My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

If he cannot respect your need for sleep I would call it verging on abusive.

I’ve had a couple of these idiots in the past. I would end the relationship. Him not respecting your need for rest and calling it pathetic is a death knell for your relationship.

I think you’re just incompatible with your sleep routine. He is being unkind about it, but I would not like to be with someone who is gone every time I wake up, nor would I want to spend every evening alone, and creep into bed with someone already asleep.

A Lark and an Owl probably aren't compatible unless they are willing to compromise.
The disparity in the times of energy are misaligned and this seems to be caused ill feeling in your relationship. The ill feeling is the deal breaker .
He unkindly called you boring and pathetic,you also bear ill feeling by saying someone who gets up at 08.30 "rolls out of bed".
I don't think either of you are unreasonable, just prefer different routines and sleep patterns.But the resentment of the differences will kill your relationship in the end.

This is exactly what I do, except about half an hour earlier 😊

Why should it be for you to fit in with him? Why is he right??:Why can't he follow your timeframe?

After only 7 months (and as you start to get more serious) he is showing you who he is. He doesn't like you having boundaries. What is his behaviour like in other ways? Is everything a battle? Can you imagine what he would be like if you had children? He clearly only prioritises himself. I would say quit while you're ahead.

BTW, me and my partner go to bed & get up at different times and respect this without being mean to each other or namecalling.

You’re incompatible. I also don’t see why he needs to give a running commentary on your sleep patterns .

OP, I need to make something clear to you.

Someone who actually likes you for you, because they care about you as an individual person who they want to be happy and succeed, would not be mocking you and trying to get you to stick to their timetable. They would be trying to figure out a compromise, worried about your lack of sleep, and persuading you to go to bed and put your needs first. Thats not what this man is doing, its all about him, which is showing you he only wants you around because of what you can give him, not because he sees you as a wonderful individual who he wants in his life. A lot of men are like this so it can be really hard to identify that this behaviour is wrong. But it is. You deserve someone who shows you kindness and care always.

Life is far too short to stay in a relationship with someone who calls you pathetic after only 7 months together.

Rude bastard. Why are you with him?

The way he speaks to you isn't acceptable.

Your comment about being neuro divergent struck me. My husband has AuDHD , he got into the gym about 2 years ago. Now I go to the gym, I go 3 times a week once when DS is at gymnastics , I do a class one evening and I go on my lunch break on my WFH day. DH started to go 5-6 times a week at 5:30 am. It meant he was falling sleep by 9:30pm every night. Which when you're not both back from work until 6/6:30 , he works a late one night a week until 9pm and so do I, and you have a child who goes to bed at 7/7:30 in the week and 8 at the weekend, meant we were spending very little time together. I became resentful that his rigidity around his gym routine felt like he was prioritising that over spending time with me. We spoke about it and he now goes 4 times a week 2 are at 5:30am , he does one late session after his late night at work and he does one at the same time as me on a Sunday when our ds is at gymnastics. He now isn't tired every evening and we tend to go to bed together around 10:30 in the week and up to midnight at weekends. It's also really nice occasionally to lie in with your partner at the weekend (we rarely get opportunities for that due to ds). So I think if you are not willing at all to consider the impact on him of your strict routine, the relationship probably doesn't haven't legs. Having said all of that DH would never call me names the way this man has you.

You’re not compatible.

Also regardless of him if you're so tired by the end of the week you could cry, this early routine isn't working for you

I get up at 5.15 for the gym and go to bed earlier. My DH is nothing but supportive. Cant imagine him calling me names because of it!
Your partner is showing you who he really is. BELIEVE HIM

That’s fine but you are not being even the tinest bit flexible. Relationships need compromise. They don’t work long term without it. Have one day per week or fortnight where you stay up and lay in with him and go to the gym another time on that day. The world won’t end. He should also be comprimising to your schedule when suitable. If you go on holiday for example and you are up early. It’s just about being kind to each other and compromise. Been with my husband for 30 years and married for 20 so I have some clue about long term relationships

It doesn't matter if you find it boring, what a pointless response - it clearly works for the OP.

the “it’s unnecessary to get up so early” responses are bizarre - it’s hardly out there to go to the gym before work. A lot of people do this. I get up at 6am to walk the dog each day, if I don’t do it I feel all wrong!

But the point is not her routine, it’s the way the DP is being an arsehole about it. There needs to be a compromise because that’s what you do in an adult relationship.

Depriving a partner of sleep is a sign of abuse. Calling a partner names such as 'pathetic' is a sign of abuse. Are you sure this isn't an abusive relationship? Even if it isn't I wouldn't be staying with someone who called me pathetic and tried to alter my sleep schedule.

I'd chose sleep over a man any day!
I'd especially chose sleep over a man who called me pathetic and expected me to change my life to fit around him!

Me and my partner also are completely different when it comes to sleep, however he is very accepting of the fact I am an early bird so I like to go to sleep early. He likes to stay up and watch TV after work and I have no issue with this. I quite like my space in the morning to get sorted and ready, sometimes I make plans to do things on weekend mornings whilst he sleeps, then we go out afterwards. He gets up if he needs to ie. If we have made plans, but if no plans then he will sleep easily til noon on a weekend (he gets up early and works hard through the week).

I have no idea why your partner is calling you boring and pathetic for going to sleep early? That’s incredibly sad and disrespectful, he should not be talking about his partner like that!

I don't think either of you are getting enough sleep! If you do what he wants you'll end up permanently tired and will, eventually, have to give up an activity that's important to you. He shouldn't be pushing you to do this.

The two of you should be able to sit down and talk this through. If that can't happen I'd rethink the relationship.

The issue doesn’t sound like the sleep thing at all. The issue is that he is expecting you to do what he wants when he wants and is calling you names when you don’t want to do that.

I had an ex like that in my early 20s. It started with comments and I pretzelled myself to fit in with him. He thought there was something “wrong” with me.

He doesn’t sound very nice at all. A relationship should make you feel happy. It’s very early days and already you feel like this. It’s only going to get worse because he won’t ever see your point of view. Or try to.

He thinks you’re “pathetic” and “boring”? What a charmer he sounds.

I’m like you, OP, and enjoy being up early in the morning as it’s when I feel productive. I’m in bed most nights by 9/10pm as I’m done in by then and no good to anyone.

On the general preference side, none of you are unreasonable because these are just normal differences - some people are more productive later in the day or at night, and others are the opposite.

He completely lost any opportunity for a discussion when he started calling you names. He honestly sounds batshit and I’d bin him.

Calling anyone pathetic is bad enough. Leave

Forget whether your sleep habits are compatible.
He called you pathetic.
You wanna plan a future like this?

Why doesn’t he go to bed at 10 and get up and join you at the gym before work or on a run? It’s no less boring to stay up late watching tv than getting up in the morning to exercise. He sounds pretty pathetic frankly. But ultimately, you aren’t compatible. My guess is his staying up late involves drinking, maybe other substances occasionally, and you’d rather not and go to sleep and get up and do something healthy. That’s very obvious incompatibility. I couldn’t be dealing with that. At 22, sure, but not as a proper grown up.

7 months in, the honeymoon phase when he should be showing his best side and he calls you boring, pathetic and childish?
NO
Why are you allowing him to verbally insult you?
Its not about sleep its about him being an arsehole
Run

Who put him in charge of the sleep schedule? Why shouldn't he go to bed earlier and get up earlier to match you?
This isn't about sleep times. This is about him assuming that any changes made will be by you to suit him, then taunting you when you don't comply. No one wants to be 'boring' do they? So he's calling you that to make you do what he prefers. Red flag.