My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

Sorry but it sounds like you're not compatible. Who says you have to sleep in the same room? That comes from lack of options due to small housing not because it's practical! Sleep is definitely a priority and you should always sleep when you're tired if you can.

LTB, sorry you're incompatible, if you can't get enough sleep with each other life will be awful.

BTW I don't think 5:40 am is too early, I'm a get up at 06:00 person and in bed by 22:30. DH is more of a 08:00 - 23:30 person, so we just make sure not to disturb the other.

He sounds like a complete knob. What are you even doing with him?

Some people are naturally early risers. We tend to feel better if we just get up and get on with our days rather than trying to sleep later in the morning. That often means we're sleepy by 11 or earlier. And that's okay! DH is more of a night owl than I am, but he would never say I was pathetic for feeling sleepy whenever I do, just as I don't say he's pathetic if he sleeps an hour or two later than I do. Unless we have special plans, it's not that big of a deal. Your partner is being unreasonable to demean you for wanting to be well rested.

Those posters criticising your getting up time are as bad as your boyfriend - 05.40 is not the middle of the night and there is a purpose to you getting up at this time. You go to the gym, I get up at the same time to go to work - both of us have our reasons for rising early, equally valid.

Any partner unpleasant enough to be calling you pathetic, boring and childish, especially only 7 months in, needs binning straight away. He will only get worse.

This is not incompatibility.

This is a controlling abuser in the making.

Your relationship is seven months old and he's already calling you names.

Dump him.

Ditch the boyfriend, get the sleep.

I think the only unreasonable thing here is that you go to bed at 11 when you have an alarm set for 5.40. The fact that you are almost in tears from tiredness by Friday means you’re not getting enough sleep - go to bed earlier!

DH and I have different sleeping patterns. It’s only an issue if one of you makes it an issue. He toddles off to bed at 9pm and I wave him off and settle in to watch something for a couple of hours. If I can see he’s exhausted I send him to bed and I tidy up the kitchen while listening to a podcast. He doesn’t complain that I’m still asleep when he leaves for work in the morning (I WFH). I have a friend whose entire life is structured around sleep and she talks about it endlessly and expects everyone else to fit in with her needs. It’s the attitude that is boring not the sleep habits. If your bf can’t accommodate your needs without criticising you then the relationship is doomed I’m afraid.

Not really. Many of us are early birds. I love to get up early and watch the day unfold with a hot coffee. Literally the best part of my day.

I second the person who said you need an Australian partner. Most people here get up at the crack of dawn, it took me a while to get used to it, but now I love it!

Agree with this OP. My partner is like yours and I'm like you (although i get up at 6am) we have a child so someone had to be awake early and now its stuck. However when I get into bed at 10pm he makes me a decafe tea and chats to me until I'm asleep. He has never called me pathetic about anything.

Firstly, your boyfriend sounds like a prick. He's calling you pathetic for not staying up late? He sounds like a stupid teenager.

Secondly, I'm amazed at all the people who think getting up at 5:40 to workout is extreme! I have a FT job, 3 kids and lots of additional responsibilities, and I'm up by 6 every day to either walk the dog before work or workout. I don't think I know anyone with a job who rolls out of bed at 8:30. Half the morning's gone!

My partner and I are imcompatible sleepers. Been together 7 years. Have slept in separate bedrooms for 6 years (both now in our early 40’s).

I need 8-10 hours sleep. I hate being cuddled etc. he loves cuddling. I don’t.

he can manage perfectly well on 5 hours or so. And prefers to go to sleep after 12/1am

he snores. So loud it sometimes wakes me up in the other room.

I am a fidget sleeper, constantly turning left and right (due to broken collarbone years ago)

We love each other very much. We have a very. Happy and fulfilling relationship since we worked out our and agreed our sleeping differences.. Neither one of us has been abusive or used abusive language regarding the understanding that this is the best solution for us- and our relationship.

I think the bigger issue is him calling you names.

🙄 Don't be ridiculous, you're sounding as rude as the boyfriend!

Your partner is being mean. Lots of couples have different sleep cycles, which they get over. But he is calling you pathetic for wanting to go to bed earlier than him. It's not even that early, 11.00 is average for most adults.

I used to get up at 5 and ride my bike for an hour. It energized me for the day but at night I was v tired and went to bed between 9:30-10:30. It was a great routine. So I understand OP going to gym early and to bed early. It just makes you feel better overall He is a JERK!!!

He's rude, unkind and doesn't have empathy.

Here is the evidence that it's not just night owls who get told off or ridiculed for their sleep patterns!

Larks get criticised too - "eg dont be so boring" etc

Tell him to literally piss off, cant stand someone telling me when to get up or sleep. He's a bellend and there's no sleep pattern that will fix that!

Perhaps he should try being well-rested and see whether it improves his mood sufficiently to prevent him from insulting people close to him simply for having different (and far healthier) habits. This lack of willingness to accept that you have different needs and priorities would be a indication for me to cut my losses rather than compromise in a way that left me sleep-deprived long term.

I'm like you OP up at 5am / 6am most mornings even when I'm not working and I go to bed even earlier than you in the winter when it's dark, although I do stay up a bit later on a weekend (alcohol may be the reason for that!) I have a pretty strict routine and I like it, nobody else has to like it but they do have to accept it. If someone came along and started trying to bully me into changing by calling me pathetic or whatever I'd be telling him to FUCK OFF OUT OF MY SIGHT YOU PUSHY, MOUTHY LITTLE CUNT!!!

I'm single. It's for the best 👌

This actually reminds me a bit of a couple I knew some years back. She was in bed by 10pm, he turned in around 1am. He was curious enough to have a discussion about their respective sleep habits, and also that she woke up every morning feeling refreshed, when he didn't. So, he tried going to bed earlier. After adjusting to the 10pm bed-time, he discovered he wasn't a natural night owl, and was bowled over by how good mornings felt after a consistent 7-8 hours sleep each night. He's now boringly evangelical about sleep. But he's also a nice guy who I doubt would have dreamed of insulting his girlfriend's sleep schedule.

He is vvv unreasonable to belittle you for your sleeping habits and yabu for allowing him to dictate when you go to bed.

My DH is similar in that he goes to bed at least 3 hours after me. It's worked for us since he would generally go to bed with me and cuddle/scroll on his phone until I'm asleep. I've always liked having him there, it feels less disconnected.

The only small issue was when we had kids. He found it very difficult to get up in the morning with them. He began going to bed earlier but it's difficult to change lifelong habits and it took a while for him to adjust to the new schedule and still get enough sleep.

He sounds like a tosser. Who is he to dictate your sleep pattern and call you pathetic? He's pathetic for not having the brains to understand your sleep pattern.

You're not pathetic, he is with his attitude. I'd bin him off after that. 7 months in and he's trying to control your sleep for his benefit, nope. He sounds like a lover.

You sound like me and my Dh. Although I go to bed earlier and wake earlier. I’m an early bird, he’s a night owl.

The difference is is that we both respect that we both have different sleep needs.

After only 7 months and calling you pathetic I would say goodbye.