My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

I'm sorry it came to this after 7 months - obviously it worked on some levels but in a LTR you learn to work together, work around each other, meet each others needs, etc however different you are and I think being different can add to the richness and challenge of a relationship - someone else, someone different may expose you to other experiences in life that you may not otherwise have so... I don't think differences are always a problem but his low blow comment on leaving might tell you what he really thinks of you - he's upset obviously. You seem sound as a pound to me - I wouldn't say there is anything autistic at all about your commitment to having a routine around your work - it sounds like you have your exercise as a priority even though you have a long commute - hats off to you. Hopefully you'll feel that you've done the right thing - so take all the positives you can from this relationship, and everything you've learned about what matters to you and invest them in the next relationship... both of my daughters had break ups for not wildly dissimilar reasons - fundamentally they just didn't live their lives and make decisions the same way - lovely guys on many levels - I liked them both and I'm still in touch with both of them - genuinely I haven't got a bad word to say about either of them - both treated my daughters well and they had many happy times together - but my daughters both went on to find more compatible guys.

How awful I’m so sorry. If you ever question your decision, just remember this response from him and know you did the right thing. This ‘grandma’ over here who can’t stay up late found herself a lovely ‘grandpa’ and I’m sure you will too xx

Glad you've ended it OP. I work around a lot of domestic violence cases, and the controlling behavior and name-calling you described are red flags. I would think you've had a lucky escape.

Beyond that I'm bemused with people thinking your routine is extreme. Like the Aussies mentioned earlier, many Kiwis are up at the crack of dawn (or before), 5.30am to go running or to the gym is not unusual. Having consistent sleep/wake times is healthier too.

Surely all that really matters is you're rested and enjoying your life as you see fit, not whether you're a lark or night owl or fit someone else's idea of a "good life". As a night owl with variable sleep patterns and hopeless self-discipline in getting to bed earlier, I spend half my days feeling quite jetlagged and lacking energy to do the fun things I want to do, so it's not all it's cracked up to be!

Why don't you go to bed when you want to and he goes when he wants. Ditto for getting up

Your in a relationship not joined at the hip

Very bad of him to criticise you like that, but maybe you're not compatible if it bothers him so much. DP stays up later than I do, and likes to sleep in (weekends this is), but it's not an issue, we just go to bed when we want and get up when we want.

I wouldn’t be with a man who called me boring or who kept me up til 2/3am when it obviously made me exhausted.

11pm is more than late enough when you’ve got work.

I wouldn’t stay with him if I were you.

You are not married and the red flag is at full mast. Ffs love, if you’re even considering staying with this man after he has called you the names he has, then you have a miserable life ahead. Take the warning from us all or don’t, but if you don’t, we will all see you back here in a few months!

@tiredoldthing
how are you doing??

The fact he called you 'pathetic' like this is strange at the very least, as if he's trying to out-macho you like he would one of his bro pals. There are men like there who speak to their female partners as if they're some kind of sub-ordinate bro they can mock at any time. It's just low-level nastiness towards women and not the behaviour you should expect from a loving mature partner.

I also wonder if he feels intimated or feels emasculated by your early routine, as it's beloved of so many life style and fitness male influencers, hence the need to take you down a peg.

A lot of people need at least 8 hrs sleep, I personally I would expect you to be sleeping in bed by around 9.45pm!!

Yep - he's just nasty OP. Good riddance!!

I think if you were both nice people and the relationship was good in all other ways, it might be worth exploring a compromise.

But as he is clearly NOT nice, personally I wouldn't bother. You are less than a year in - I am sure you have invested a certain amount in the relationship, but doesn't sound like you live together permanently or anything.

Given his unkindness and mockery of you, I would call this a day, and look for someone who is:
A) a better match in terms of habits and lifestyle, and
B) a nicer person generally.

You sound like a nice person OP, and you deserve better than this rude man.

Oh, sorry, just saw you have already ended it.

Well done! X

This is down to personal choice - neither of you are extreme, it’s just different. And you can’t keep changing your sleep routine…you will be sluggish every day even if you then sleep in some days. Circadian rhythms don’t like us even changing for the weekend!

I’m an early riser like you and 8hrs sleep is non-negotiable. If he can’t understand or respect this then you’re incompatible. Trying to burn the candle at both ends will honestly destroy you. Lack of sleep will cancel out most of the good of those workouts and you’ll be tired and could become injury-prone. I think you need to ditch him…you know what works for you and it’s not his anti-social hours.

well done OP. He doesn’t sound that nice. I don’t think you’ll miss him.

I am also an early bird. Nothing nicer than using the early morning to get shit done.

I’m up between 5.30-6 every day (including weekends!) as it’s just the way I am. I find it hard to sleep in and find I’m most productive in the mornings. I aim for 7 hours sleep per night so try to be asleep by 10.30/11.

Im divorced now but my ex husband was a night owl and always up late / slept in late. We were totally mis-matched. He used to get annoyed that I was tired in the evening and wanted to sleep at a reasonable hour.

I love it now I can go to bed without feeling guilty. Would definitely prefer an early riser in the future!

I think you have done the right thing.

None of you are wrong, you just have different sleep patterns.

I'm mis matched with my husband. I'm a night owl and he's an early bird. It's not ideal but we compromise and make time for each other in the day, early evening etc.

I'm not really getting these posts saying you were incompatible - calling you pathetic, childish, refusing to compromise and getting angry at you aren't compatibility issues, they're being a twat issues. Even his parting shot showed he was a twat, a decent person would have reflected on their own behaviour not insulted you. I think you are well rid.