My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

Just read your final post OP and that comment shows what a small nasty man he is.

Well done. His parting shot is absolutely pathetic - I hope you laughed in his face.

We are also the owl and lark couple. He does not expect me to get up early and I know he cannot stay up late.

I could not do things his way and he could not do it mine!

Edited to add that it sounds like you are well rid :)

Ugh, you're well out of it OP Your routine is fine - I'd love to have your discipline, and swimming at the beach after work sounds idyllic. Ultimately, your routines weren't compatible and he's bloody rude. I imagine you'll end up with a hot, driven gym bunny.

You have a different body clock than your partner.

He thinks that's an ok reason to call you names like pathetic.

I think that's a huge red flag. The different body clocks are a basic incompatibility but his expectations that you shift to his and call you names because you're different is unreasonable and I think he's showing tendencies to be abusive. He calls you pathetic and you put up with this? This is early days when he's going to show you his best side.

Sleep is a physiological need. Without it, your mental and physical health quickly break down. Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse and a form of torture.

Seeing your update that he seems to have broken up with you while insulting you, you've dodged a bullet. Block him and let that be the end of a bad relationship.

You are not being unreasonable.

I am not sure why your routine is being described as 'extreme'. Gyms open at 6am, they wouldn't do so if they weren't used so clearly plenty of people do exactly the same and get up before 6 in order to exercise at 6! I am at the gym 4 times a week, never that early, but I get why you would want to go regularly. You are also trying to prioritise sleep, you sound like a healthy person who thinks about their lifestyle.

My partner and I have completely different sleep patterns. I don't need loads of sleep about 6.5-7 hours, so I am still up lateish and get up early and do stuff such as walk the dog or go to the gym. My partner likes to lay in until 9am but also goes to sleep at the same time in the evening as me but he needs what I consider to be a ridiculous amount of sleep. He would happily sleep for 12 hours. I could let it drive me mad, but when we are on holiday together we make sure I have somewhere to sit so I don't disturb him. We don't sleep at each others houses (except for Xmas etc), so I am free to get up and do things in the morning, which I couldn't do if he was there. In short, we have found ways to make it work, and respect each others differences. This isn't the same with your boyfriend. He isn't showing you respect, and is critical of you. Not a good way to treat your partner. In my opinion, the attitude and how he speaks to you is the problem, not the different sleep routines

Your experience isnt universal either is it? I know a LOT of people who get up around 6am- therefore its not a "tiny minority" 🤣

Ah, OP thanks for posting this, because it confirms beyond any doubt that you made exactly the right decision. What an absolute dickhead!

Calling you a "grandmother" is spectacular projection. You're out there looking after yourself, getting stronger and fitter, while he's one skipped shower away from becoming a permanent feature of the sofa.

The only thing he's committed to is fermenting in his own arse sweat.

Well done for ending it.

What a nasty comment from him. Good riddance.

You’re with him 7 months & he is calling you pathetic & boring .
So fuck him OP & move on .
It’s irrelevant what it is over , he shouldn’t be talking to you like that .

Fermenting in his own arse sweat needs to be trademarked!

Oh well there you go! You made the right decision.

Absolutely no point persevering with a man who doesn't match your lifestyle and is causing angst after just 7 months.

"Roll out of bed" makes it sound like there's some sort of problem with getting up at 8:30. It's still fairly early! A lot of people don't want to be hanging around in the morning if all they have to do is get ready for work. If he can do that in half hour more power to him.

Competitive early-risers, in typical mumsnet fashion.

I was going to say it wouldn't be long before someone comes along and says they get up at 4a.m and anything else is just lazy and wasting the day-but I see someone already mentioned their friend getting up at 4a.m although they thought that was a bit much...

And I thought 7a.m was early!

It’s a shame things didn’t work out. Well done for looking after yourself.

I think you’ve had a bad rap here. NHS guidelines recommend going to bed at consistent times every day inc weekends - I do this to OP.
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/how-to-fall-asleep-faster-and-sleep-better/

I’m sure you’ll find a partner who respects your self care choices x

@User18713903

fermenting in his own arse sweat.

Priceless !😆

He's been rude, and there's no excuse, but I kind of understand him in a way. From his point of view he must feel like your life and routine come first and foremost, and you won't do any adjustments to accommodate him. On the long run I would feel neglected if I only could have quality time together on another person's fixed schedule. Either your way, or nothing.

Many couples split up unfortunately if there is not a mutual effort to enjoy each other. Think of wives of busy professionals who only get breadcrumbs of time, eventually it's not for everyone to fit in someone else's schedule and wait for your turn.

He's definitely crossed the line with his comment, but I think it's due to starting to be really really annoyed.

No judgement here, just an external observation. I'm sorry but I'd feel like you're not really into me if this was done by a partner.

Having said that, you're definitely entitled to live your life as you prefer, like any one should. Including him.

I hope there are big plans together that might glue your relationship over time.

Wish you the best x

That's just plain nasty OP - you're well-rid of that guy.

I think you have your routine and he has his, both are fine in themselves but to be compatible you would need to find a compromise where both of you are benefitting and compromising, a balance. It seems he is unwilling to do this and is not being very nice about it.
For info - women need more sleep than men.
Personally, I’ve always been an early riser and early to bed by nature - if I go to bed late, I still wake early no matter what. I go to bed at 9 and get up at 6. Having my daughter obviously made all this harder! I can have a late night but I know I’ll be tired!

But it’s his way or the highway. If it was my way, I’d be asleep by 9:30 most nights, but I stay up way later than feels good for me, for him.

DUMP.HIM

You aren’t compatible basically. I’d be annoyed by voluntarily getting up so early myself

Good evening
I am sorry to hear about the end of your relationship but I believe you have done the right thing and you have done nothing wrong. Waking up early is natural to you and you are looking after yourself
Good luck and I hope you find someone who loves you

'He doesn't care' and ' I do suspect I'm on the autism spectrum' he's unkind to you and you are making excuses for you being upset?? whole bunch of 🚩

He's pathetic and a twat.
You are not compatible.

He is really rude.
Being called a name, pathetic, would be more than enough to dump him.

He's an arsehole.

Gym is critical for the mental health of many people.
Pay him zero intention.