AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

Maybe they in Thailand and run a 'ladyboy' bar

I dont disagree but how many women go for older men?

As others have said, I wonder if he's 'negging' you because he's insecure. Whatever the reason, it's unacceptable and also shows how stupid he is, especially if he's aware that you can do without him. If it had been the first time he'd said something stupid and he seemed sincerely sorry and eager to make up for it, maybe I'd try to forget, but it's not the first time. His previous comment might have been even worse, imo! I wouldn't want to be with someone who I knew might come out with things like that at any moment, even if it was a rare occurrence.

It sounds like he's insecure and wants you to think that you're the one who is lucky, instead of him, in case you realise your worth. I've been married almost 30 years. My Dh looked at me, out of the blue today, and told me he thought I was beautiful. My hair was in a bun, I had pyjamas on that are several size too big, no make up and I was feeling grumpy because of the heat. I'm not a spring chicken. This is how you know someone values and loves you. I'm sorry, OP. He sounds mean and you deserve better.

Get rid of him. He is a disrespectful pig. I’d try to get him back by saying something spiteful about him tbh - he deserves it!

Who does he think he is? He can crave all he likes, why would a younger woman want to date him anyway? I have no idea why so many men are this delusional.

Crave a younger woman. Ewwww.

He basically told you, to your face, that he is with you because he cant get a younger female. How does this make you feel? I would be hurt and upset.

You can still keep him for sex, I guess, but he is gross and he has no respect for you as a person. What a wanker.

I hate men's tendency to salivate over young females. It seems the age is the most attractive thing to these saddos - they would leave a stunning 40 year old wife who is supportive, caring and intelligent for an average looking 25 year old barely able to read. Just because, you know, she is 25!! One of the guys I knew (he was 39) was referring to his partner as a "23 year old" - not a name, not "girlfriend". Just in case we forget he pulled a young one.

I should hope so!

Yeah he’s blown it hasn’t he? And he’s said similar things before. Let him go and try his hand at attracting 30 year olds on dating apps then!

I’m single long term and 58 and also look good for my age but the only men who try to match with me on dating apps these days are 70+ - they really do think a woman 20+ years younger is their right, despite them not having taken care of themselves and look far older than their age and can’t seem to string a sentence together. Meanwhile, most women I know my age look bloody amazing, are fit, healthy, financially independent and fun.

This. He's a misogynist and a walking cliche - don't tolerate it, bin him off and move on with your life. You are NOT overreacting - he's a creep and that's basis to end any relationship.
There are better men out there. I used to believe all men were like this, but that's just what they want us to believe so that we accept their sleazy behaviour and don't think we can do better x

I’m sorry to say, but he absolutely is referring to himself here. He literally looked at you, and made that comment, out of the blue. If he thinks he can pull a younger woman, let him try… he’ll be in for a rude awakening.

And then the comment he made to another woman asking if she has a younger sister for him, whilst sitting right next to you?!! 🤮

His mask has slipped far too often, the reality is, he thinks he can do better and he has zero respect for you. He’s a creep and you deserve better. I agree with your ‘no contact’ approach and well done for turning him away when he popped in unannounced. I would go one step further and block him.

Yes, I imagine dating in your 60s is not easy, but given you spent years in an unhappy marriage, you’ll know that being single and happy is better than being in a relationship and miserable… especially one where he continues to chip away at your confidence with remarks like those.

It’s sound like you have a good support network around you, including your daughter. Lean into that and spend time with people that make you happy and build you up, not knock you down.

Good morning from already ridiculously hot France (31 degrees and it's only just after 9) Thank you all so much for your thoughts on this - he has sent several pleading messages - 'so sorry, can't sleep, please please forgive me, etc'. I won't block him - but equally I won't engage. I replied and said I didn't want to see or talk to him for a while (while privately I think it's over tbh) - but I don't want any confrontation and it would need to be face to face after all this time. When you have been with someone for this long - your lives get a bit entwined and it's going to be horrible unravelling it and it's too hot and I don't have the mental strength to brush myself off at the moment. I am just so bloody sad - it's an awful thing when you know the damage was done and knowing that it is too bad to ignore. Ugh - why? I think a previous poster was right in that they would be off like a shot for a younger woman - at my age, I've seen wonderful women being sidelined by husbands who got their heads turned - and true!! Beautiful accomplished funny and amazing women being discarded for someone that is JUST YOUNGER!! I am spending a sad Sunday trying to keep cool. Please keep talking to me if you have the time - I really appreciate it x

Stay strong, OP - what helps in the heat? A book in the shade with your feet in cool water?

Well done for taking some time to reflect on your needs and wants and allowing him the space to do the same. He clearly needs a wake up call. Please keep us updated when you are less overwhelmed from the heat. The guy is an idiot btw

It is very disappointjng when someone shows their true colours and it turns out they are not the person you thought they were.
You sound strong and independent and see that he is a choice.. not a necessity.
Just not good enough for you.
It is healthy to take time to reflect and look after yourself.
Stay cool!

