AIBU to think this is a bit much to ask for school run?

[Kim926]

Our next-door neighbours have a daughter in the same Reception class as my son.

We already help each other with school pick-ups occasionally, and I've been happy with that arrangement.

The mum is now increasing her working days to three days a week after maternity leave and has asked if, on those three mornings, they can leave their daughter with us before work so that I can take her to school with my son.

For a bit more context, the mum isn't unable to drive, but she doesn't drive. Her husband drives her to work, which is about 15 minutes away, and this is why they need someone else to take their daughter to school on those mornings.

They literally live next door and I'm obviously going to the same school anyway, so I know it might not sound like a huge extra task. I also have a two-year-old at home, though, and mornings with my own two children are already busy.

I think what has made me uncomfortable is that this isn't really an occasional favour or helping out in an emergency. It would be a regular three-day-a-week arrangement because of their change in working pattern. It feels a little like their childcare/school run responsibility is being transferred to us simply because we happen to live next door and our children attend the same school.

I also feel awkward saying no because we are literally next-door neighbours and I will inevitably see them at school drop-off on the days I've said I can't do it.

AIBU to think three mornings every week is quite a lot to ask of a neighbour? Or is this considered a fairly normal favour between families when the children go to the same school?

All 4 year olds should be in car seats or at least a HBB.

I once took a friend’s child for three months as a favour with parent working away… it changed the dynamic in our house as we do special advent calendars/treats from the elf etc and this child didn’t get that so I found myself holding back or buying extra etc. Our chats felt polite instead of spontaneous, literally hosting each morning and managing breakfast and meltdowns over things the parent forgot to send plus the day the child threw up and the mum said can I just keep her all day as she was at work and ‘it’s in your house now’ as if she wouldn’t have had to fetch them from school had it happened 30min later.

Ahh, OK. Well, this is a good time for her to try to get over it. I didn't drive for 15 years because of a phobia, but having a baby and a disability and living where public transport was rubbish forced me to address it. I just wanted to be able to take my toddler to places easily, like everyone else. Anyway, that's for her to decide, and whether she does tackle it or not is irrelevant, it's still not on to expect you to take this unpaid childcare on. It's too much to commit to, and you don't have to justify why you can't do it.

We had reciprocal school transport with various neighbours at different points. It was only transport so we were sent to the house a few minutes before they left for the school run so no childcare or getting ready. I don't think we even went into the house.

When I started high school I quite quickly worked out that one of the mums had a lower bar for "day off school" so if I was feeling ill enough to want to not be at school but not ill enough for my mum to let me have a day off I turn up looking sorry for myself and coughing. She would turn me around and tell my mum she didn't think I was well enough for school and I'd get the day off.

If something unexpected had happened and they needed help for the rest of term whilst they figured out a better plan I would probably say yes but surely they knew at some point this was going to happen?

What was their original plan?

They have an absolute idiot made of you.
I am so sorry OP.

You are being used as free childcare and will always have to factor in their child.

They are complete cheeky fxxkers.
Utter madness that you will regret, being dragged into their childcare.

I would say absolutely not.
I bet they wont let it go.
Cheeky fxxkers never accept no.
Stand firm.

Ask them what the quid pro quo will be?

This is the reality.
A huge imposition that she will never get, because she has avoided it.
No way would i entertain this.

Just say you don't mind helping out in an emergency but you can't commit to 3 days a week.

I have been stung so many times for lifts which are not returned.

But mornings are chaos. No way would I agree to another child to get out and on the school run.

I had this cfery about a month ago. DD's friend's mum asked me to take her DD to/from school as her car had died. DD was annoyed at me for saying no, because another friend's mum agreed. No way I was committing to that as it added another 30 minutes to my school run (they live a 15 min drive away, not next door!) and I just saw more work added to my plate with nothing being taken off it.

I did agree to pick them up for a concert about a week ago. The mum admitted a family member had bought her a car, but she refused it as 'she wanted to do things on her own'. Any twinge of guilt I had evaporated. I was quietly pissed off as a rare chance to spend time just DD & I had been hijacked, we'd had to shift our dinner plans around etc, to help someone who had refused a solution!

I've learned never commit to helping anyone who doesn't reciprocate. The expectation will increase in small increments & you'll end up being a free child minder.

It would be a no from me

Cant he drop her to work early then do all his own drop offs and pick ups, and you do all your own too. Say you're considering starting work yourself again and it'll be more awkward to undo the arrangement at that point.

What time would they need to drop child with you and what time do you leave for school?

Once you take on these kinds of favours they tend to escalate and are often not reciprocated when you yourself have a need.

Car pools are a life saver but this doesn't sound like there's any reciprocation and even my closest mum school pals wouldn't ask me to take their kid every week three times a week without there being some sort of quid pro quo, we all help each other out massively but there's always been an understanding that you don't use parent pals as permanent childcare that you depend on unless it's mutual. What happens when your kid is off sick? I am in a car pool and it's absolutely brilliant but we all take our share and cover each other's backs

This is what breakfast club is for

I'm sure you can work out a new mutually beneficial arrangement. It's only a change to the usual routine, not a whole new concept.

her driving to work would sort out this problem but a) for whatever reason she can't or won't b) it create a different problem they would then need two cars.

it sounds like you prefer them doing the mornings while you do the pick ups and you're not very happy to do it the other way round. Which I totally get but that no longer works for them.

I wouldn’t be touching this with a ten foot pole - it’s childcare and adding extra duties to your hectic morning.

If she knew she had an aversion to driving then they need to organise a childminder - not rely on neighbours doing the grunt work.

It’s hard as they are your neighbours so I would say - no that is asking too much for me each morning

Your neighbour needs to get a bus or bike to work

This will escalate to the kid needing breakfast, then a forgotten costume/book day/£1 to charity day/missing water bottle which will be your problem at the last minute.

This is the problem! I wouldn’t want anyone relying on me to the extent I was tied to a school run even if my own child was ill.

If it was a single parent family and there was no one else, I’d consider it, but they are taking the piss. They are a two parent family. Mum needs to adjust her working hours.

I'd work out what's bothering you. If it's the need for tit for tat then like others said, you need to ask for something in return. If it's genuinely that you don't want the responsibility or infrigement on your morning time three times a week, then just explain that it doesn't work for you to have that much responsibility for someone else's child on such a permanent basis. You're happy to help out one week a month or every two months, but the childcare needs to be split between more people than just you. Can also say you value your mornings with your own kids and don't want to change up your routine.

Do they only have one car as I can see the benefit of him dropping her at work if her taking the car means he is at home without one , that said I can’t see why he can’t drop his own kid to school if he has already put the 2 smaller ones in the car to take her to work .

Giving the child a lift is one thing, being asked to babysit prior to that is quite another. I think you need to make that delineation clear and conditional. Your mornings are probably frantic enough without being a child minder. They need to deal with said child up to and including putting into car - lift ok, child minding not.