My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

I have always been an early riser. I think having all my boys with a small age gap played part in it but i am always in bed by 8pm and definitely asleep by 9. Up most days at 05:45. My husband works in security and as a door supervisor on weekends and when he's not working he finds it very hard to switch off before 2/3am so he isn't up before 11am (suits me find cos he just gets in my way).
But If he called me childish and boring for my sleep pattern, he'd get told where to go bc who the hell do these men think they are? Go talk to ya mam like that bc she might let you but I certainly won't.

He's a controlling jerk who doesnt want to make any effort for you and insults you. He'll get worse if you give in to his demands because this is the "honeymoon" stage where he should be doing things to please you.

Dump him. Be happy.

Surely then he should also be willing to do the same?

I think it’s over. it’s just going to be a very awkward conversation

OP, you have had several comments that your routine is “outside the norm’ but it really isn’t. I know quite a few people who are early riser for several reasons, including time to exercise, walking dogs, or just because that’s their personal preference. All the early risers are also early to bed. Does sound like you need to set a pattern that allows you to have between 7-8 hours a day though, so you feel more rested, so you need to be asleep much earlier than 11.

I would say that your DP staying up until 2-3 a.m. is much more outside the norm.
Your sleep patterns are very different and that’s OK, but his calling you ‘pathetic’ and getting in a strop is not. He is trying to force you into what he wants and that does not bode well.

@tiredoldthing

yes…but he isn’t.
so what you gonna do?

OP, I don't think the details of his or your sleep patterns are actually the issue here. The problem is that he is calling you and your lifestyle "pathetic" and "childish". That is not ok and a red flag for some quite serious character flaws in him.

He's controlling, self-centred and incapable of compromise. I would run a mile in your shoes.

Your routine of waking at 5.40am to go to the gym is fantastic. Keep that up, excellent for your long term health. You’re not getting enough sleep. You should aim for between 7-8 hours sleep a night. 6 hours is associated with a 5-10% increase in mortality and then it increases as sleep duration decreases. You need to go to bed earlier. You’ve been together for only 7 months. You’re a lark and he’s an owl. You can’t change your natural biology, you can only fight it, which isn’t good for your health. IMHO you are not compatible. Try to find a guy who fits in with your life and routines better. It’s not essential but makes home life so much easier and enjoyable. Good luck!

Don’t let him dictate what you do. I think your routine sounds very healthy. I wish I could get up at 5.40 for the gym! But I go after work instead because I have more energy in the evenings. My husband has his own thing going on. He’s always up before me and never makes me feel bad for staying in bed an hour or two longer than him. In the night, I often want to stay up longer than he does - and I do, no biggie.

It sounds like he needs to realise that everyone is different (especially men and women at different times of the month - hello luteal phase!!!)

He’s an arsehole for calling you pathetic. You’re not. Your healthy routine works for you. Any man trying to change that can quite frankly piss all the way off.

Agree with this. Regardless of bedtimes etc he’s a prick, cut him loose. Any man calling me pathetic for any reason would get short shrift.

FWIW I’m the night owl in my relationship, as I work for myself so I can get up when I want (except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awoken by the dustmen ) and my DP is an early riser. He would prefer it if we both went to bed earlier as he is very routine driven but he absolutely accepts that my body clock is on a different time zone, so we compromise when we’re together, so if there’s something happening in the evening that requires him staying up a little later he’s happy to join in, and I go to bed earlier than I would at home.

If he gets up before me he will be super quiet and try not to wake me, and ditto if I’m up after he goes to sleep. If I don’t have an alarm set he’ll happily bring me a coffee up to bed when he has his coffee break at about 10am, with no judgment, as he knows I need to sleep until my body says I’m done!

Neither one of us is pathetic, we just enjoy the peace at different times of day (for those who love an early morning walk for the peace and quiet, us night owls enjoy 2am because there’s nobody else around needing us for anything, so it’s not so different, we just don’t tend to enjoy our peace outside!)

Incompatible.
Because he's an arsehole.

How dare he call you pathetic.

You could get the point across by waking him up at 5.40 and telling him he’s boring and childish for staying in bed…

What?

I’ve said it’s over and I’m going to have a conversation with him?

He's a night owl, but he shouldn't expect you to be one. If you're getting up around 5.30am most mornings you're clearly an early bird. It shouldn't be a big deal, but I'd be putting my foot down if I was put under pressure to change my routine. Ask him, kindly, to adapt.

I think your routine sounds great OP. I totally get how getting up early and getting active energises you for the day. That doesn’t mean you’re on the spectrum, it means you understand what your body needs and you’re responding to that.

My wife and I are similar to you and your partner - I go to the gym early every morning and have to get to work by 8 but she works from home and often doesn't have meetings until 9:30-10! We've always made it work - fortunately she doesn't mind lying in bed and scrolling and so will happily get into bed with me at 10 and stay up for hours on her phone. Sometimes she'll be out with friends and so will come home hours after I'm in bed. I know she is usually still awake at 2-3am because I work night shifts every few weeks so we text every so often until she goes to bed! She is also understanding about these because those weeks I need to sleep most of the day.

I'm sorry that your partner doesn't sound like they're being very nice to you - just because you've got different schedules doesn't give him the right to be nasty and hopefully he will see that if you can stand up to him about it! The right person will love you and want to have a happy compromise so you both get enough sleep.

He calls you pathetic and childish .... why are you wasting your life on him? You dont have to. Gather up your self respect and tell him to jog on.

Not patronising anyone , pretty obvious I'm just wondering why they're online at this time while saying they're exhausted and could cry about sleeping , and normally go to bed much earlier.

I would make the comment , be it a man or a woman , what a strange thing to say

11pm on a school night is late for me! I’m always in bed and asleep by 10:15! I get up later than you too.

Either way your partner is being really mean. My DH is a night owl and always has been. Bed by midnight on weekdays but often 1, 2 or 3 in the morning on weekends.

I often fall asleep on the sofa when we try and stay up, or want to call it early. He has never called me boring, he calls me cute and sleepy and encourages me to go to bed.

Glad to see you are ending it. Different sleep schedules can work, if both parties respect each other, but you can't get past him calling you names and shaming you, just for being different to him. Set him loose and find someone who respects and values you as you are.

People are silly for being different?

But he's judging you! You both have equally valid sleeping routines; they are just not the same. I wouldn't want to live with someone this judgemental - it will only get worse.

He's a boyfriend not a partner

And he needs dumping

Neither of you are wrong - but for him to call you ‘pathetic’ is very childish and would seriously give me the ick. You get up early to exercise and look after yourself and you’re not doing anything wrong.

The problem is not your different sleep / lifestyle patterns but the fact that he isn’t willing to compromise AND is downright nasty to you about your different routine / preferences. Better to have found this out now rather than later.

My boyfriend is an early bird, I’m a night owl (who can do early mornings when I have to but I bloody hate it) but we compromise. For example, I’ve just been staying with him for the past week. He gets up early (6am or earlier) and works but then brings me a coffee in bed around 8-9am. We might have a cuddle then (depending how busy he is) and/or I may just laze around in bed a bit. I’m usually in bed much much later than him but some evenings he stays up late with me (and may then get up later the next morning) or some evenings I go to bed early with him (and may also get up early with him). We mix and match and there’s zero stress. Because we care about each other and aren’t arseholes. Unfortunately I think your boyfriend is an arsehole!