To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

And you think they haven't communicated?

You’ve only been invited to the Saturday. And you’re asked to run errands too and pick up the cake?

Don’t be silly. You can’t be treated like this.

Even if she is autistic this rudeness is inexcusable.

Just make your excuses and fade away from this group.

She's been part of a close friendship group of 6 who have constantly spent time and gone on holidays together over many years

I don't agree that's lesser tier.

I think this is a public show of who matters, and it's not OP. She's being put in her place in a public way. And then asking her to be the cake gofer, that's showing her her place.

I think it's rude and pretty awful and I wouldn't be a part of that and the friendships would be over.

THIS

That's a good point. That way is assertive but you still get the party. No need to be so absolute.

Are your kids teenagers? Do parents feel they all require more supervision if there is a boy there? In other words- a group of girls can be with themselves / go for a walk/ light on supervision a mixed group not so? I know that's full of assumptions but people might think like that.

So either the host is embarrassed to ask or has delegated tasks and the other person either doesn't realise you are not invited or thinks you would be ok with it or doesn't care.

How close is your friendship? If I was a close friend I would message and say - totally understand trying to keep numbers down but TBH it feels hurtful that all the others from friendship group will be there on Friday and I'm not invited. I don't want to cause you a headache but I felt a bit blindsided by your text. I hope you have a lovely party.

Then the ball would be in her court to phone and say so sorry, come both days, or so sorry and explain in more detail. Or ignore or obfuscate. If she did the latter I would not go and see thw friendship as at an end, though would still meet with the group and be pleasant.

As she's asked you whether you mind only going on Saturday, I would be tempted to answer that entirely honestly along the lines of "Well yes, actually, I do mind. It's a bit blatant that I am the only one of our friendship group excluded on Friday, and for you to do this such a short time after taking part in my hen do and wedding feels like a bit of a slap in the face. If that's not what you intended, do feel free to explain".

At least she’s not expecting OP to make the cake, only collect it. Could be worse!
Having seen your updates, I don't think i would go. Or collect the damn cake!

I’d say you’re not available in the day to get the cake. Sod them. They aren’t very nice.

Are their others going apart from the original 6 ? Or is the just the friendship group and your the only 1 excluded

If she is ‘a little bit autistic (!!)’,

I’d ask her directly, “why was it me you chose to exclude on Friday night but not one of the others?”

I’m fully autistic and appreciate directness, rather than pointless passive hints and downright lies.

Or you could say yes to bringing the cake but have to do a sudden emergency stop and bring the cake in, in separate pieces.

i think this all sounds crap and if you’re gut reaction thinks you should really have been with the other 4 from the group, then it does sound like you’ve been treated weirdly. I’d definitely be talking to the other 4 and see if they can shed light on it.

Not unreasonable at all. It’s so rude and hurtful.

What did you reply? I think I would have spent hours trying to think of what to say to that!

There are other people coming too I think. Chances everyone has girls is a bit slim.

Agree with this. This is a great reply and gets your point across without drama.

Although it is very tempting to skip the whole thing, that way is sadly likely to you losing the whole friend group.

Hate to hear these kind of thoughtless situations. I would suggest a less dramatic but equally effective response:

”Oh, ok. Thanks for letting me know. Should be a great celebration! 🎉 🍾 🎂 🎈”

Then don’t say anything else to anyone but don’t turn up. That Way you won’t spoil the party and be forever remembered as flouncing the group, throwing a strop, or guilt-tripping the Friday Four.

If you’re asked about collecting the cake, say that you can’t.

If / when AFTER the party, you’re asked why you didn’t attend, be honest at that point and say you were disappointed to learn that the friends were seemingly ok with you being sidelined for the birthday celebration, as you thought you had mutual group friendships. On learning otherwise, you didn’t want to raise it beforehand as you didn’t want to detract from their plans and celebrations. Then say that you value all their friendships and cannot imagine a scenario where you would be ok with anyone in the group being sidelined, but this shift means that you’d prefer to spend time differently going forward and not as one group.

That way you’re being true to yourself, honest with the group and means you still leave the door open for the friendships that you wish. The true friends will understand and reflect on their part in the change, and you’ll have dealt with things in a way that’s fair and doesn’t create space for them to deflect and blame you.

I might pick up the cake.

And then again I might accidentally drop it…..

Actually the picking up the cake would be the decider for me, if I were not good enough company for Friday I would not be good enough to be a cake courier.

I think this is good.

No she can't do that because they'll all call her rude for ghosting and blame her for the fact there's no cake. She'll be walking right into the role of villain.

OP as the first poster said, this has put you in an impossible and very unfair position and there's no right way to go about this. Any response, or lack of response from you will change the dynamic of the group permanently anyway and that's not your fault. All you can do is the thing that will make you feel the least shit.

You could suck up the insult and join on Saturday but with the unspoken knowledge that you are considered a second-tier friend. Or you could be honest with her, and say that you find it hurtful to be the only one of your group who's excluded from Friday and it's made you feel differently about coming on the Saturday.

Still don’t even know what kind of cake it is.

exasperated

I have this done to me many times i now dont have any close friends at all now i dont go to weddings or birthday parties they cause me more grief and upset honestly some people especially women can be mean and nasty i would stay at home with your family dont worry about them it is painful being left out but its their problem and not yours

Turn up and you’re effectively say it’s ok to treat you as ‘lesser’. Don’t turn up and you might be forever sidelined. If your friend is autistic and doesn’t see how she is subtly excluding you, I guess it’s forgivable but is she? Because anyone with an ounce of intelligence would see that this is really shit. Either way, I don’t see how the friendship can recover. It’s particularly galling that she was invited to a small hen do/wedding.

Has nobody from the wider group reached out, given they must know as you’ve been asked to pick up the cake (fuck that for a lark!) or is that just expedient of the asker? I’d be really pissed off if nobody else has gone gone ‘Hang on, OP has been excluded from Friday!’

What a nerve! You’re good enough to bring the cake but not enough to be invited to the whole event? No no no!