Sounds like you are wavering a bit.

Do you think you will take him back for one last chance?

It sounds like you might.

Oh love, put yourself first and firmly so. Sounds like today needs to be about self care which for me means turning off your phone, eating ice cream and reading a good book in the shade.

Paramaribo2025 - Hi - thanks for replying :) It might seem that I am wavering and to be honest I am weighing so much stuff up in my mind - it's exhausting. Apart from this, the man never puts a foot wrong - genuinely. I had a small car accident last year and had to have lots of treatment and he took me to every appointment and looked after me - I didn't have to lift a finger. He looks after my daughter if she needs something doing in her flat - he is very practical. There is a long list of his very good points and as I said, I thought I'd found a genuine good guy (grandfather and loves his family, etc etc). BUT and it is a huge BUT - all of this can be blown away by such an entitled mysogonistic creepy comment. You might have a lovely sandwich, but if hidden away in your lovely sandwich, there was a small rotten part that you had tasted before (sorry for the clumsy metaphor) - would you continue to eat it? That is my dilemma at the moment and it's making me really sad.

You sound very rational and level headed. He sounds desperate and rude tbh. Even if he thinks that he knows he shouldn't say it. You sound like you have a good level of self esteem and self respect. Set a boundary with him. You mention this kind of thing again and we are done. He can go off and chase a 30 year old making a fool of himself no doubt. You can find someone who is secure in themselves and knows how to treat a woman.

@Frenchlady14Your sandwich metaphor is perfect. I’m so sorry. It’s a huge breach of trust, he’s essentially revealed his hand. As you say many an amazing woman gets dropped simply for someone who is younger and is shocked. With your DP he’s even had the gall to say that’s where his mind is at! It’s disrespectful, lecherous, so unattractive and I can understand why you switched off to the relationship. I’m sorry. There will be a man who isn’t like this. You deserve to be with someone who won’t drop you at the first hint of interest from someone younger (which I’m sure your DP would) or make remarks like this. There are men who aren’t like this and want a true companion, not a “trophy” 🤮

OP, whilst you feel sad, it is important to remember that it would be sadder wasting more time on this man.

His messages will be about the panic he is feeling at losing what you do for him. Nobody who truly loved and valued another would ever try to hurt and demean them this way.

I know a family where a relative's 70 year old husband made a pass at the 22 year old niece. He actually orchestrated a situation where they were alone and based on what happened, he truly thought this beautiful, educated young woman would respond in his favour. It blew the family apart for a while as the repucussions rippled through them all. He had entered the family via a late life marriage and clearly felt the risk was worth it - all because of his sick sense of entitlement.

I am with another pp who said many men would turn their backs on wives of 30 years for a 25 year old. I am early 50's but devoutly single after mistreatment and infidelity ended my own marriage. I feel I have been given a gift by feeling the way I do about being single, and I enjoy every aspect of the freedom and peace of mind it gives me.

Once your sadness subsides, try to reframe your thinking around this. He might be really great in many areas of your life - 2 things can be true at same time, but he says things that reveal someone who doesn't see you as his equal, views younger women as objects to 'crave', and feels so strongly about it that he is compelled to share his lecherous thoughts with you.

No amount of DIY'ing, car assistance etc would make me entertain such a man a minute longer. I really feel for you. You don't deserve this, and he definitely doesn't deserve you.

Your sandwich metaphor is really good - add to it that you’re really hungry, there’s no other food available, wouldn’t it be easier to just eat it and eat round the nasty bit? Of course you must feel sad and let down and dreading the energy it takes to uncouple. But - as they say “when he shows you who he really is, believe him the first time”. I am guilty of not doing that myself and it took many times to my cost.

I remember years ago something that Jilly Cooper said about men - she said if a stunning woman with a fantastic personality in her 40s was at a party and the men were paying her a lot of attention, the attention would stop as soon as a woman in her 20s arrived, even if the younger woman was plain and dull, the men would divert their attention to the new arrival and lose interest in the more stunning older woman. Something she had witnessed many times.

I do think also that men have unofficial competitions with each other, their ranking in the friendship group is predicated on the quality of the women they pull - with youth being the ultimate status maker, and that doesn’t abate. Women are meat to most men.

I could not go back to him after that conversation. I craved a scotch egg yesterday (don’t judge me) and gave in. Would he give into his younger woman craving in the same way? I mean, he probably wouldn’t get the opportunity, but in his head, he could. I think older women are always going to be second choice. Luckily for me, I no longer get any validation from men - I don’t crave anything about them.

Ok. The question surfacing for me here, is, if this is what we know about men, how do we respect them? How do we do that?! Genuine question.