AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

Beachtastic

I don't know to be honest = he said it like it was funny and he has a very clumsy blokeish sense of humour - maybe he was trying to be funny, I don't know. When I tackled him about the - does she have a younger sister for me comment - he said he felt a bit uncomfortable and blurted out something stupid - he apologised for weeks after that one. He can make me cringe with some of the stupid things he says - he was in a very male dominated profession and I think it rubs off - he's also a bit of a dinosaur. He has been messaging me and leaving me voicemails - saying he is so so sorry - that if I broke up with him, he wouldn't want to date again ever as he thinks we are so suited. It is such a difficult decision.

It’s a really tough decision I would weigh up the options but if I was to continue with the relationship I would make sure he is aware of being in the last chance saloon. Good luck I’m sure you will come to a decision in time.

Still mulling it all over - I will be having a talk with him and getting to the bottom of it all - and if I can't feel better about it, then it will be over.
My daughter thinks it's his clumsy and stupid sense of humour - she thinks that I should weigh up everything and said that 'ok - he says something insulting and hurtful about once a year - compared with everything he does do - she wants me to try and put it to one side as she likes the fact that if I need him - he drops everything and will do anything for me.

She is not old enough to know how such a comment would sting, and cut the legs out from under you. And he is not sensitive enough to grasp why you are upset about it.

I just can't imagine ever having sex with him again, and not thinking, I wonder if he is "craving" a younger partner, fantasising about a young woman, etc etc.

If you are happy with him thinking about other women when hes pleasing himself so to speak and maybe looking at porn of younger women then stay with him

It’s not true that he hasn’t spent a minute thinking about it, given OP’s posts:

he has sent several pleading messages - 'so sorry, can't sleep, please please forgive me, etc'.

I don’t know if I could get past this or not, but I do know that it wouldn’t be a quick decision after a 6 year relationship

He thinks you’re lucky. Let’s dwell on that for a moment

Yes - there is no disputing the sheer twattishness of the comments - I'm not diminishing them at all - that time I think we were talking about a friend who left his long term girlfriend for someone younger and I think he was trying to say in a ridiculously stupid way that he was like that (but said I was lucky he wasn't like that) so it came out wrong.

He may well think of other women in his head and of course they would be younger/beautiful - like most men I expect. That being said - I am not averse to having a little fantasy about Dave Navarro/Jason Momoa/Tom Hardy myself.

I've been on the planet too long to not know a bit about what goes on in their heads, however much they might love their partner. It's just monumentally stupid to share it out loud!

You're obviously talking yourself into staying with him, which is of course your decision to make. I'd just be prepared to continue to hear 'funny' comments that cause you pain and make you wonder what he's actually thinking.

Everyone's different and has different bars for behaviour, maybe I'm very unforgiving but as soon as a man behaves horribly, drunk or not, accidentally or not, that's it. It's worked for me so far and I've had/have very happy and fulfilling relationships!

If he said it like it was funny, then maybe it was just a clumsy joke that landed badly. Only you can tell whether there's any real hankering behind it, or if he was just teasing you about your choice of sunwear 🌞

These are what’s he’s supposed to do. He can still be a perve🤷‍♀️

Daughter giving him a lot of wiggle room weighs far more than lots of unknown posters who’ve never met him being condemnatory then off they go back to their real lives.

Daughter is no doubt too old for him. If he was ogling her with his 'craving for young flesh" I am sure she would feel different about giving him the benefit of the doubt and suggesting her mother count her blessings and brush of her unease at his confession.

Taking out the rubbish and making a decent spaghetti bog isn’t really here or there. After all, these things aren’t difficult.

For me it comes down to respect. Does he have proper respect for you? Why is he repeating the offence even though you’ve told him how inappropriate this is and how it makes you feel? If he doesn’t believe the things he is saying, then why is he saying them? Why is using such language eg.crave which seems to magnify the offence. And not just once!

I can see that you are conflicted. But if you do decide not to split with him, I hope you are able to be very clear with him that this is absolutely his last chance. I do worry for you that you’ll always have that niggle in your mind wondering about what he’s really thinking ….

Good luck, whichever way you decide.

