My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

There are 2 separate issues here.

1. Your sleep patterns are not aligned. This might matter a lot to some people and not at all to others. How much does it matter to you?

1. Much bigger issue is the way you are both dealing with this issue. He is name calling, belittling, and expecting to get his way by demanding your discomfort to accommodate his preferences. You are agreeing that his preferences are more important than your own health and wellbeing. You are bending yourself to his demands. Why?

Would you call him pathetic or lazy for sleeping until 8.30? Why not? How would he respond if you did? Why are there two different standards in this very new relationship?

How do you imagine he will respond the next time you do something that displeases him? And the time after that?

11pm-12am is a perfectly normal bedtime so I don't understand the issue.

I think you're mad for choose to get up before 6am everyday, but if it's work for you, who cares. It's not like you're going to bed at 8pm so I really don't see the issue.

He's a dick for insulting you for this.

Honestly 11pm to 5.30am wouldn’t be nearly enough sleep for me so on that basis I think your schedule is unreasonable! But definitely not because it isn’t late enough. In your shoes I’d need to go to bed at 10 latest.

I'd be a bit worried he expects you to be up and around to entertain him on his terms to the detriment of your own health and lifestyle, and calls you pathetic if you don't change to suit his needs. His concern only for himself.

He's not very nice. Only 7 months in and he's calling you pathetic just because your routine is different from his. Neither sleep pattern is extreme, they're just very different, but he doesn't sound like the sort of person who will acknowledge that your choices are just as valid as his, and be willing to make any compromises. I think I'd be wondering what else he might start insulting me about, if it didn't meet with his approval.

He sounds very unkind , dismissive and willing to override your preferences to get what he wants. If you had a friend who’s newish boyfriend called her pathetic, overrode her choices and pushed her to do something that made her over tired what would you say to her?

my partner and I have very different sleep needs. I need about 9 hours and am often in bed by 9pm, and he is an insomniac who sleeps about 4 hours most nights and then occasionally crashes out at 5pm 🤷‍♀️ we tuck the other in and don’t call each other names

This!

Why are you making up reasons/excuses for the way you choose to live your life! Do you think he dose? He can be a night owl as much as he wants, you can be a morning person as much as you want, if your not compatible so be it but he has no right to put you down for your way of living.

I am up at 5:30am most days OP, and I don’t think it’s that unusual.

I am in bed by 10 most nights, there is no way I would be staying up later just to please someone else.

and if someone callled me pathetic because of it, I would be very 🤔🤔

Have you read "Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker. Genetics pull people toward being night owls or 'larks'. You are a lark, and your h is a night owl. Skim the book, likely available at a library near you for free.

Both your sleep patterns are valid. Your h is wrong to call you pathetic or expect only YOU to adjust to his sleep pattern and preference.

You've only been together 7 months, you don't live together and he calls you pathetic. Why do you even keep seeing him, just bin him off.

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Is he good at compromising in other areas? Does he watch your choice of movie or TV without complaining, happily listen to your choice of music, let you pick the restaurant? Listen and try to understand your view when you have different opinions on something? Is he reliably kind to you, or often dismissive of your perspective?

He’s wrong. She’s a morning person and it’s categorically much more healthy for her to be in bed by midnight. I’m a night person and would happily stay up till 1 or 2 EXCEPT I have a normal life with kids and wouldn’t get enough sleep so I work so hard to get to bed by midnight. It’s a healthy habit.

He sounds horrible and really immature.

This ^ 100%

You could stop going to the gym at 0540, that does sound boring to me…

You're a lark, he’s an owl. Incompatible

He’s not nice to you. He is not a nice man. That’s all you need to know so there is no point to keeping him around. You deserve a nice life. You deserve a nice man.

Find an Australian. Half the country is up, out and moving before 6 am.

You’re an adult with a routine. He’s a teenager that likes to stay awake until the early hours. The first red flag is that he’s mocking you for going to bed at a reasonable (normal) hour. What else is he going to complain about?

This.

You are both being unreasonable for only allowing yourselves 6 hrs of sleep a night.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

This sounds a bit judgemental when it's your schedule that's the one far outside the norm.

My dh is a lark and I’m an owl, we just aren’t narcissists who think the other should change their entire natural rhythms around to suit them. Together nearly 20 years and rarely go to bed together

He sounds nasty. Who the hell does he think he is calling you pathetic and boring simply because you have a different sleep pattern.

Id move on for that reason alone.

• He's not your partner. He's a boyfriend, soon to be ex hopefully.
• His calling you names and being mean to you is utterly unacceptable.

There is nothing wrong with your routine, clearly your individual routines are incompatible.

I'm a nightowl myself, and NEVER would I call my DH names or mean things just because he goes to sleep at 11pm.

This man is mean to you, and sounds immature, selfish and generally a twat, so I suggest you get rid. End it now before you make the huge mistake of moving in together.

The only pathetic one is the manchild who is being mean to you.

Who do you think you are? Criticising OP's gym routine. Have you ever been to the gym early morning? I do occasionally and it sets you up for the day and gives you your evening to relax. There's nothing boring about early morning exercising, it's invigorating and energising.