To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

You really think people who have invited this woman to celebrate weddings, birthdays and hen dos etc because she is part of the friendship group and now find that every other person in the friendship group has been invited to celebrate her birthday over 2 day and they are only invited on the 2nd day are going to shrug their shoulders and be happy to be used for what ever errand the birthday girl deems necessary.

I would not commit to anything then go away with your dc and have a great time.

Tell her via text that as she is struggling and don’t want to add to her struggles you have decided to stay away. Dont mention the cake.

Then block her and the rest of your friendship group.

Then look up how to do a rain dance over where they are going.

Camping in summer weather is one thing

Trudging around in mud and rain is quite snother

"Of course I can pick up the cake!"

And take it home and eat it with my kids while you all have your stupid party 🤣

I think that’s fair. Especially as the hosting friend clearly has lots of different friendship groups so one individual she’s not close to in one group among many just isn’t going to register. The OP is clearly far more reliant in this single group and feels being the one of six being snubbed acutely, but from the host’s POV, she’s not only not inviting X from the OP’s group for Friday, she’s also not inviting Y and Z from her choir, not inviting A and B from her sea swimming group etc etc. She’s going through all her groups and not inviting the people she’s least close to from each setting.

I mean tbh I'd decline simply on the basis that camping for one night is really fucking irritating.

I think if you’ve attended a 10 person hen night and the subsequent wedding you’d assume they considered you a good friend.

I wonder how it would have gone down if the Op had excluded her from those events or gave an evening invitation only.

ETA the birthday woman was very happy to accept the OP’s hosting when it suited her to be included.

With each update she sounds worse. Seriously consider not going. Not only excluding you, but your children. If you go on Saturday your children will no doubt have to hear about the fun the others had on Friday night. As will yiu from the rest of the friend group.
To deliberately exclude someone and make it obvious is cruel and heartless. Presumably the rest of the group are aware and agree by asking you to pick the cake up. This suggests other discussions taking place from which you have been excluded, very disrespectful.
It would be a hard no from me.

This. It is such a clear cut example of unkindness and exclusion. And to ask OP to do a chore the next day. Awful.

Good grief what a lot silly waffle that comes across as being grateful for crumbs from the top table.

I have to wonder at the personality type who makes their own celebration an opportunity to show their dislike of someone.

"Oops, it fell of the seat when I had to break heavily for a squirrel. I'm sure it still tastes the same when you've scraped it off the box it came in"

Mn is so funny and schizoid about hens and weddings. Posters often behave as if they are doing someone a massive favour by attending their hen or wedding (expense, distance, time off, outfits) and yet get terribly hurt if they aren’t invited.

I would say myself that if the OP had ten people at her hen, and six of them were this group, which includes someone she acknowledges she’s not close to, then this group is her main or only friendship group, therefore she’s obviously more dependent on it than the birthday woman is.

With all your updates, I think a text to group:

‘Apologies all. Unable to come on Saturday/x date. Hope you all have a great weekend, though’. Then leave the chat group.

Done. No excuses offered, direct reference to the fact it’s a weekend thing for all the others, and leaving the group makes clear that you’ve understood where you stand and closes the door to discussion.

I think if you are the only one of the 6 not invited on the Friday that’s mean. I would go on the Saturday but would say 8 can’t pick up the cake

then I would look to do something similar and exclude her on one night

Op I’m not normally an over-reactor when it comes to this kind of stuff but this is truly awful, reminiscent of playground stuff.

I think her actions speak loudly. I would politely decline the Saturday night too.

if I were one of the Friday nighters, I would not have allowed this to happen. So it’s on them too.

and fuck cake collection, just no.

Or just a sensible acknowledgement that you and the host/bride aren’t close, and that you’re more of an acquaintance than a friend, and only really see one another just because you’re in the same group with others she’s properly close to.

I mean, I get that this might be devastating if the OP thought she and the host were close, but she didn’t.

Respectfully, this the definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face. The OP is clearly very socially dependent on this group, which includes people she is closer to than the host. Why would she throw a giant tantrum and cut herself off from the majority of the people who attended her hen and clearly constitute her closest friends?

I'm beyond shocked that she's asked you to collect the cake on Saturday whilst they're all at the glamping site having fun and having been there together since Friday.
OMFG.
Unreal.
Actually unreal.
I'm 50 too OP, and I'm holding my head in disbelief at everything you've told us.

Respectfully - how? If the alternative is to be the person no-one wanted or the host didn’t like enough to invite on the Friday night - so you’ve been offered a consolatory invite to the second night - why should she be grateful?

The balance of the group has clearly changed since OP’s first DH died and hasn’t recalibrated to allow for the new DH. Things change. She should stop wasting her time on these petty people (and they are ALL petty as I would NOT have been willing to go on the Friday night knowing one of the 6 of us were excluded). She deserves better.

She sounds socially clueless. These events should be about building friendships, not upsetting people.

I has a friend at university who liked to curate her friendship group so much that she always did two different events for her birthday. Some people would be invited to one of these and some to both. She thought none of us knew but we all did and would speculate on why she did it. Sometimes it was to eliminate any competition when she fancied a guy and that obviously upset anyone who was invited, but sometimes she only wanted the ones she deemed 'cool' enough and that upset people not invited. Obviously loads of people couldn't be bothered with any of it and she ended up just annoying everyone.

It’s a second-tier invite for a second-tier friend. They’re not close. The OP acknowledges that herself. In any semi/large friendship group there will be people who only see one another because they’re in the group with others they’re genuinely fond of. It’s not a reception class party with the rule of either inviting everyone or no k e.

Just type in the group chat, “ as my invitation is only for the Saturday, I’ve decided to take the DC away for the weekend, and won’t be able to come on the Friday.”
if you haven’t actually promised to pick up the cake, don’t mention it. You can think about how you feel about the group later on, after you’ve seen how others have replied to your chat.

At what cost though?

Sometimes you do just have to take a stand and stick up for yourself, even it it does mean losing a "friendship group" that appears (as it's one of the other 4 who's asked re the cake) to view OP as part of the B team.

Walking away with dignity and your self esteem intact may ultimately serve you and your MH better than remaining in the group whilst knowing how they view you.

This is a great idea. It's not rude or petulant. Its also gives you some breathing space to think about how you want to go forward

I agree with your philosophy, but in a friendship group of six, if you consider four tier one and one tier two, I think the kinder thing to do at a tiered event is to treat every equally to avoid singling out.

This is silly. You've extended your argument so far that its become nonsense.

They regularly holiday together in a group of 6 (not 36, it's not a large group).
She attended the Op's small hen party and wedding.
They may not be best friends but they are clearly in close enough and they have a long history of socialising & holidaying as a group of 6.
Indeed close enough to be asked to collect the cake.

Being confused at the limited invitation is a normal response.
The Op will need to recalibrate. Its not the end of the world and I'm sure something can be salvaged after some thought on her part.
But don't insist the Op is outright ridiculous for feeling as she does.