Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I have to say I always send a card, but flowers have become something most people ( outside of immediate family ) no longer want - so I donate to a charity of their choice instead. But I do think its hurful if people dont bothet and I always remember thise that do bother and offer support and go to the funeral etc.

The only time I send flowers to a funeral is if it is someone close but I cannot attend, such as my aunts/uncles in Canada. It was the same at my parents funerals, flowers were only from those who were close/related but couldn’t attend.

I also never received or expected sympathy cards when either parent died. My mum received a lot when dad died.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost mine a few years ago and it is very hard. Few people send flowers or cards these days. I’m in my 50s and haven’t bought or sent a card in years, certainly not since the kids left primary school almost a decade ago. I just don’t think it’s really a thing these days. Even my 83 year old mum messages or video calls and sends birthday money via a bank transfer these days.

Also I have been to a number of funerals in my life and I'm holding it together until the beautiful flowers arriving floor me every time. I love them but can also understand why people say no flowers. I was sent so many sympathy flowers before the funeral when when my mum died I ran out of vases.

And Royal Mail probably loses about 75% of cards posted anyway.....

The problem with loss is that people want different things and sometimes people will do the wrong thing whilst trying to do the right thing.

Charity donations are far more common than flowers now. Funeral flowers are hugely expensive, and they’re left to wilt and die.

When I lost my dad I didn’t get any cards, when my husband died I got lots but I didn’t want them as I found reading them hugely upsetting.

We’re all different in the way we deal with death and grief. Try not to take its personally. I’m very sorry for your loss.

I’m in my 70s, and would always prefer a text to a card - whether received or sent. I would always make a donation to charity instead of sending flowers. I would very much hope that friends and relatives respond in the same way when my time comes.

I would text rather than send a card. I’d probably put a card through a neighbours door or work friend that I didn't know so well, but a friend I think a text is better.
I wouldn't send flowers either - virtually every funeral says family flowers only and I’d presume that was the case. I’d rather donate to whatever charity they are collecting for.
I think too, when the person is elderly it’s the natural order of things and people rightly or wrongly expect you to take it in your stride.

Im sorry for your loss. You are seeing this through the filter of grief.
In the modern world text contact has replaced cards and letters. I regret the loss of that tangiable response. But, in the eyes of the people who texted their sentiments are in the text message.
Flowers often limited to family in modern times or donations to charities.
Feeling let down is understandable in grief later you may view this differently.

I have never in my life heard of wishing someone luck for a funeral, I find that really odd.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry. It's very sad that a serious bereavement tends to show who is really there for you in your life - and who isnt. I've had some pleasant surprises in the category of the former and some real disappointments in the latter.

Cards are falling out of favour these days but a lack of even an acknowledgement or simple 'I'm sorry' must hurt. After certain in-laws' behaviour following the death of my mother, my relationship with them never recovered.

I'm sorry about the death of your father.

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost both parents so I know how difficult it is.

That said, I would personally feel extremely uncomfortable ordering a flower wreath for a friend's parent's funeral. It feels like completely overstepping boundaries (it feels like something family should do) and it's not something I think I would do (nor did anyone do it for my parents at their funerals).

People should of course reach out to you but I think as long as they did it via text or somehow I am not sure why it's vital it has to be a card. As PP have said, cards are really on the decline now that we have other communication methods. Its the fact they are supporting you thats important

It isn’t the same though somehow.

I do both

As someone who lost my mum in their 20s, no, it's not the same. I would have loved to have had my mum until she was in her 80s. She never got to meet my children (her grandchildren) and she never got to see me get married which is the sadness of my life.

Of course, I am not saying losing a parent in their 80s isnt immensely painful, it is, but its not remotely the same as losing them really prematurely.

I had no idea people sent flowers for a funeral! I've been to a few family members funerals and the only flowers are the ones arranged with the funeral parlour and paid for as part of the funeral costs.
I'm sorry for your loss OP, hopefully you can see by most of these comments its not the norm to expect flowers or cards these days, I would find it lovely if a friend text me before a funeral, I've done it myself to my friends to show them I am thinking of them.

You’re not being unreasonable, people are slack and rude. A card or letter should be sent. I wouldn’t send flowers as most funerals as family flowers only. But I think cards/letters of condolence are usually valued and I will be bringing my kid up to do the same.

Hardly anybody sends sympathy cards these days. And very often only close family give flowers. Your friends will probably leave it a week or two and then ring up to see how you are. Thst's what I would probably do.

I find it quite odd to expect such a fuss (im 41). When my auntie passed a couple of years ago the only flowers were from her two brothers, her son & her daughter. As a younger person Ive only been to four funerals and am not even aware of any tradition/obligation for anyone beyond immediate family to send flowers.

I don’t think this is entirely true. My dad died earlier this year, and my Mum was sent at least 60-70 cards, and I probably had 20. I would always send a cards for a bereavement, even if I’d sent a text too.

I dont see it as any different? I see cards as wasteful, both financially and in terms of the environmental impact to both produce & deliver.

Thats all well and good until the text sender loses a parent and then realises that everyone surrounding them is a lazy self centered jackass that can't even spend 59p on a card to send to a friend that is in mourning. Mind you that self centered twat probably won't care that their parent has died, they will only be interested in how much they will inherit.

I have lost a parent, young. I did not mind texts at all. Older people sent cards, younger people sent texts. Either way I appreciated their condolences.

Your last sentence is vile. Says more about you than anyone who doesn’t send a card.

And you wouldn't be bothered if god forbid you lost a child and everyone ignored the fact ? After all it is just fuss. I think you are in for a shock one day and your words will come back to haunt you.

I think it’s actually horrific that your MIL and friends didn’t send cards or flowers. And your updates about MIL made me angry on your behalf.

And I'm in my 30s and still send flowers and cards for these kinds of things.

Im really sorry for your loss.