My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

Yes, he is being unreasonable. Calling you pathetic and wanting you to stay up half the night when you’re tired is inconsiderate.

Lack of sleep in unhealthy. What on earth is he doing till 2/3am on a weeknight!?
I need at least 7hrs sleep, ideally 8hrs. I'm asleep by 10.30am every night.

One of you is a morning person and the other a night owl. You are not forcing early mornings on him, so he shouldn't force late nights on you.

His sleep patterns sound extreme to me, but I’m only up after 11 for special occasions these days. I go to the gym at 7.30 which means being up at 6.30. The first classes start at 5.40.

but he sounds a bit mean about it all. Don’t give up the gym.

I have a similar sleep pattern to you OP. I naturally wake around 5:30, and have always been an early riser. It's not for want of trying to sleep later. I just wake up and, once I'm awake, I can't seem to get back to sleep. I'm in bed by around 10:30, or 11 at weekends.

Theres nothing at all wrong with your preference of wanting to go to the gym early. It's probably quieter there then too. What does he want to be doing u til 2/3 am?

You are both incompatible. What is unreasonable though is him calling you childish and pathetic. That's very immature and downright disrespectful. You can do better than this. Get him in the bin and regain your sleep.

The sleep patterns aren’t this issue here, his attitude is.

it’s perfectly possible for people to do things differently and still respect each other.

He’s trying to belittle you, and make you question yourself. People who do this are generally insecure themselves. He may feel like he looks lazy compared to you and be trying to deflect/lash out. These are not the actions of a good man.

He is not supportive. He does not have your back. It will only get worse. You deserve better.

We get up at 4.45am on work days and I don't even fit the gym in before work! Bed for me is as close to 9pm as possible, my husband stays up later if he wants to.
I have been awake since 4am this morning and will probably crash by 9pm tonight despite it being the weekend, I think a lot of people assume that people going to bed early get loads of sleep, I don't, I have the same 24 hours in the day as everyone else - they just start earlier.
Your boyfriend sounds like a bell end. Ditch him! And stick with going to the gym (bellend boyfriend would probably be the first to complain when you started putting weight on from abandoning your exercise regime).

It's really not unusual to go to the gym before work.

He sounds vile to be honest. I’m up at 5.30 for work during the week and start getting ready for bed about 9.30/10pm as I need a lot of sleep. How dare he call you pathetic.

I also get up before 6 most mornings to go to the gym and I am very ready for bed by 9:30, although I don’t tend to actually go to sleep until 10:15 or so. My partner is the opposite and occasionally that has led to tension but most of the time he tries to go to bed a bit earlier and I have a nap on the weekends so I can stay up a bit later with him. I just can’t sleep in to make up for it. If he was rude about it though or called me boring I would not be so accommodating.

This^^

The different sleep patterns are not the problem as such, although it would be better if you were both early to bed, early to rise types.

It’s the fact that he can’t respect your priorities as well as do the math and he can’t support you in your ambition to stay fit and calls you “pathetic” for wanting to do so.

For a start, that is bloody rude as Minipie says

Second, it’s factually wrong because we all know that after three years say, of consistently working out, you will be really fit and and he will have nothing to show for staying up late.

Third, it doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship, say if you went on to have children, would he be adaptable or flexible to changing circumstances, be able to work through conflict respectfully, and be willing to step up?

Fourth why should his wish to stay up late trump your ambition to get up early?

Op it could be argued that you are not being flexible either and you could compromise by not going to gym say on Sunday morning when he is staying over, or do some exercise together in the day?

But if a bf of mine called me “pathetic” fairly early in the relationship and refused to compromise or discuss matters respectfully and didn’t support my ambitions, then I would be showing him the door!

You do not need his permission to exercise and go to sleep early. You should not need to shrink your ambitions for yourself for this man.

Op I suggest you dump him and if you like animals I suggest you get straight on to a farmers dating app.

He shouldn't be calling you pathetic, its not kind - you've only been together 7 months, its not going to work- move back out

I think you’re doing well staying up till 11 tbh! If I was up every day at 5.40 I would be asleep by 9.30/10!

People who get up earlier are happier and healthier generally (excluding shift workers) apparently.

I back your approach OP. What is your partner doing until 2 to 3am every night? I do hope it's not online gaming which seems (along with use of weed) to be so very self destructive and to be the death knell of so many relationships.

He is awful to call you pathetic.

Your sleep pattern, while not suitable for everyone is healthier. And I am also like you and much prefer exercise in the morning.

If he is going to bed at 2am and then getting up at 8.30, he’s also nor getting enough sleep for many people.

I would end the relationship tbh. Mostly because of his poor attitude towards you. Please don’t stay up late anymore for him.

This! He's being horrible.
Being an early bird morning person is completely normal. Being a night owl is also completely normal and also definitely not superior in any way.
It is possible to be a successful couple while being different but you each have to respect and support the other's needs.
Also sleep deprivation is AWFUL and he is not worth it.

He sounds awful

I'm up at 6am most days and try to be asleep by 10. I'm far more of a morning person. I really hate staying up late, i feel awful the next day of I do. There is no way I'd change that for anyone or compromise on it, because it would be completely unnecessary. And there is no way I'd put up with being called pathetic or childish either!

You are not compatible. And he doesn’t sound like a nice person.

Keep the routine you like & ditch the arsehole.

I’m with you OP, love an early morning and feel I can fit in a lot more in my day. 11pm would be too late for me though.

Are you very serious about this boyfriend? I can understand that in a new relationship he will want to spend time with you. I just don’t like the way he’s expressing himself.

Op there’s incompatible and there’s being made feel like your way is wrong- being called pathetic is out of order imo. You’re only 7 months in, I don’t think he’s a keeper

He sounds quite rude. I don't like the way he is mocking you and not accepting that you're different to him.

My DH and I are sleep incompatible. I’m early to bed, early to rise and very full of energy in the AM. He’s a late sleeper and naturally a night owl. He’s a shift worker which fits in with his natural pattern.

We have a busy family life so our responsibilities are shared based on our own timetables but when we were dating I quickly had to set clear expectations eg say a time and place we would meet on a Saturday morning as if we said “let’s see each other on Sat” I wouldn’t hear from him til midday or later or even make a plan and it would piss me off.

I have some sympathy with him, in that 5:40 is unusually early to get up, and that’s why you’re tired earlier in the evening than he is. But would he prefer it if you slept for another couple of hours in the morning and went to the gym in the evening instead? If you did that, you’d have no early/mid evening time together.

The only solution is for you to stop going to the gym. Is that what he really wants?

Basically, with such different sleep patterns you just sound incompatible.

I have some sympathy with him, in that 5:40 is unusually early to get up, and that’s why you’re tired earlier in the evening than he is.

Its not actually that unusual - look at this thread and why would you have sympathy for someone who is being unnecessarily rude to the person he is meant to care about?

Seven months in and he's happy to call you pathetic to your face? Just bin him OP, he's not for you.

Regardless of it being an unusual wake time/pattern, it suits you and makes you feel happy. Why should you be made to feel "less than" for it, it's not like it hurts anyone! You just need to find a similarly early riser!

Completely incompatible and as times goes on you’ll get more exhausted and resent him. He’s clearly not going to change his stance so it will be all on you. Sleep is the key to everything imho!