AIBU to find a lawyer for my nephew whose pregnant girlfriend says she doesn't want him on the birth certificate?

[Hillfarmer]

My lovely 35-year old nephew is in a very stormy relationship. He and his GF already have one DC of 18 months. She is pregnant again, due August - we could debate the rights and wrongs of that until the cows come home - but we are where we are. They have just had an almighty bust-up, she's kicked him out of the house and now telling him she won't have him on the birth certificate.

He is a devoted Dad and would be devastated not to have parental rights from the get-go, but what can he do? Are there any family lawyers on here who know whether he can force her hand in some wayl? Are there any legal means he can use before the baby is born - say, get an injunction?

He is named on the birth cerficate of his first DC and of course wants to be named on the second one's birth cert. If he's not on it, I understand that it will be much more of a fight to get access etc.

Any advice welcome!

As others have said, be wary of getting too involved. We don’t know what exactly is meant by a ‘turbulent relationship’ and for all you know he isn’t exactly innocent in it all. Or maybe he is and ‘I’ll keep your name off the birth certificate’ is just a means of controlling and manipulating him. If you want to give him any advice, it would be to not give that threat any power. If she says it, he should ignore her or say ok, that’s up to you and leave it at that. Then be prepared to fight it after the birth, if that’s what she decides to do.
As others have said, a lot could happen between now and then.
If that is what happens, then he can look at getting legal advice. He can apply for parental rights, which I imagine would involved a DNA test. I don’t think much can be done right now except try to work on the relationship or discuss what co parenting might look like if they split.
I feel sorry for both these kids.

I take it you wouldn’t be incensed though if your heavily pregnant daughter was using her unborn child as a weapon and a threat? You’d also be the first to be outraged if said daughter wasn’t getting child support also.

OP do you even know why she has kicked him out? He is 35 I would leave them to it.

Regardless, unless he has been physically violent I think threatening not to put DH on a birth certificate is morally wrong. I can see why he would be distressed. However….struggling to consider he is innocent if she’s kicked him out and threatened this.

At 35 years old I am sure he can make his own enquiries into his rights.

He doesn't need his Aunty getting involved.

That’s not what’s happening here though. Of course that would be different. Unless the woman in Ops post was shagging around, there’s morning to suggest he’s not the father. But she’s threatening not to put him on the birth certificate just because she’s angry at him.

No, her nephew wants to exercise his rights as this childs father to be named on his childs birth certificate which the mother, in a hissy fit of selfishness after a barney they Both had, wants to deny him that right.

There is no right

And this is something she can do that can’t be legislated against, is the point being made

Nothing wrong with him getting legal advice and knowing what he CAN and cannot do. Apart from telling him that, stay out of it.
I completely understand him wanting to be on the birth certificate, and wanting PA but if he felt that strongly about it, he probably should have married her.

From a legal perspective there is nothing that can be done at this moment until the baby is here. In the meantime, however your nephew can give his partner a little bit of space from what is going on whilst offering to support her if and when she needs it. She is at least seven months pregnant at the moment and she is probably very stressed and very worried. None of us know exactly what has happened. Hopefully things will settle before the baby arrives and they will be able to make things work.

Once the baby is here, he has no legal parental responsibility if your DN’s name is not on the birth certificate. Mum does not have to put him on the birth certificate as they are not married. She can choose to put him on the birth certificate if she wishes. If she doesn’t, then your DN will need to see legal advice and likely go to court for parental responsibility. Your DN and baby will have a DNA test and once he is proven to be the father, he will go on the birth certificate.

Hopefully they will be able to work this out amicably before it comes to that. However, if once the baby is here and your DN is still having difficulty despite trying his best to support her then might be worth him writing to her to explain his intentions at this point.

“I am sorry it has come to this and I know you are in the post partum period but you have told me that you are not willing to put me on our child’s birth certificate. This is my child too and as such I also have a right to parental responsibility. I was hoping that we could sort this amicably but if my name does not go on my child’s birth certificate/seeing as you have not put my name on the child’s birth certificate you have left me no choice but seek legal advice to rectify this. I am informing you in advance before you receive further correspondence from my legal team”

Well there is in the sense that most people
think £300 down the drain is “wrong” for them.

Google is free. No you can't force women to name men on birth certificates. He can apply to court for parental responsibility and a judge can order the bc to be updated.

Maybe he should have got married before having kids, just a thought.

Best case is for him to just support her in any way possible during the pregnancy. Be nice to her, look after her at this vulnerable time. Not hit her with legal action?!