He can make me cringe with some of the stupid things he says - he was in a very male dominated profession and I think it rubs off - he's also a bit of a dinosaur
I was very much in the ditch him camp until I read ^ and what your daughter said. Also, what you said about your accident making you suddenly feel older. I think I get what you mean about that. I think we all reach a point where all sorts of things make us suddenly think, "Oh, I'm not actually still 30 even though I feel like I am." It's horrible and him talking about men craving younger women so close to that is going to strike deep.

I also know men of a similar age and background who say astonishingly sexist things, but in most other ways are not dinosaurs at all. It's as if they've learned by rote or been conditioned to talk about women that way and it's just accepted, by them, as being blokey joking. Even though they aren't my partner, I challenge them, ask them why they think it's funny and as they are otherwise intelligent people I see them pause, ponder and realise what they've said is dumb. (I quite enjoy that). They don't stop entirely, but look a bit sheepish whenever the next similar dumbness falls out of their mouths.

If he is doing the same maybe he really doesn't join the dots between that laddish "humour" and the wonderful woman he is lucky to have. That kind of stupid isn't attractive, but maybe on balance it might be forgivable?

Maybe my bar is too low but I think, if he sounded sincere that he didn't actually crave younger women and didn't feel like he was settling for me, I would give him one more chance because other than him saying stupid, cringeworthy things from time to time, he sounds like a decent man. But I would only do that if he fully agreed that those kind of comments are insulting and make him look like an old fool.

Oh stop.

I think your dilemma is really tough (and perhaps is particularly interesting to the rest of us) because it sits right at the heart of the cant-live-with-em-can't-live-without-em feeling that a lot of us have about men. Men can be so crass, so entitled, so useless. Their social conditioning combines really badly with their evolutionary biology to make them a real menace to women. But some of them at least can also be interesting, funny, kind, good company etc.

Having come out of the arse end of a relationship that was a toxic mixture of all of the above, I would never advise you to stay with someone who shows their contempt through negging, breadcrumbing and other abusive behaviours, but only you know whether that's what he's doing, or whether he's just behaving in ways that occasionally betray the toxic culture in which he's necessarily steeped by virtue of his sex.

The thread is mainly urging you to call time, and some posters are trying to shame you into end things, with passive-aggressive comments like "you're obviously going to stay and let him trash your self-respect", but we don't know him, or you for that matter. In my opinion, it's okay to acknowledge that he's hurt you deeply and needs to make the effort to understand why and make amends, and still decide you want to continue the relationship. Two things can be true at the same time. And it's also okay to say enough is enough, and that he's had plenty of chances already.

You sound like you have your head screwed on, so I reckon you'll make the right choice in your own time.

For me, the deciding factor would be that he has done it before, spent weeks apologising and then went ahead and did it again.

Because of this, I would be certain that he had actually voiced his innermost feelings. Despite knowing how his words would hurt you, he has just leaked it all out yet again.

Of course he is going to try and talk you down but he hasn't actually said that that isn't how he feels has he?

Delusional males undergoing identity crises and envious of women who don't give them unconditional admiration. Sad really.

@Frenchlady14

It sounds then like your relationship with him is pretty 'equal'. I'm glad.

You say he's texting etc about this. Do you think it would be helpful if you asked him for 24-48 hours of 'silence' for you to think without disruption or distraction from him? That way you would be able to sit with yourself quietly and think it through.

The problem is that most people come out with really stupid, even insulting, comments at one time or another. It can be hard to know if it's a true 'brain fart' or them actually blurting out their true thoughts. At this point it sounds as if he's done it twice. Even remarks made from a 'clumsy sense of humour' may have a grain of 'who they really are' in them.

He may well think of other women in his head and of course they would be younger/beautiful - like most men I expect. That being said - I am not averse to having a little fantasy about Dave Navarro/Jason Momoa/Tom Hardy myself.

I agree, we are all entitled to our little fantasies. No sin in that. But I will say this though, for all his faults (and they are multitudinous) my esDH never made stupid comments about other or younger women and if he looked at them when we were out together I certainly never saw him doing it. So it's fairly easy for a man to 'control himself' if he knows what's at stake.

ServietteUnion and AcrossthePond55

Thank you both so much for your understanding posts. You both sound very sympathetic and can understand that this is my life and it will be greatly affected by my decision.

