AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

The creepiness of the comments is bad enough - but the bit that disappoints even more is the way that a man will treat his female partner like an extension of his own mind rarher than an actual separate person: he’ll think it’s OK to say absolutely anything to her, and it should have no impact except that she’ll feel endlessly interested in and delighted by his chat, like a mother might be when her toddler is learning to talk.

It’s not even about his ‘craving’ 🤢 younger women so much as the fact that his sharing these thoughts with you shows you he sees you as some kind of caregiver or therapist or support worker. A loving receptacle for his every passing thought, rather than a genuine partner.

And FWIW he’d be like this with a younger woman too - blurting out his ‘cravings’ for women with bigger boobs or curly hair or whatever, like you might talk about features on a car.

Bollocks, nothing to do with spreading seed. Have you noticed how many older men want younger women but don’t want kids because they’ve been there and done that, or they just don’t actually want babies.

No a lot of them have been on to manosphere or red-pilled and use biology as an excuse for being dirty pervs.

The real reasons older men want younger women is because they’ve can’t take the piss anymore with women their own age, emotionally stunted or they are trying to impress other men, with a trophy on their arm ( look what I’ve got I must still have it etc ).

Older men have always found younger woman to be more sexually attractive I would say it’s the majority. With old it’s allowed many men to experience their fantasies

unfortunately there are many mature women that will take men’s crap too not all younger women put up with crap from men

im more than happy being a women in her 50’s for men not to be particularly interested in me, it’s nothing new

Bloody hell he sounds like a bit of an idiot but if you actually love him and he’s great in general, tell him to cut it out and never talk like that again and forgive him. We all fuck up. It’s not like he said he was craving a younger woman.

mumsnet 🙄

I just thought he was different. He's been through the mill with two failed marriages (his second wife had an affair with a younger man) - I'm not stupid enough to think he doesn't notice or find other women attractive - but, in his lateish sixties - appearing so thrilled and grateful for our relationship for nearly six years - I thought this was something I wouldn't have to contend with.

It's so disappointing that he IS one of those men who revere youth above everything else. The thing is that I know he will break his heart over this - he has a lot less in his life than I do, they are my friends and I have my daughter and he kind of lives on his own and tells me that he mostly waits to come round to see me. I get morning and evening texts and little presents and he is very involved in my house and my life in general.

There will be a HUGE hole in his life if I finish with him. In my heart I feel bad for him because of this. Why the F*K did he feel he needed to share this thought with me? I'm sitting there in the sun with a glass of wine (and my new sunglasses) thinking of whether to do chicken or fish salad for tea and he is sitting there craving sex with a younger woman. I cannot trust what is in his head anymore.

Oh of course they find them attractive because they are in their prime after all, same with younger men they are objectively attractive, compared to their future 40+ selves.

What I can’t get my head around is 40+ average men, getting brainwashed on internet and believing teens and 20s women are jumping to be with them. When I say average men I mean your next door neighbour or uncle, not some rich silver fox movie star type. Why are they so easily fooled ? I imagine it’s the type who thinks every young girl doing her job in customer service, you know just general politeness, fancies him. Or the lap dancer who he’s stuffing money in her draws wants to marry him.

cant get my head around being so gullible just to get their pecker wet with a young woman.

Thegoldenoriole - yes I get what you are saying, really I do. BUT his words were 'I can really understand men of my age craving a younger woman'. He identifies himself understanding the craving - I'm not just trying to find ways to torture myself, but it is practically saying he feels that way? And not for the first time.

I think this has always been the case

when I started work older men woudl take me and my friends out for lunch. Being naive we thought they were just nice friendly men we were totally oblivious to this being an ego trip for them and when I had older men opening up about what they saw as reciprocal feelings I was totally shocked

I think most men happily let themselves be fools when led by their sexual desires I just don’t think woman tend to be that way

I work with a few men in the 20’s get on well with them, really like some of them but it would never ever occur to me that they see me as anything but an older colleague

It’s a mystery to many of us women but it’s as old as time, often pathetic and very often creepy as fuck

If this is what he says/thinks in front of you what on earth does he say when you're not around?

Oo, you say he will miss you if you leave him. Will you miss him?

hes a dirty creep why are you still with the perverted creep , i hope you don’t have any daughters or young relatives around him , he’s telling you what he is so dump him !

