Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I'm from the NE and every funeral I've been to has specifically stated 'Family flowers only' in the notice and donations to 'x charity for the collection plate'.

I would never take flowers to a funeral, I'd always make sure I had money for the collection plate though.

It's a good age but it can still be unexpected which is what you said. Not everyone is in a decline and waiting to die beyond 80.

And regardless of age, it's still your parent. But it sounds like people have reached out to op, just not in thr way she wanted. It can be a really hard part of grief that everyone grieves differently and therefore it's hard to support others and often hard to feel supported.

I always send a card to the family when someone has died.

Sorry that you have lost your Father.
Is some of the upset to do with the quick way you cleared his house. You didn't have time to just think and relive your memories. You had to tidy him away. Please spend quiet time by yourself over the next few weeks.
Also be aware that you will go through this grief again in 12 months time.

I am sorry for your loss. My son died last year and one family member sent me a card and flowers. No-one sent flowers for the funeral.
I think cards have stopped, just like Christmas cards, as we can all send messages easily. With flowers, people usually ask for a donation to a favourite charity, as they see expensive flowers that will be thrown away the same day as wasteful.
This does not mean that nobody cares. I had lots of lovely messages from family and friends about my son, including messages from people I didn't know.
I think also that, when someone very elderly dies, people think that it was to be expected, so there is less sympathy than when you lose a younger loved one.

Flowers are expensive and die, such a waste of money and as others have said people text or phone these days instead of sending cards.

I can see why you’re upset, but a lot of people think funeral flowers are a terrible waste. Did you name any charity for donations instead? Personally I wouldn’t expect cards etc. from anyone but perhaps very close friends.

My DF always said he’d come back and haunt anyone who wasted money on flowers for his funeral! So my DM put a small posy on his coffin - because she wanted him to!

@Crikeyalmighty I had a 'landmark' birthday last year and I only got 4 cards - one from my parents, one from my godmother, one from df's elder sister and another from dm's younger sister. They are mostly in their mid 80s (except my maternal aunt who is mid 70s but terminally ill). I did feel a bit sad to think I'd probably get none in a few years!

I'm so sorry you've lost your Dad OP, it's a tough time and if it was unexpected you may not have seen him recently or had time to prepare which makes it all worse.

I'm mid 50's, I do send in sympathy cards - not because I'm a dinosaur as PP suggests (!) but because I do think it is nice to have that tangible recognition that someone cared enough to send a card.

For wider acquaintances I'll message in some way,

I do then try to remember when the funeral is so that I can text on the day - I'm quite conscious with messaging that the recipient can feel that they have to respond (might be an age thing) and I do think that can cause pressure so I'll often say "just to say I'm thinking im of you, no need to reply).

Funerals - I live in a fairly close community so I try to go to the funerals of my friends parents, I know how heartened I was but the attendance at my Dad's funeral I wouldn't send flowers, if it's close family I'd ask if there were flowers I could contribute to but mainly I contribute to whatever charity is nominated as I think that is important for those left behind. IME most funerals are immediate family and only one wreath.

I hope you find some peace at this difficult time.

Yes, but isn't it a cop out?

Post offices
Supermarkets
Ocado
Any card shop or supermarket sells sympathy cards. Home Bargains sells them.
I valued the effort made to send cards by friends and family after my mother died.
Sorry for your loss, OP.

I always send a card and I attend the funeral of parents of my closest friends, even with a 500 mile round trip. I always send flowers too or something else to remember them by.

It wouldn’t bother me; no. This thread shows the difference between what some feel is expected and others who do not.

I would never send a card for anything. Maybe they’re the same

I think you're right to feel sad about this, actually. Sometimes technology drives social change a lot faster than we can keep up with emotionally and this would be a good example. Younger people do tend not to send cards - I'm one of the few people I know who bothers with Christmas cards any more, and I don't often get many birthday cards. Texting and good wishes on, eg, Facebook have replaced those. But god, it would really feel NICE to have those good wishes translated into birthday cards you could stick on the mantle for the week and smile at! I'm clearly just an old dinosaur.

