My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

Calling you pathetic and childish is your kind in the sand (or should be)

”My choice good.. Your choice ‘pathetic’”
Red flags all over this one. Seriously.

This.
He is not a keeper.
He tells YOU you’re childish to want sleep. Yet stays in bed 3 hours longer every morning? Logic isn’t his strong point is it.

This relationship is already damaging your health - mental & physical.

see this as validation you’ve done the right thing

"If he's not making you happy, chuck him in the bin"

• Harry Styles 2026

Wise words @tiredoldthing

I'm sorry, i missed this update.
Well done.
What an arsehole.
A nasty arsehole.
No loss whatsoever.

His response shows you’ve definitely had a lucky escape.

You aren't childish to want enough sleep to function well and feel good long term. I have sleep issues myself but it is important to well being. He sounds like a big jerk, I would end things for him calling you childish and pathetic.

Sorry ETA just saw your update. What an ass! Sorry op.

You are not only incompatible in terms of sleep, which is hard enough if everything else was perfect. But he’s gas lighting you into thinking it’s your fault, when it’s biology, you literally just have different chronotypes. If he’s he’s being selfish and manipulative in the honeymoon stage, imagine what he’d be like later down the line? MASSIVE RED FLAG.

edit: just seen. Lucky escape. He is awful.

@tiredoldthing sorry about your relationship ending.
I’m really surprised that people think your sleep habits are extreme. I understand lots of people don’t like getting up early, but it’s quite normal
where I live for people to get up early to exercise and it sounds like you have quite a healthy balanced lifestyle. What isn’t good for people is staying up to 2/3am!

@tiredoldthing I don't see anything wrong with your routine. Like you and other posters, I live my life before work as I can control when I start but not when I finish. After 25 years competing horses while working, if I tried to train post work, more often than not I'd have to stay back at work and not get a ride in. I always went to gym early for the same reason.

The only time I can ever sleep past 6am is if I'm really sick. Even post major surgery, I woke up at my normal time and would have day naps. Mornings are the best time. Limited people, brisk and fresh.

If I sleep till 8am the day is so out of whack and I'm ridiculously behind.

I think I’ve read that genetically people can be a “lark” or an “owl”. It doesn’t make you pathetic to be one or the other - it’s genetics. It doesn’t HAVE to make you incompatible, but it will be hard to make it work when you’re on different schedules, and at a point in your relationship where you should be building your connection by spending quality time together. Personally I’d say him not being accepting of your lifestyle is the real issue; ‘pathetic’ is such a horrible word to use on a partner.

Anyway. Sleep is amazing and good for you, and you sound disciplined and are probably healthier for it! He should take a leaf out of your book 😂

You aren’t compatible. I’m a night owl with no off switch. I once dated a guy who would be asleep behind the sofa at social events but full of beans at 6am. 🤷‍♀️

He's thick, 5.40 am means you need to be in bed about 9pm, ask him if he wants you to give up gym or die before your time through chronic sleep deprivation?

Just ask him if he wants you to give up gym, if he does, tell him yo eff off

Why do you go to the gym 5 days a wk?

I love it that you are vindicated in one small sentence
🤣
Well done @tiredoldthing

I'm an early bird and dh is a night owl. I am always in bed before him and up before him.
It worked great when dc were babies, he was happy to stay up and do the last feed at midnight and I started with the morning feed at 3am which meant we were both well rested.
Having such different sleep patterns can work, but you both need to respect the differing needs, which it sounds like your partner does not.

Yep, sounds you 100% made the right decision OP! What a petty, vicious twerp he is. You're well shot of him. Enjoy your sleep and your early morning workouts. Maybe you'll meet another early bird at the gym?

Lots and lots of people would want to be with a grandma as fit and healthy as you 😁😁😁they’d be queuing.
you can do so much better!! But doesn’t have to be an early bird, my dh is an early and I’m a night owl and we have made it through 20 years.

as @HeddaGarbled pointed out you are accommodating his preferences and he is not accommodating yours.

he is calling you pathetic, boring and you say you are so tired you could cry.

it’s not the incompatibility, it’s how he is dealing with it. That’s not ok. And it won’t only show up here it will be in his every interaction.

Seeing how someone responds when you say ‘no’ to them is very revealing, much more than what they say. When someone shows you who they are, … believe them This is who he is , believe him.

Most people who work and/ or have children have no option than to go to bed at a normal time, unless they can cope on less sleep. I'd say your schedule is more normal than his. The few people I know who go to bed at 3 am have nothing to do the next day.

It’s fine for two people to have different sleep styles. I have always been an early to bed/ rise person and when dh and I met he was the opposite. We would spend the evening together, id go to bed around 10 and he would come up at midnight. I’d get up at 6 and he’d sleep till 8/9 . We were considerate of each other but neither had issue, at a weekend id stay up till 11/12 and sleep till 7/8.

The issue isn’t your differing sleep patterns it’s his reaction that he’s right and you are pathetic. I would have ended the relationship too, not because he slept differently to me but because he lacked capacity to see other people do things differently and because he was rude.

You are just not compatible. Sometimes that's the way. I personally couldn't be married to someone with a sleep schedule that was so different to mine, I would find it odd for a young person to want to go to bed so early and get up so early. Do you go clubbing or out to the pub etc.?

Thankfully me and my husband have similar schedules of getting up at 7sm ISH and going to bed midnight and we are up later at the weekend.

Well done for getting it done.

i hope what he said just confirmed to you that you'd done the right thing!

I hope you're not too upset today. I'm sure he had goid points too. But you deserve someone who doesn't speak to you like tgst or expect l you to ignore your Needs for their pleasure

💕

personally couldn't be married to someone with a sleep schedule that was so different to mine, I would find it odd for a young person to want to go to bed so early and get up so early.

Why on earth would someone young in their 20s who loves going out clubbing want to get married at that age anyway? 🙄