Some of the other responses have been a little hard to take - especially the ones about my daughter - he really does not show any signs of finding her interesting in that way and has told me on a lot of occasions that he is happy to be in her in life and she has accepted him - she has a non-existent relationship with her own father - by choice - he is an abusive drinker that left all the heavy lifting to me. I think my partner has done more for her in the years we have been together than her dad ever did. She thinks he said a stupid and hurtful thing and texted him to say that she felt very disappointed in him and to give me space.

But this is Mumsnet and I expected a variety of responses. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I absolutely respect a forum that encourages that. But I am not pathetic, delusional or suffer from such low self-esteem that I would entertain a man that I though in any way pervy or sleazy. I have never caught him looking at other women in my presence. My ex did all the time - so I have a good antenna for it.

His general personality is kind. As I said in my original post, he doesn't play games and made it very clear every early how he felt about me - I have never doubted that. He just speaks before he thinks sometimes and I do pull him up on it.

He is in pieces - I can hear it in his voice. If he didn't really want me and in fact thought he could get a different/younger partner, then there is nothing keeping us together. We are not married and I am the one that won't progress our relationship further than the times we see each other. I value my own space too much. APART from these crass comment(s) - his humour is I'm afraid a bit 'nudge nudge wink wink' and I am forever rolling my eyes, his only thing is that he can get a bit morose at times (as can I for sure). He doesn't even badmouth his ex-wife even though she treated him really shabbily. He could easily think 'ok I f*ed' up and she won't give me another chance, so be it'. He keeps saying he didn't mean it relating to himself, he can't think why he did say it and he will not forgive himself if it means it finishes us. He said he will give me space - but on Thursday my cat has a scheduled treatment and I have a clashing appointment about my injury. He said he will let himself in and pick her up and bring her back and if I don't want to see him - he will let me know he has left her in the garden in her basket in the shade and just go. Some men might have thought that if I won't even talk to him, I could sort it out myself.

Having been in a horrible relationship with my ex-husband who could barely wash up a fork - he has shown me a lot of love and care and consideration - for a long time so I know it's not for show.

I will try to forgive (but not forget) the comment. It has been good for me to discuss him on here to make me evaluate that 95% of the time he is a lovely man. I'm not going to finish it BUT if he says anything like it ONE MORE TIME - I will. I came so so close.

I think you need a bit of time with this OP. Yes his comments have been crass but he does seem genuinely remorseful. Give him some stewing time and see how you feel in a few days. Sending you a warm hug x

Oh OP 🤗

I was one of the LTB crew, and took a dim view of it all until you said it was meant as a joke. That didn't come across before, or maybe I wasn't reading closely enough.

A clumsy joke is not at all the same as an unfiltered revelation of the workings of his inner mind.

My first marriage was abusive and "jokes" were definitely meant to undermine me as cruelly as possible, but this does not sound like the relationship you're describing.

Only you can work this out. We don't know him at all!

I hope you can make it work, OP. It's hard to find a good man at any time of life!

It wasn't a joke. OP said he was inclined to make winkwink types of jokes, but this was a comment made - as if to a male friend, but unfortunately directly to the woman he sleeps with. And it wasn't the first time he has made such a comment.

Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women'

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women.

They usually mean women in their early twenties.

@Frenchlady14

I will try to forgive (but not forget) the comment. It has been good for me to discuss him on here to make me evaluate that 95% of the time he is a lovely man. I'm not going to finish it BUT if he says anything like it ONE MORE TIME - I will. I came so so close.

I think this is a valid decision. Obvs he needs to know that his 'nudge nudge wink wink' humour is NOT appreciated and he needs to 'can it' when he's with you. Let him know there will be dire consequences if he does not.

My esDH is one for practical jokes and I absolutely abhor them. I made it very clear after a few times that I would not tolerate being the butt of any of his 'jokes'. I told him that I have a finite tolerance for things I don't like. I told him that what he needed to understand was that even I did not know what that tolerance level was. Just that if he didn't stop, at some point it would be one too many and I would say 'enough' and be gone, no second chances. He never pulled a joke on me again.

I guess I'm making him sound like a pretty great guy. He was, until he became a raging alcoholic. That's why I left him.