To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

I wonder what the cake is like.

craving cake now.

I think this is the case, but the OP doesn’t see the friendship in same way. I wrote in an earlier post how I had similar experience years ago. The OP has also said that the host struggles with big events like this and thinks she might be autistic. That could explain why it’s been delivered in such a black and white way. The OP hasn’t explained anything about the group, how they came to be friends or how she and the host know each other. What is clear is that the OP sees the friendship as closer and more significant that the host does. And it hurts when you realise that isn’t the case.
Id be very pissed off by the request of one of the other Friday nighters to pick up the cake, that’s hugely insensitive.

Her friendship group is 5 not 6

what a horrible woman though, I’d maybe not go at all

This.
I wouldn't go on the Saturday purely as a way of protecting my DC.
How horrible for your DC, to have to experience being uninvited to half the event, knowing all the other kids were there having fun the night before and Saturday morning whilst they're only invited to the second half of the celebrations.
My DC are teenagers and I couldn't force them through this.
My God, this woman is not a friend. Sorry.
@ArcanaQueen send her this thread!!!!!
I wish I knew her because I'D send her this thread!!
And that's another thing - why aren't any of your other friends who are going to the whole event enraged on your part?! If I was invited to a 2 day glamping birthday celebration and I knew one of my friends and her kids was only invited to join on the second day, I couldn't stand by and not say anything. Seriously, I would have to speak out on this to the birthday woman, to the other guests and to you. I genuinely couldn't not challenge this. So what are your other friends saying about it?

🎂<= this is all she'd get from me.

I AM NOT OCADO 😁

This sort of thing is very hurtful. My mum used to have a few friends like this, and they never stopped being shitty and my mum never stopped being hurt. They didn't come to her funeral and I was glad, because they would have been shitty then too.

In my view, it's not worth having unkind friends like these. These aren't who you should hang onto, and when you ditch them, you have space to find new people who are lovely. Get rid of the crap, welcome the great.

In your shoes, I wouldn't go now. Leave them to it, without making a scene. Just a sorry, can't go. The kind ones who reach out are worth keeping.

That doesn't even make sense!

"I've only been invited for the Saturday but being busy is why I won't be there on Friday" 🤔

This is the reason I’m not particularly ‘close’ to any of my friends. Couldn’t be bothered with it all. If I was you, I wouldn’t go at all.

This is what I’d say but I can be quite petty!

😂me all the time!
I live in the land of patisseries and macarons and I don't like any of the cakes, all I want is a Victoria sponge with buttercream and jam!

How horrible for your DC, to have to experience being uninvited to half the event, knowing all the other kids were there having fun the night before and Saturday morning whilst they're only invited to the second half of the celebrations.

This is a touch dramatic.

Blimey.

You are quite scathing and superior when talking about OP. You have used the fact that OP invited 10 friends to her hen do which included all the women in this friendship group to indicate that OP doesn't have many close friends and should be grateful to even be invited to part of this woman's 50th celebrations.

As this was OP's second marriage after the death of her first husband, I would assume a big raucous hen-do would be misplaced and a bit tacky. I bet that if OP hadn't invited this woman to the hen-do or the wedding but invited all the others, this woman would have been very upset and offended.

Telling OP that she is a second-tier friend, unlike all the first-tier friends in this friendship group is a pretty horrible thing to say to OP who is quite upset.

I'm sorry, OP, this must be really hurtful.

I had a comparable situation, and the friendship never recovered. We were invited to the 40th birthday celebration of an old uni friend of mine in a huge, posh Airbnb in a remote location, which was a struggle to attend but I left our 2 unruly toddlers at home with DH and drove the 4 hours with my newborn who I knew wouldn't cause any hassle.Took lots of food and drinks as requested, and obviously a nice present for the birthday girl, went to the slightly eccentric pot-luck dinner, and stayed up as late as I could manage for drinks and games in my baby-addled state. The next day I got up early and helped out with tidying up and preparing breakfast for the party household. It was a relaxed, slightly chaotic all-hands-on-deck vibe.

Then, as I was preparing to leave, the A list guests began to arrive, in elaborate fancy dress. The real party, with posh catered dinner, sound system and DJ, was that night and the B list guests were being chucked out to make room for more interesting/highly valued friends.

The sad irony is that I wouldn't even have minded if she had explained the plan in advance, E.g "look Sunshine, we are doing this over 2 nights and the Saturday might be a bit full on for people with small kids - would you be happy just to come to the chilled out part on the Friday?" but I felt I had been misled and the whole thing showed that she wasn't as good a friend as I had thought - or at least, I was not as important to her as she had been to me.

There was an "honesty box" complete with card reader positioned at the front door, with a retrospective request for contributions to costs, but I declined. The implication that it would be somehow dishonest of me not to pay was almost more offensive than the B list thing! The whole experience left a sour taste and fundamentally changed how I saw my old friend. *

In your shoes I would decline the Saturday invitation - no need for drama or confrontation, just a "something's come up". The party will be tainted by the way your friend has treated you, and being expected to fetch and carry would really rankle with me.

*Postscript: exactly 10 years later, I get a message from her partner "We have a few spare beds left for X's 50th in Another Remote Location this weekend- do you guys want to come?"

Um...

Damn this is a good response

I’d be curious as to what the other four friends think about you being left out

Thanks for the invite for Saturday but it's not worth the hassle for just one night so I will leave it this time. Have fun.

This keeps things open if you wish to continue with this friendship group. Although I doubt you will feel the same about them from now on.

Then to cake requester - I now have other plans. I cannot collect your cake. (No sorry, apologies. Cf should not have asked in the first place).

And if possible do something nice with your dc.

Agreed only the glamping might not actually be fun imho especially if its in a heatwave orif it pours down. One night would be easily be enough for me but that’s not the point

HRTFT but @ArcanaQueen have you considered asking her why?

Could the Saturday thing be entirely about the cake?
I mean - did she realise too late that Friday plan meant everyone who might help would be away and couldn't pick up.the cake?
Is the cake shop nearest to you by any chance?
What would the plan be if you didn't pick up the cake?

Is there a list of tasks for the friends re preparations and have they bagged jobs?

Might explain why they are silent?
Maybe I'm overthinking.

It literally says it in the OP - the reason given is to "keep the numbers down"

This. I wouldn't go at all.

I was once on the 'included' side when a 'friend' unnecessarily left two other friends out (I believe as a kind of power play). It told me all I needed to know about the excluder and we are no longer in touch (there were weird things too). OP you may find the others feel similarly.

I love this!

That request would have been met by me with one of two answers:

• 'Rub it in, why don't you!'
• 'Is that why I'm not invited for Friday, because I'm the Errand Girl?'

I know this request was made by "One of the other Friday nighters" and not the birthday girl, but it would have originated from her.

I find myself wondering where the other four stand in all this (six friends - you, birthday girl and four others). At least one of them knows you are not invited for Friday - do they all know? What do they think of that? Have none of them been in touch privately?

No, that request just changes the whole thing, doesn't it? Good enough for Saturday but not Friday. Good enough to run errands but not good enough to treat with a modicum of respect.

I would gracefully bow out of the whole shebang. Or possibly ungracefully. But this whole thing would leave a very sour taste and change how I view these five women. The dynamic has now shifted, and by their hands.