To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

The whole group sound awful.

I have a similar friendship group and naturally some of us are closer than others, and do meet up separately as twos or threes sometimes, but there's no way we'd ever leave one of us out of an event like a 50th. It's so obviously not okay I'd think less of anyone pretending not to realise or trying to defend it.

OP, a simple question, if she didn't want you to come, why were you invited in the first place?

Is she the QUEEN of the group, and so made a big announcement about the party while you were all together, and then realised that in actual fact things were running away with her, but rather than pulling back on invites, she continued to invite other people, and then was forced to uninvite someone she'd already asked?

In your shoes I would definitely put message on the group chat, saying that as you've been uninvited for the Friday, you won't be going on the Saturday, so someone else will have to collect the cake. Then see if any of the remaining four makes contact to ask you what's going on, if not, then I'd be having a serous think about whether these people are actually friends or not.

So she wants to leave you out (the only person in the group) and then have you do her a favour- fuck that!

Do you feel you could talk to one or more other members of the group to take temperature? If it was me I wouldn’t go, but she will chat shit about you as a defence mechanism (even if in a subtle way) and if you would be bothered about being “squeezed out” of the group you want to try and get ahead of that if possible.

I’d be too busy for the cake (that’s a job for a close friend anyway) and turn up late nd leave early but be very smiley and fun whilst there. The present would be modest too.

Im so sorry she’s singling you out in this way, even if she is stressed (& if so she could have had a better convo with you about it) she’s being a bit of a cow.

Lots of responses with suggestions of bowing out. Choose one that suits your personality. In your shoes, arriving with the cake on the Saturday I’d feel like shouting “Hi! Muggins here!” Very bad for your self esteem and it looks like you don’t mind them walking all over you.
Are you invited on the Saturday just so you can pick up the cake?
Your turning down the invitation will send the message that you won’t be treated like shit.

I would pass on that.
It could be a lot of things, not least the cake pick up.

It's not nice though and I would say something has come up so just won't make it.

For me the one night would be enough, but I don't tolerate mean girl rudeness, so wouldn't bother with it.

I wouldn't give her the soot of being upset, just a short text back that you won't be able to make it after all.

No need for all the long texts, just say you’re now busy that weekend.

I had a group of friends years ago and we used to do lots together. The last 2 singles got themselves partners, lovely. This left me the only single person & I found myself excluded from outings/dinner groups - couples only. I only realised when I innocently asked one of them how their weekend went. I was hurt but it meant I never felt guilt turning down future invites where they needed bums on seats to fill a venue. I wasn’t missing out because I didn’t want to go anyway, but I would’ve made the effort before I was banished for being a spinster (30th parties). Not the same but this thread reminded me of it - I’m sure the hurt is similar. If this was me I would say thank you for the invite but I already have plans, have fun & hope to see you all soon. Avoids drama & retains friendships x

How old are the kids? Considering it involves an overnight, maybe some of the mums are a bit iffy about having a boy in a mix of girls vs only girls. Obviously it sounds like each child is with their family but you can never been 100% sure if it involves teens. They might decide to meet up in secret, sneak out or whatever.

Not only would I not pick the cake up, I would t tell them I wasn’t going to pick the cake up so that they have a last minute rush to get it.

Is everyone paying for their own accommodation or is birthday girl paying for it all? Even if she is, how much money will she save for one night of camping vs two nights?

is it just your group of 5 and families, or are there other friends/relatives/colleagues going?

I think I’d pull out of it all. Feels quite hurtful especially as they’re now using you to pick up the cake!

So the birthday woman and one other know you’re not invited until Saturday - do the others know? Or are they assuming all are invited?

Is the camping place far? Could you go for an hour? Or not worth it?

Have you been excluded because you’re reliable and will fetch the cake without making a fuss? It might be to do with your DH not being there, who knows? Do the other DHs like him? Is there a feeling that he’s a newcomer, were they close to your first husband? (Very sorry to hear that he died)

My first instinct would be to not attend, but I’m rather quick to feel hurt by these kind of things and maybe don’t give the most stable advice.

I think it would matter to me A LOT to find out who knows you’re not invited and what their response was. If they know and mostly are fine, fuck ‘em. If they don’t know, or did but put up a bit of a fight, then……🤷‍♀️.

So I think you need more information. Are you particularly close to one of them, or is there one who will tell you honestly what the real situation is?

