AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

You have to buy a scotch egg.
I have a feeling a younger woman to him would have to be ‘purchased’ in some way? Because there’s no way one would be interested in him. Grim.

Personally, I don’t respect them at all. I respect that they are great at construction, and science, art and sport (but so are women, they just don’t get the same recognition) but they are also amazing at destroying things and people - whether that is war, vandalism, domestic violence, child sexual abuse. So the cons far outweigh the pros. Said earlier, once hormones leave, so does the regarde for men. Eyes get opened.

Please don't minimise his bloody awful 'comments' OP, stick with what your instinct is already telling you, that you'll never be able to forget what he's said and 1. how it made you feel, and 2. how it made you see him.

You know that he's not sorry about making the remarks, he's just upset that you are 'reacting' to him doing so?

If he actually cared about your feelings, he'd never have made either one of his offensive jibes, would he??

It just smacks of him either 'dropping his guard' accidentally before his brain caught up with his mouth, or of him purposefully trying to make you 'jealous' and worried about losing him?

Neither one of these reasons is good. They're both insulting and offensive.

I'm with your gut OP, this relationship is over for you, as there's just no excusing his remarks. He'll never, ever look the same to you again no matter how many times he 'apologises' or tries to excuse his remarks.

What's done, is done, period.

Extricating yourself won't take long as you're not married, living together or sharing finances, so it'll likely be a lot quicker and easier than you think.

It'll certainly be better than staying and keeping the 'relationship' limping along, knowing every day how he really feels while pretending you don't?

I completely agree with the hormones leaving, so does our need to put up with all the bullshittery than men can dish out. The worst thing I think sometimes, is that me and him HAD these conversations of how great it is to be our age, to have found each other with our shared values and likes and dislikes. He even has a cousin who is online dating and put his parameters for 20 year younger and he said that was ridiculous and he should be realistic. Maybe I am his 'realistic? Ok but not what he really wanted?

I will not accept the 'that's how men are, or just banter'. I have never made him feel too old, or not enough and I will not let him make me feel like that. To weigh up a good relationship - one which I didn't think I could find in my sixties and would appear to be the envy of some of my friends for the sheer attentiveness and kindness, against the fourth comment about younger women, is something that I am going to give myself time to come to terms with.

The comment is an issue. But it's the views he holds inside that are the biggest problem (that you don't know). What does he think about? I wouldn't be able to move past this.

Whatbloodysummer thanks for your reply = thoughtful and very true and you really hit the nail on the head!

That’s so so deeply offensive and a running theme. He looks at you and is settling, he wishes to be with someone he feels is more attractive. As that’s what he means by younger.

it wasn’t a stupid comment. It is what he is thinking. His true thoughts are he can’t get a younger woman, so he has to settle for you

i don’t know how you convince yourself to get past that. It will always be there,you now know the truth.

Do you think he’s trying to introduce the idea of an open relationship??

Your partner ‘craving’ any other woman - younger, older, from outer space etc - apart from you, is wrong. You deserve better. Full stop.

You said earlier that your friends think he's clingy. I would bet my house that your relationship isn't the envy of your friends. People just find it hard to say 'hey mate, your partner is a twit'

He isnt someone you can trust and you have seen the revolting lecher behind the mask. He is a creep and a dirty old man. Listen to your instincts when they tell you that this relationship has come to an end.

Urgh what a creep. I’m 45 and I can assure you that neither I nor my friends are looking at men in their 60s. Bin him - you deserve better!

Someone who actually loved you wouldn’t be saying things like that. The end. Leave before he cheats.

Time to end it I think. Either he’s genuinely wanting someone younger in which case he’s going to be constantly comparing you to younger women, ogling the younger women, and given half a chance will leave you for said younger woman. Or he’s just trying to put you down and make you feel self conscious, worthless, and constantly trying harder to be what he wants which is a control tactic used by toxic individuals and will likely get worse over time. And given his downplaying of your reaction this does seem llike a possibility, although I’m surprised you’ve not seen signs sooner than 6 years. Maybe it’s a bit of both. Either way it’s not good for you. I’d be tempted to tell him you’ve taken on board what he said about having a younger partner and you’re leaving him for a younger man. But I’d definitely be leaving. Before these comments become constant and start making you feel rubbish like they’re intended to. Because it does start affecting you eventually.

I agree. I find clinginess and neediness two extremely unattractive traits and I would never want to be with a man who was like this. If you break up with him OP it will be interesting to see what your friends really do think of him, because I suspect they'll let you know.

And he is a twit, but my god that's a nice way of putting it! He's a 60-something grandfather who has found love in later life with a great woman who he has lots in common with and he's pissed it all away for nothing, because there are no younger women beating a path to his door, nor will there be. There really is no fool like an old fool.

If people are saying he's clingy... it's possible he is deliberately trying to lower your self esteem to stop you leaving. Get rid

Absolutely not unreasonable and I bet you’re too good for him that’s why he’s trying to neg you, because you’re a catch.

He'd do the same to a younger woman to keep her in her place. I had a similar experience when I was mid 30s I had a boyfriend a few years off 50, he’d constantly make digs and try and destroy my self esteem, he’d also tell me he didn’t want a woman his own age because they are “old bags” he’d be in his 60s now and I imagine the 40 something women he considered old bags wouldn’t even look in his direction.

Ughh some men are truly vile!

Very few.

I imagine that backfires quite a lot because, men. I often see middle aged men craning their necks to look at teens and early 20s even when with their poor partners.

It’s not backfiring then isn’t it.

He might crave younger women but unless he has an absurd amount of money to attract a gold digger who will put up with someone’s grandad … for the financial benefits … younger women aren’t craving creepy perverted old men.

Stop entertaining him. Tell him to F* off.

No I suppose you’d call it dodging a bullet, daughters too, they could be at risk with a salacious perv who’s into teenagers.

I know this is a side issue, but for me the fact that he's broke would be a factor too? Why doesn't he have any money at his age? Does this mean you can't go on nice holidays etc?

What was the context of the younger woman comment? I can't imagine how he could say that and for it to make any sense!

There's no fool like an old fool eh?

The heat in France must have gone to his head. Imagine looking at your partner and saying I can understand why men crave younger women. There are no positives to take from that comment - he is looking at his same age partner and perhaps thinking I no longer find you attractive because you are now old or I have an itch that only a younger partner can assuage. Or, I just saw this amazing looking young woman and the desire for her cut through long dormant feelings that my current partner has never managed to do. What a knobhead, what a thing to say.

Someone may have already said this, but he could be projecting or deliberately negging you because he is insecure. I’m not saying this to excuse it. Just that this is what a female friend did to me in the past. I’m the type to self reflect and think, oh gosh is it me? Some Insecure people can use this to their advantage by trying to “hobble” you so you don’t notice their failings and abandon them. (Often nothing wrong with them, it’s their insecurities, rather than real failures. But the terror you won’t love them for them is real I understand). I went no contact, as they would just brush everything off as “oh I was only joking”. I came away feeling awful / doubting myself every time I spent with them.