When I was very young, about 20, I dated a guy same age as me for over three years. We were high school bf/gf. But on at least three occasions he made similar comments about younger 'perkier' girls, and I eventually left him not because of the specific words, although they were 🤢🤮, but because it spoke to the sort of person he was, the type of guy to think and say something like that and to disrespect me by saying it to me. I am 50 now and to this day I haven't got past it!! I think you will always feel a bit ick by it. If he truly loves you he will accept that and support you as a friend.
You deserve better, why have your happiness and confidence dragged down in this manner.

I don't think you're going to break up with him OP. I think you're letting him stew and fret for a bit, but ultimately you don't want to be on your own and you know he doesn't and his life is actually pretty empty and if you break up with him then you will both be on your own. And ultimately, despite his pathetic ramblings about younger women, it sounds like he knows very well that he couldn't get a younger woman and that he's lucky to have you. Alpha male he certainly ain't!

Ex him .
You sound fabulous
Him not so much .

I just don’t understand you at all. Your issue. And you’ve stated it repeatedly, is he said it. Not he had the thought. Not he looks at you and thinks he settled and wishes you were some younger woman. It means he doesn’t think you’re that attractive,

and yet your issue is he said it.

I also don’t think you want to end this, for all your big talk of him being a loser and you having this full life, I think you’re going to punish him a little and then carry on as usual, Like you did the last time and the time before. Which means you need him more than he needs you.

As I said earlier he has shown you who he is and tried to dress it up in “I can understand why other men my age crave young women” bollocks rather than saying “I crave young women” - they are essentially the same thing but he thought he was being clever by saying “other men”. He’s a dirty old man and is disrespecting you. So what if he “breaks his heart” if you dump him - he is breaking yours with these insults.

Perhaps he’s a pal rather than a sexual partner, from now on. If you tell him you don’t want to be intimate with him given his use of the word crave and his agism, but value him as a friend, maybe?

unless, of course, he’s dynamite in bed.

Fiendishandfiery - Ouch! Ok, firstly it wasn't just that he said it because if he hadn't, I wouldn't have known about the thought - not being a mindreader? He's also not a loser - he is a grandfather and gets on well with his family.

I hope I don't sound like, Oh, I'm so much better than him with everything I've got going on, but IMO lots of men get cut off from friendships groups etc when they leave/lose their wives.

It's not in my nature to play games - I will give myself time to think and then make a decision, I don't intend to string him along or make it a long drawn out thing. At this point, I'm almost ready to call it a day. If he had said this six months into our relationship, it would be a no-brainer and he would be gone. Six years is a long time and I am being cautious. You are of course entitled to your opinion but you don't know me. I rarely post but I'm upset and disappointed and wanted to check that I wasn't overreacting.

Disrespectful to the point where I am wondering if he is either testing you to see what you’ll put up with, looking to provoke you to end things, or losing his mind.

i would not tolerate this kind of deliberate hurtfulness and disrespect!

You are not overreacting.
I feel sad for you too. ☹️

I don’t think posters should be putting pressure on OP to finish it. It should be her decision if she stays or leaves. Yes it’s gross, but if OP ultimately doesn’t want to break up the life she has with him she can at least give him a bloody good scare that he could lose her. Once we’re all off this thread and onto another it’s OP who still has to navigate her life and her choices. Either way, the man needs a scare and a reality check.

There will be a HUGE hole in his life if I finish with him. In my heart I feel bad for him because of this. Why the F*K did he feel he needed to share this thought with me?

Because he could. He could give you a dig that he settled for you but you're not what he really wants, that would be young flesh. And he thinks you'll accept that. If you do, there will be more to come.

I suspect there won't be as big a hole as you think if you end the relationship and there's some resentment there. You think you have this great relationship with a man who's grateful for you and all you do for him and you're really just a stopgap. You help him out, he's got the companionship but you aren't what he craves. And he just told you that. That's some mad disrespect.

Who is really doing the heavy lifting in this relationship?

I think things are getting a little nasty now - I'm not a stop-gap, that is really insulting and I'm just saying that I think it will affect him a lot. Thank you for everyone that empathised over a sad thing and I have taken a lot on board. I think I'll leave the thread now as I don't like getting snarky comments - I'm too upset to deal with them.

All the best, OP - take your time to make this decision and lean on your local friends too ♥

I think so many women are naive. Like everyone saying leave him but I'm pretty sure majority of men have these thoughts daily, he voiced it stupidly, but all these husbands will be exactly the same, just without voicing it.