Ugh they can get someone else to do their donkey work as cake courier. How disrespectful to uninvite you from Friday night but then still expect you to fetch and carry her cake and have to pay for camping on Saturday. I would definitely not be attending.

And this kind of juvenile insecurity is why so many Mners are friendless. They're not a 'close group of 6' -- the OP herself acknowledges she's not close to the woman having the birthday, so, like many friendship groups, they're a bunch of people some of whom are close to one another, some of whom are not. The OP happens not to be close to the woman having the birthday. Who has still invited her to her main party, but wants to restrict numbers for some reason the night before hence hasn't invited the OP to that part.

Yes, the OP matters less to her than the other group members. There's nothing particularly wrong with that. We all have various tiers of friends of differing levels of closeness. Why is it that so many Mners struggle with recognising that they're not equally important to all their friends/acquaintances? It's an entirely ordinary fact of life. She's still invited to the main party.

She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday.

I'm curious about the exact wording of the text. "Do I mind" suggests she knew this night be badly received. And did she elaborate on why she is trying to keep numbers low?

I find it hard to imagine the message being quite as blunt as "do you mind just coming on Saturday because I'm trying to keep numbers low for Friday?" but maybe I'm wrong!

I would not bother going on the Saturday night, and there would be no chance that I would pick up the cake either! Do something fun with your Children instead.

I’d post something along these lines in the group chat, “Thanks for the invite to the Saturday party. As you said you are worried about the numbers, to help I will not be attending. Have fun.”

She may as well had just not bothered about the Friday and said everyone to come for Saturday, that would have been fairer.

This is really horrible. I have realised at 53 that I am not willing to put up with this kind of shit anymore at all. My choice is often to put my energy either into existing friendships where I feel safe and wanted or put my energy into finding new people and experiences.

In your position, I would just not go and not make a big deal about it but quietly - with your self respect in tact- remember that you deserve lovely people in your life. Give it some space - say you are ill or something - do something nice.

You don’t need to blow up the friendships but just quietly don’t go and move on and decide how you want to interact with them
going forward. I have NO time for people that leave people out!

"Sorry I am now unable to attend on Saturday" is all you need to say. The cake can be someone else's problem.

@ArcanaQueen

You are hurt by this lack of caring and you have EVERY RIGHT to feel this way.

You will feel strange, as will your children, since the rest of that group already has had 24 hours together and shared experiences.

If it was me, I would not want to implode the group unless I was tired of it all, and I don't think you are. What I would do is make plans to do something fun and cool with your children that Friday and Saturday (a hotel with a pool or anything as long as it's away from home). Then just tell your "not very close friend who seems to like being close when it suits HER", that you are sorry but this opportunity came up to do something with your children on Friday and Saturday and you don't want to miss it. Wish her well and a happy birthday and then go have fun with the people who make your life happy.

If you want to be mean, you can always buy her a book on "how to treat friends well" as a BD gift (though that would go with imploding the friend group). If you want to be nice, pick her up something inexpensive or regift something you have stuck in your closet. Spend the money on your kids, they deserve it more.

It's her birthday so she can invite who she wants

I also think sometimes, and in situations like this, you have to put your self respect ahead of your desire to go and keep the peace.

Its upset you - take control of the situation and take your power back. Don’t go, don’t make a scene, do something nice, move on from it l, reflect on the friendships - I’d feel worse if I went as it’s giving her the power. Could you see another friend and do something with them instead?

You deserve nice people in your life not twats that exclude you 💐

I think I’d just not reply at all.

Leaving one person out of a group is really rude. She's publicly announcing that she likes you less than the other members, even if that's true, it's really hurtful.

Honestly, in your shoes I'd turn down the invitation. I'd possibly mention how hurt I was to be singled out, but that depends on whether you want to risk the group dynamic going forward though.

Don't post in the group chat. You'll look unhinged and you're just basically giving them gossip for the weekend.

It does sound like she is being thoughtless and assuming arriving a day late is convenient for her because it means you can pick the cake up - but that's hardly your problem, is it?

I think you have these options available to you:

• say you can't pick the cake up but you'll join for Saturday (arrive late, leave early)
• bail altogether

Which one feels best? I would give it a few days and then make a decision. She sounds pretty selfish, though - in your shoes I'd be taking a big step back from her altogether. I'm also wondering if your very recent wedding could have caused some jealousy on her end, maybe? Did she feel that all your wedding plans, hen do, and wedding day, took the focus away from her during the run up to her big birthday?

Is it just the five friends and their families attending or is it some other people as well?