AIBU to think this is a bit much to ask for school run?

[Kim926]

Our next-door neighbours have a daughter in the same Reception class as my son.

We already help each other with school pick-ups occasionally, and I've been happy with that arrangement.

The mum is now increasing her working days to three days a week after maternity leave and has asked if, on those three mornings, they can leave their daughter with us before work so that I can take her to school with my son.

For a bit more context, the mum isn't unable to drive, but she doesn't drive. Her husband drives her to work, which is about 15 minutes away, and this is why they need someone else to take their daughter to school on those mornings.

They literally live next door and I'm obviously going to the same school anyway, so I know it might not sound like a huge extra task. I also have a two-year-old at home, though, and mornings with my own two children are already busy.

I think what has made me uncomfortable is that this isn't really an occasional favour or helping out in an emergency. It would be a regular three-day-a-week arrangement because of their change in working pattern. It feels a little like their childcare/school run responsibility is being transferred to us simply because we happen to live next door and our children attend the same school.

I also feel awkward saying no because we are literally next-door neighbours and I will inevitably see them at school drop-off on the days I've said I can't do it.

AIBU to think three mornings every week is quite a lot to ask of a neighbour? Or is this considered a fairly normal favour between families when the children go to the same school?

No you should not commit to this @Kim926. Helping out in an emergency is fine but committing to it three times a week is too much. If ever you have your own crisis and need to rely on family or friends to help out you would be obliged to make sure their DD was covered too.

And you don't have to justify it. Just say you would prefer to stick to the current arrangement, and then stick to your guns.

YANBU. It’s too much. I’ve only ever asked my neighbour or another school run mum to very occasionally help me out when one of my children has been unwell at home but the other is well and needs to go to school. I also offer to do the same for them. If I needed 3 day a week cover I’d use the breakfast club.

Don’t do this. This is cheeky.
her new job is not your problem. They can get a childminder or pay for breakfast club.

What happens if your child is unwell and not able to go to school?

I had a similar request from a neighbour who wanted to rest during her pregnancy. I had 2 under 7 and could not entertain 2 more children. Hers were hard work too! I worried about what to say but in the end decided the truth was easier. I told her that I was sorry but didn’t want to arrange to look after her children on a permanent basis as I would find it stressful. But was still happy covering emergencies. She managed to get another neighbour to do it instead and she moaned about being trapped into this arrangement as she was taking her own children in at the same time! Don’t start anything permanent because you’ll be doing it for years!!! She can enquire about breakfast club like everyone else.

As your child gets older you’ll find the school run is actually quite important time. I tend to run through times tables, have chats about the day etc. it’s never quite the same when there are others (which does sometimes happen). I will always help out if things are tricky for others and vice versa but I wouldn’t want to get into a specific commitment of most days each week.

So they could bundle all the children in the car to drive mum to work rather than roping in two neighbours to do their wraparound childcare.

I can’t believe people accept jobs based on their neighbour helping them out.

If I had the brass neck to do this - I would at least say ‘I know it’s a big ask and I’ll give you £25 a week to cover the inconvenience.’

This is why I’m so glad I send my dc to a school 10mins away and not the one next door to me 🤣🤣

OP this is outrageously cheeky of her. You have enough on your plate!

If your child is sick, or your toddler is sick and so you're not able to go to school on one of the 3 days, she'll be the first one to complain.

Experience tells me this is a nightmare. What happens when your child wakes up with a cold or an upset stomach - would you still be expected to bundle your own sick child in the car and take theirs because it’s too short notice for them to make other plans? I know that seems difficult, but dropping a child ad hoc with a text to check if you can do it is one thing (as you can easily say not at that point), but an on-going commitment will be a onerous and lead to conflict and resentment.

Be a back up plan for emergencies for them, but I’d strongly advise against being their plan A. I did that, it became a 4 year commitment and when I said we needed to review, there were major histrionics and the mother of the children I had 3 days a week [ and 6-10 weeks a year when she traveled on business, for free] never spoke to me again.

I don’t think it’s that cheeky to ask but I also think it’s perfectly ok for you to say that you can’t help out. Just say that you are happy to do it occasionally on an emergency basis but that it’s already too hectic with your own kids. Don’t apologise or over explain.

Absolutely not for me. The mornings are enough with your own children without adding someone else’s into the mix. Do you have to drive them to school? I’d just say I’m not comfortable driving your child in case we had an accident etc. I think they are taking the piss tbh. If they can’t manage it between them they need to utilise breakfast clubs or childminders, not neighbours.

you have to manage your own children. They are taking the piss

I literally do exactly this for my neighbour. I am going to school anyway. Makes no difference really if im walking with an extra child. And it's nice to help people out.

There is literally no reason why dad can’t do the pick ups with 2 children. I would agree as long as dad picks up on the days you take. Then it’s the same as before and a fair arrangement.

I do agree that having some sort of reciprocal arrangement can be beneficial. I used to have another child on some mornings as her mum works shifts and she would have mine some afternoons as I also work shifts. It wasn’t even necessarily the same each week. Some weeks I’d have her child 3 days and she’d have mine 1. But the point was I knew I could call on her if I needed and she could me.
We did it for years and it worked really well for us

"Persephone, if I wanted three to wangle first thing on a morning, I'd have had three. Ask Hades to sort it, he's their Dad."

Is there a reason why three children are perfectly manageable for you, but not him? That Y chromosome is a b***d, isn't it?

I’ve had a similar situation with a neighbour. It was older children and a shorter term arrangement but it was still more than I wanted to commit to.

I said that I was happy to help ad hoc but didn’t want to commit to a formal arrangement. I said that life with the kids could be unpredictable so it wasn’t fair to over commit and that I hoped she could find someone else to help. She was good about it but I could tell she was a bit put out.

Its ok just not to want to do it and it’s ok to say no. It feels unfair but actually, being asked something like this is what unfair. It’s an unfair position to be in. Don’t give a list of reasons that they can see as problems to be solved. Just you can’t commit to a formal arrangement and hope they can sort something else out.

I'm the person who if I'm going that way anyway, then I'm quite happy to have people tag along (as long as they are nice) but mornings ugh. I wouldn't be able to commit to that. They are hard enpugh without dealing with other people's children too. I'd possibly agree 1 day but not 3 every week.

Reciprocal arrangement yes, otherwise no.

In theory, I am all in favour of this kind of shared arrangement. However, I ended up taking my friends child to ballet occasionally when she had a lot of work on. That then turned into me taking him to ballet every single week and she got later and later at dropping him to me so I ended up in a real flap trying to rush my two kids out of the door plus him to get them there on time. Because I had a toddler that was awkward about getting out of the door anyway, the whole thing became really stressful. The moral of the story was I ended up wishing I had not agreed to it!

7.30! Bloody hell. Firm no from me.

I think this has the potential to be a mess. If she doesn't want to drive, she could get a taxi or cycle. Inconveniencing you like this, possibly for years, isn't on!

I'd just say "I think it's simplest if we each make arrangements for our own children."

“50/50 was working well for us. Which days would you be able to pick them up and we’ll see if we can take them to school if that would help you guys out.”

Also, do try to spend some time with your child driving them on your own. As others have said, it’s a time to talk. Invaluable.