To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

But that's just playing games. The 'friend' is playing games and the OP should just tell the truth about her feelings. Otherwise it's just a big mess. And the others in the group should also know the truth so there are no misunderstandings. The 'friend' might try to make out that the OP didn't want to go.

That’s a brazen and pointed snub and I’d be hurt by that. I wouldn’t go to either night and would be rethinking my ‘membership’ of this friendship gang that is so up itself it has a strong identity. I’m in my fifties and this kind of group seems a bit childish, at best.

But then I'm autistic so maybe my way of not playing games and being passive aggressive is pathologically wrong :/

And she's got some nerve asking you to pick up the cake. Bloody hell.

That's a factor

I would still go on the Saturday night - why should you slink away because she doesn't value you? I'm not sure how I would respond to her text tbh - maybe "well I'm not going to pretend it doesn't sting a bit but of course I will be there on the Saturday night - I'm looking forward to it". That lets her know you're not going to make a big fuss but you're also not going to let her dent your self esteem.

To be honest, these extended birthdays/hen week-ends etc are tiresome. A part of me would be hurt by this but another part would be thinking thank god I haven't got two nights of this.

I really agree with this OP. You know a few reasons why she might have done it this way, all the 5’s kids are girls, the dads will be there for Friday etc. And you think organising the thing is probably very tough for her.

It gets harder to keep friends as we get older. Just hold your head high and enjoy the event.

Yep - I just have zero tolerance for this shitty behaviour. Not worth it.

I'm speechless ... my jaw actually dropped when you said they offered you a 'spare bed' 10 years later for her 50th after that awful behaviour on her part.

This would be a friendship ending deal.

No fucking way would I be bringing cake to someone who considers you a lesser friend or giving them a gift or anything at all. Just tell the person who asked you to pick up the cake you're not their gofer.

I wouldn't go at all. She's making a public point that you're less than and I wouldn't show up for that in any way. The others are going along with that.

If only being invited to one night of a two-night weekend party takes away the OP’s ‘dignity’ and ‘self/esteem’, then she has more issues than her social life. And ‘they’ don’t view her in any way. One person in the group she’s acknowledged she’s not close to has invited her for the ‘main’ party, not the night before. There’s no evidence the rest of the group are t genuinely fond of the OP. Only on Mn, with people who have never outgrown childhood friendship insecurities, would there be a demand for those friends to boycott the entire weekend.

There’s nothing wrong with considering someone a lesser friend, though. We all have them. People we only see because we have friends in common, or who are perfectly fine in collective situations but sh we’d never both seeing one on one. . It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them, just that we prefer other people. The OP knew this woman didn’t consider her a close friend.

I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t explain just send a short message and not discuss it. People will try and twist it as you are being unreasonable.
Excluding one person from an established group isn’t keeping numbers down at all. Even with your DH/children it’s not making a massive difference overall. If 4 other friends, children, partners, other people and their families are coming, you aren’t making a huge difference. Instead you’ve been singled out.

I’d be hurt too…….and I’d be very unavailable for the Saturday night actually!

Yes its fine to have friends who are part of an extended group and you wouldnt possibly spend time one-to-one but there are only 6 in this group, all the others are going and she came to the OPs small hen and wedding not that long ago!! Even common decency would dictate not leaving her out!!

I think this is wise advice

MN is full of keyboard warriors encouraging folk to cut off their friends. Also, full of people who struggle with friendships / have few friends. Go figure

IRL, most of us have been in your shoes. It's upsetting to realise we regard someone as a v close friend and they don't view the friendship quite the same. I've had this a few times eg not asked ho be bridesmaid, not in a group of 6 permitted by Covid etc

My advice is (1) don't burn your bridges (2) stay friends but recalibrate a bit in your own head (3) match their energy and (4) enjoy the friendship for what it is, not what you'd like it to be

OP I would be suddenly unavailable. And there’s nothing to lose now by being honest with the ‘friend’ as the whole group is now tainted. “Actually Susan on second thoughts, I am going to bow out of the whole thing. Feeling pretty embarrassed about being the only one of the 6 of us to not be coming to both nights so will organise something else for me and the kids to do. Hope you have a nice time and managed to organise getting the cake”.

I would turn down the invite.

I would text her to the effect that you wont be attending at all and then block her. I wouldnt put up with being treated like that. Stuff her. Life is too short to put up with petty bitches like her

The OP chose to invite her to her hen and wedding, though. That speaks about how she views the other woman, and/or or suggests that the group plays a much more central part in her social life than it does in the birthday friends. It doesn’t magically move her ahead of other people the birthday person would prefer to invite for the Friday. It is an ordinary, if uncomfortable fact of life that feelings are not always reciprocated to the same degree. We’ve all fancied someone who didn’t fancy us back, or asked someone for coffee who said no. We all have a friendship or two where we know it’s a much bigger deal for them than for us. The birthday woman likes the OP enough to invite her to the main party, but there are people she’d prefer to have there for the smaller gathering the night before.

She has done this purely so you can collect the cake on the Friday.

No, the OP was asked by one of the others to pick up the cake. Not the host of the party.

The absolute cheek.

How did you find out about the Friday night thing?

I would be really hurt by this.

Sorry, X, I have just found out that all of our friend group have been invited to spend Friday night celebrating with you except me, yet I’ve been asked to bring the cake on my way on the Saturday! I feel rather hurt that you’ve invited 5/6 of us to be honest. I will give the Saturday a miss, I hope you have fun.

I’d just say, oh there was actually something else we wanted to go to that weekend but we put it off because of your special celebration. But as you aren’t too bothered about us being there we will go with our original plans.

And pick up your own fucking cake.