Yes she might be unreasonable. So might he (if you weren’t his auntie you may see both sides more clearly).

But there is a young child and an unborn baby here and THEY are most important.

Definitely don’t send this while she is pregnant!!!!

I think you need to maybe see how things settle as many words are said in anger, but perhaps question why she is being so serious in her remarks? Perhaps nephew isn’t the angel you think. This recently happened in my family and it turned out he’d been a controlling and coercive prick and wouldn’t allow the women to get support postpartum, and was undermining all of her instincts and decisions as a new mum, leading her to have a breakdown. He’s not trying to get 50 % custody but the child is breastfed and he doesn’t understand how destabilising that for a young infant.
your nephew is an adult and if he asks for help then you can support him but I’d find out what’s actually been going on.

You say in the exception of physical violence but actually I’d argue any psychological violence is also incredibly harmful.

Yes you’re right!

Yep I’d raise hell if that was my daughter.

“However, if once the baby is here…”

Regardless of his RIGHTS as to access or responsibility to the child. It is absolutely the prerogative of the ( single, unwed)mother WHO is named as FATHER, on birth certificate. No man, alive or dead, has any right to force her to do anything regarding registration of a birth. This is WHAT MARRIAGE is for. He can hire all the lawyers he wants. It will be a waste of money.

I think that’s awful. So a child grows up without a father on the birth certificate just because the mum didn’t want to?

It’s easy for the man to be added via a simple legal process

its “only” a bit of paper- it’s not like what’s on your BC has any impact on your life

It’s perfectly possible for a man to be a present father without being on the birth certificate, which is unrelated to the care security and protection he gives the child

It is childish to try to find malice where there is none. I have not quoted my nephew. If you RTFT you would realise I have not consulted him about my research here. It is useful to find out where he stands legally, since he is not married to the mother of his children. If that's meddling, then it is pretty mild meddling that I'm happy to own - virtual meddling perhaps? And family members do support each other in times of crisis...even if they are 35 years old! Saying it is 'horrible' is a tad melodramatic. Are you normally this easily shocked? Carrying out a survey of the current position and working out the balance of rights and responsibilities where the welfare of babies and small children is involved is not a vicious act.

And do you generally take figures of speech literally? Perhaps when I wrote 'force her hand' you mistakenly thought I was going to strap this poor heavily pregnant woman to a kitchen table and bend her fingers about. Do you ring 999 when someone says 'These shoes are killing me!'?

I am collecting useful information, background stuff...to be kept in my back pocket just in case. And in case of confusion, that does not mean I am keeping it in my actual back pocket - just a corner of my ipad.

Maybe English is not your first language? In that case this is understandable and I take it all back. If not, I can't help you.

It’s easy for the man to be added via a simple legal process
It's much much easier and cheaper to go to put his name on the birth certificate with the mothers approval.

Doing it through the legal route involves paying for a mediation session (a requirement before even making an application), court application, court presence, possible DNA, more court sessions, and all this taking months and costing £1,000 at best.

Why should the father have to go through all this if there is no doubt about paternity. They will automatically get PR if that's the case.

It's pure controlling, bitterness and selfishness on the mother, usually a good way to prevent the father from seeing their baby for how many months they can get away with knowing that even after the father gets contact, it will have to start slowly and supervised.

Usually done to punish the man who dared walk away from the mum even if it is not and never was their intention to walk away from the children.

@Hillfarmer if you really want to know what sort of access he will be able to have with the baby and toddler I'll give you what is deemed best practice

New born stays with mum full-time with dad visiting for an hour or two every other day at mums house with mum in the room for the 1st week or 2 and after that with mum in the house until atleast 12 weeks.
During the 1st 12 weeks visitation is just for dad no new partners/girlfriends or extended family.
12weeks to 6 months slowly build up time taking the baby out of mums for short walks until hes seeing baby for a couple of hours out of the house once or twice a week.
6 months to 18 months building up time out with dad until he has the little one all day
18 months plus building up to 1 or 2 nights a week with dad and maybe an afternoon or evening aswell.

50/50 is no longer considered best practice for children as they are often left feeling like they dont have a proper home 60/40 is the absolute maximum that he can expect and even that is not considered appropriate before age 5.
Most parents end up in a routine of every other weekend plus a midweek visit or overnight for the non resident parent as thats in the best interest of the child.

BTW if you had come on here asking what advice you could give your nephew without using language about forcing her hand and getting crt injunctions and been quite so snarky in your responses you could have gotten the answers you needed without the push back about your motives