My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

Neither of you is wrong about sleep although he is certainly wrong to call you pathetic.

You might be incompatible if your different sleep patterns mean you never spend much time together. But maybe you get enough time together from say 7-11pm ?

If I was up at 5.40 I'd have to be in bed at 9.30 and asleep by 10 so not I dont think you are veing unreasonable but it seems you have different sleep patterns.

You both have pretty extreme habits, imho. And completely incompatible.

That’s how I feel, but he thinks I’m childish for wanting to be rested. I’m exhausted by the end of the week and I know it sounds silly, but I could cry. I’m so tired

Well he’s being bloody rude.

Does he not do the maths and realise he’s getting 3 hours extra sleep every morning and that’s why he can stay up later?

calling you boring and pathetic because you are tired? that's not on and it sounds like he's not the one for you

watching football on tv isn't to everyone's liking, did you both want to do that?

WHY are you wandering to this and making yourself exhausted?!? Go home and go to bed

He doesn’t care and thinks I should just not set an alarm, or set a late one.

I do suspect I’m on the autism spectrum on some level, and I really hate to have a lie in. I feel like I’ve wasted my day if I do. But I never wake him up when I wake up at the weekend.

You either both compromise or you just aren’t compatible. I’m not sure I could change my sleeping habits even if I wanted to.

I don’t like him. He doesn’t seem to like you to be so critical and nasty.

You get up at 05:40 when you don’t have to???!!! Fuck me, that’s insane.

I go to the gym before work. It means my evenings are free and it makes me happy.

You are accommodating his preferences. He’s dissing your preferences. He doesn’t sound very nice.

Being called boring pathetic or childish is not ok
sleep is great ! Before I had my three babies I used to get 10/11 hours a night and I loved it ! My gran always said an hours sleep before midnight is worth two after !

I agree with @LadyGardenersQuestionTime that you both have extreme habits and are probably incompatible.

I am not often in bed before midnight, but I definitely couldn't stay up until 2 or 3 as your DP seems to think normal.

OTOH I would find getting up before 6am for the gym an unusual habit. Is that every day! If so, no wonder you are tired.

Ultimately neither of you is unreasonable but I don't think you really fit together.

His issue is that he wants you to stay up as late as him. He wants you to prioritise what he wants.
He doesnt care about how many hours of sleep you are getting or not getting.

So he thinks you should sacrifice the gym and the early mornings, to enable you to stay up late with him.

Just dump him and sleep on your own schedule, and dont let anyone make you feel like what they think or want should take precedence over your own needs.

Sleep is under rated!!

Yes every weekday, but on the days he’s not here/im not with him I do get an extra hour to hour and a half of sleep and I feel great!

Not sure why people are saying you both have extreme habits . It’s a routine you both have and that’s pretty normal . But I think he is an arsehole the way he is describing your routine.

Well neither of you are wrong in your sleep schedules- no one is, if their schedule allows them to meet their responsibilities and have a happy life etc

You are both at perhaps extreme ends of the spectrum but neither of you is wrong.

What is really wrong is him trying to make you change to his preferred way of living, and calling you names when you don’t want to. Why would it be pathetic to go to bed if you’re tired? It would be more pathetic to stay up for the sake of it, or to please him - and I say that as a fully card carrying night owl myself.

I think you should bin him off tbh. He’s showing you who he is and he’s unlikely to improve. He sounds very selfish to me.

He is being cruel, and you are definitely not pathetic. However I do think getting up at 5:40am every day through choice is unnecessary.
Can you not compromise and go to the gym one night in a week instead so you can have lie in?
I’m a night owl who would happily stay up til 2am but i’ve shifted as have school run to do and work to go to.
If these issues show after 7 months, it is a concern. It won’t get better especially if you ever have kids.

It works when I’m not with him. I never go after work, so I go before - it forces me to stay in that routine

If he can’t understand that your sleep pattern is just as valid as his - even if it’s not his preference- then I wouldn’t be trying to make this work.

Just no - anyone who said I was pathetic would be in the bin and I’d be having an early night to celebrate.
He isn’t making you happy, he’s dismissive and his feelings come first. It amounts to a disaster, bail out before it gets worse and you end up pregnant and have longer reaching decisions to make

My great grandmother said that too, apparently, about hours before midnight. Funny thing is with me it’s the opposite- I find morning hours much more refreshing, in that I can have the same amount of sleep, but feel much better if I’ve had it at a later time.

However that is just me and clearly the OP is different.

I admit I don’t like going to bed early - it feels like yet another deadline, rather than treat, whereas for me, lie ins are lovely. But we’re all different!

It sounds like you’re just on different schedules, although your partner sounds a bit mean. DP and I are both night owls, rarely in bed before midnight even on work nights. My preference would be waking up about 9am but on work days it’s 6.45. I tend to wake naturally around 8.45, regardless of the day/being on holiday. DP could sleep much later if left to his own devices. (He can also nap which I absolutely can’t.)

I have a friend who is up at 5.30 every day and in bed at 9.30 - I’d hate having not much evening after work, she’d hate wasting the morning. We could never be a couple!