article - "Beware! How Mr Nice Guy became the ultimate villain"

It included this comment:
"He appears lonely and insecure rather than threatening. If anything, he is paralysed by his own sensitivity.Yet Bear is also instantly recognisable because he belongs to a type that has become increasingly prominent across contemporary culture: the toxic nice guy."

You might find the article interesting.

I have just read that! Great piece

This is true about the losing of the filter as we age. Good point! I struggle sometimes to not say things, these days, I can imagine the day when I lose the struggle and put my foot in it.

It's fairly clear to me that youth is more physically attractive, conventionally. No lines, smooth skin, no jowells etc. But I also know we've all been conditioned to value this. I see through it now.

Is he not very bright? That would be my main concern.

I remember my dad telling me he didn’t know how any man his age would possibly find a woman his age attractive once they get to 50ish. He was about that age at the time. he had one relationship that ended because of his behaviour (mum) and was lonely as an old man. As an older person now who is extremely capable of finding older people very attractive I assume there will be men my age who have the ability to see a life lived in my facial features rather than ugliness. Anyway my dad was not normal and a horrible person. And your post made me think of that pathetic man.

I doubt that very much! Im sure his balls hang lower than his knees, his manhood has seen better days and he groans coz his back hurts

This is difficult. It’s really hard to find nice, genuine men. I’m 37 and still looking! However, he hasn’t just made one odd comment about fancying younger women, he’s made multiple. I wonder, given his ex wife cheated on him with a younger man, if he says it out of insecurity to almost test you. Perhaps he’s trying to start up a conversation about fancying younger people in order to test whether you may be interested in younger men and therefore whether there’s any chance of you having an affair/leaving him also?
Otherwise I would think that deep down he would like a younger woman. Either way, the comments are odd and disrespectful and I wouldn’t want to be with an insecure man, nor one that lusts for a younger woman.

I see in one of your posts that you say your daughter lives close by and you see her once a week and that “he looks after my daughter if she needs something doing in her flat”.
I’m sorry if this shocks and upsets you but had he seen her recently - is that who he ‘craves’?
After his horrible pervy comment I’d be watching how he behaves around her, how he looks at her etc as I wouldn’t be able to stop hearing his words.

Tell him you understand how women look for men with larger "appendages" but learn to value the entire person.

(Yes, its one of those days with me I'm not tolerating men.)

Poor guy, the realisation is going to dawn on him that younger women generally don’t want to date men who are a lot older. In the meantime you should probably throw him back.

Getofftheunicorn -

I understand where you are coming from - but my daughter is married (to another girl) and wouldn't really fit into his type IYSWIM 🙂 He just goes round, with me, to fix taps, sticky doors, etc. I think we are all bombarded with so many young girls on social media and tv - more than when he or I were young that there is an abundance of images to feed imagination.

What a complete prat with zero sensitivity. Does he think he is doing you a favour? Is this crass behaviour typical or is he usually OK enough to tolerate this lapse. Sounds as if he is feeling his age! Weigh up pros and cons and if too many cons tell him you realise you would like a younger man to play with and wish him a nice life!