This, I think, is different from Christmas and birthdays. Funerals and the death of a close family member are big enough events that I think we're right to expect some traditions that remain. It's a bit sad for people to say 'your expectations aren't the norm'. Deaths are big events, they need to be marked. We reach for traditions when these huge things happen. And people seem ever so ready to send congratulations cards for new babies, so I think it partway has to do with people feeling taboo about death and not knowing what to say.

(and yet, in my place, I know I've expressed my sadness for someone on FB or by text, and not then sent a card. It's a tricky one. I think I do send cards to closer friends.)

Very sorry for your loss OP.

Flowers - almost all the funerals I have attended lately state 'family flowers only' and it's considered wasteful so I feel this is fine. Many have a charity nominated for donations and a message of condolence instead, did you do that? The funeral director set it up for our most recently departed family member.
Cards - I am in my 50s and never send cards any more.
Texts and messages to offer condolences and hope things go smoothly on the day and shortly after - this is absolutely what I would expect from your close friends and I would be very disappointed in the lack of this.

I wouldn’t want a card. I’d prefer a text.

30 people showed up and you're annoyed they didn't also send flowers? People have text but haven't sent cards too? Would a card and a flower halt your grieving?

The people who haven't said anything aren't great friends or even good friends. I'd ditch those and let the other stuff go.

I don't "expect" a card but like to receive one .

I didn’t get any cards , nor do I send them just send texts or go in person to see them

I get that thought but it doesn’t need to be said to someone who has (unexpectedly) lost a parent, it almost feels like by saying that it means ‘you can’t be too sad as they had a long life’. People are, generally, just as sad no matter what age I think? My dad died unexpectedly at 82 and had been to the gym 3 times that week, he always joked he was going to live to 100 as he was always so health conscious and fit so someone did actually say that to me and inside I was so sad. I knew they didn’t mean to hurt me but it’s so strange what can upset someone, grief is so hard.

I've organised three funerals in my time. For all three, we did have 'family flowers only' but said that people could make a gift to the charity collection at the crematorium instead.

When people first started doing this in Scotland, the understanding was that the money that you would have paid for flowers went to the charity collection: I used to put in the £20 that I would have paid for the flowers. (It's more nowadays, of course.)

When my parents died, I was surprised to find coppers in the collection and finished up adding to the collection myself to make a decent amount for the charity.

If I attend a funeral at a cemetery and there's no 'Family flowers only' notice, then I do buy a wreath or spray.

I did get cards when my husband died 5 years ago, during lockdown. The one that surprised me was the card that arrived from my husband's adult children: they lived in two separate households, but one blank card with a view of the area where one household lived had been signed by a member of each household. This was the same card that they'd sent for birthdays etc previously.

I'd rather that they'd not bothered at all. (They had decided that it wasn't safe for them to travel from England for the funeral, so that's possibly why they sent a card.)

I do recall that they did something similar one time when I had a birthday - one card came from the two households. I recall my husband looking at it and saying "What's wrong - could they not afford another stamp?"

I think that customs are changing nowadays and that explains a lot. The traditional sympathy cards that I got came from older people and I recall that I got flowers and cards from Moonpig type firms from my husband's nephews and younger former colleagues who have kept in touch. (I'm retired.)

I'll add that there was a month between the death and the funeral, so people had much longer to organise something. I suspect that in your case, @OP the shorter time period which is more common in Ireland might have had an impact.

Also, as others have said, people are definitely sending fewer cards these days.

Adding: my mother is a hermit and has hardly any friends. Those that are still alive are too infirm to travel a long way for a funeral. Dad is abroad and has family who would, because tradition, come to the funeral there, but it's a different cultural set-up. So 30 people for a funeral sounds amazing to me. I often think sadly that nobody aside from my own family will attend my mum's. And then wonder what the point is. She's very much of the 'stick me in a cardboard coffin and set fire to it, don't make a silly fuss' which I actually find very hurtful. But then, what's new there?

I felt people were really lovely and rallied round me, both online and in real life, when my mum died. There were not many cards, certainly enough flowers at the funeral and actually people being lovely made me cry more than anything. The messages of sympathy and support were very good and it didn't matter to me how they were sent. There are some good threads on here, OP, if you need more support.

The funerals with larger attendances are usually when a younger person died in my experienced. Sadly when an older person dies many of their close friends and family may have already passed away or may be too infirm to attend.