Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I think the family flowers only is because most people get cremated nowadays and there is no plot to put the flowers - so what do you do with them afterwards. We took ours back to the local church and left them in their garden. My uncle died 4 years ago and he was buried so all the flowers (he had a lot of siblings) were laid on his newly filled grave.

If it is a close friend and I am unable to attend, I text to say something like 'thinking of you today, hope all goes smoothly'. Why is that odd?

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mum last year, and received a single card, from my old work colleagues. Everyone else simply "said" how sorry they were, verbally, when I saw them. None of "my" friends attended the service. But my father received a lot of cards, and the service was very well attended, by the people who actually knew HER. Personally, i would be unlikely to attend a service for someone that I didn't actually know, especially if it wasn't "local" to me. Possibly if a friend specifically requested that I did, to support "them", but for the most part, I'd assume (maybe wrongly) that they'd prefer to spend the time with those who knew and mourned the loss of that person.
I don't know how you're feeling now, but for lots of reasons, I decided that counselling might help me deal with the loss of my mother, and it really did.

I am an Independent Civil Celebrant and, from experience, people don't tend to send flowers these days. There is usually a website or QR code on the back page of the Order of Service, so mourners can make a donation to charity in the deceased person's memory. Likewise with cards, it tends to be a generational thing and many people send texts or e mails to express their condolences. I am sorry you're upset by the lack of response but I hope you're coping. I am training as a Grief Counsellor, which I'm hoping will help people process their feelings. Happy to have a chat if you feel it would help 👍❤️

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It's not the norm to send cards and flowers nowadays, texting is the norm. Doing more is a charitable donation in the name of the deceased.

Last Christmas a workman at our house looked at the cards and said, “Christmas cards? Is that really still a thing?”
I think it’s the same with sympathy cards, becoming increasingly rare. I’d take text messages as well intentioned messages of support in modern times.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a condolence card in front of me, so I am one of those people who sends cards, obviously. I also messaged the intended recipient.

When my sister died I don't recall getting a single card, with my father maybe one? Not sure now.

I don't do funeral flowers and I'd rather send some happy flowers (like sunflowers) to the bereaved person. By happy I mean without funereal connotations.

But we are losing whatever funeral traditions we once had. Which is sad.

I wouldnt dream of sending flowers or a card. The idea of being surrounded by reminders of a death are awful. I think unless very close, people would feel they were intruding with a a call. Texts are perfectly reasonable and polite as they let the person respond in their own time.

Is he still your bf??

My parents died quite recently. I’m not sure if I can remember receiving any cards. It’s quite a dated tradition nowadays. I did get lots of texts from friends and flowers and plants. Funeral flowers are not something people do beyond the immediate family, imo. I actually think it’s quite inappropriate to arrange funeral flowers unless you’ve been asked to do so.

Many funerals I have attended in recent years have specifically asked for no flowers (other than family ones).

I think this is increasingly becoming the norm.
But I do understand why you are upset not to have heard anything from your one close friend

It’s not reminders of death, it’s an acknowledgment. You don’t forget you’ve lost a parent just because there are flowers or cards to remind you. But visual cues do remind you that you’re not alone. People say they wouldn’t make a phone call because it’s “intrusive”. I would have loved the phone to ring! People don’t ring because they feel awkward and don’t know what to say, not because it’s intrusive.

I never felt lonelier than I did after the death of a parent. Luckily I had DH but apart from one friend nobody bothered with any support other than a short text. It really made me re-evaluate my friendships.

My mum died very unexpectedly 4 years ago and my MIL and SIL completely ignored it. No acknowledgement at all, card, call or text, yet woe betide us if we didn’t send MIL an appropriate card for every occasion. I’ve never forgiven them. Just showed what nasty people they were. Sending you a hug x

Best friend sorry, not boyfriend.

I specifically said no cards or flowers when ds died. We had no flowers at all at the cremation which was private.
I don't send cards to anyone, whatever the occasion.

I can understand your disappointment, it’s very hurtful. When my best friend’s MIL and FIL died, I sent a card, gift and attended both funerals. When my amazing MIL passed away last year, my mum, stepdad, best friend and her husband attended the funeral and were very supportive.

Most funerals these days are family flowers only, most people put that on the notice anyway and I think the idea that anyone outside of the family contributes any flowers is not the norm anymore. Most people have a collection for a charity instead. My grandparents both died over 10 year ago and back then it was family flowers only and a collection for cancer research. Every funeral I’ve been to over the past fifteen years has been the same.

My close friend’s Dad died recently, I didn’t send a card but did have lots of WhatsApp conversations with her and went to the funeral.

I think I’d give grace to the friends who texted, as at least they acknowledged it. The friend who completely ignored it has just shown you who she is. For me, that would be it. Friend no longer. And now you know you’ve got a lovely new friend.

‘A friend in need is a friend indeed.’ is a motto I find to be true.

Regarding flowers, I don’t think that’s particularly done any more, in my experience. Sorry for your loss.

I think that's normal... Was same when both my parents died... Grief is a personal thing...people are letting you get on with it. When my dad died I took the week off and mostly was just me and my brother and sister... I didn't get any cards or anything and I didn't need that as it was about me and my siblings... No one else. And I don't agree with wasting money on flowers so absolutely fine with no one giving them.

We had a few flowers at MIL's funeral - the problem became what to do with them. FIL, DH and SIL all took some each. Then what? We had to leave ours outside until they died. There is no room for them afterwards.

Your MIL sounds unthinking but it doesn't mean everyone who doesn't send flowers/a card doesn't care.

A friend of mine lost her dad and I sent her lots of messages (in conversation) etc. Now I look back and feel embarrassed I didn't send a card. It just didn't occur to me at the time.

Not all of us! I do both…….and I message the bereaved from time to time endorsing support and reminding them that I do care, keeping them in my thoughts and available to help at any time they need me.

When I lost my mum before Christmas I did get some cards and flowers from various people. I am 60 though and having read this thread I can see that cards and some traditions are dying out amongst younger people and they might send a text instead.

What I have found odd though is no one thinks to ask about how I’m feeling or even acknowledge I lost my mum. It’s like it happened, end of to everyone else. People didn’t think to acknowledge that Christmas wouldn’t be the same for example. I accept it though and wouldn’t think badly of anyone because of it. Maybe it doesn’t occur to them or they feel awkward.

I’m really surprised by the amount of people saying this is ok. Such a lack of etiquette and thought from your friend and MIL. I would be incredibly hurt too. Tell them how you feel. As I get older, I use my voice more. Too often in life, we never communicate it to the people who hurt us and they never know a thing about it.

What an unpleasant way of looking at it.

I got a couple of cards, and to be honest I hated them. I didn't want a reminder of my bereavement sitting on the mantle piece. It was kind of people to think of me, but I much preferred a text.

But to those saying that a text is just as good, how can it be? Our Mum died in April and my brother and sister may have received texts, but didn't share them if so.
On the other hand we got a lot of cards and we all read them and laughed and cried together at the messages and memories that people included.
And not all the cards were from people her own age, or even ours, some were from younger friends.
Perhaps it'd the difference between people who actually knew the deceased and those who only know of them through you?