AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

I can see your boyfriend’s point, and I think he would be better off without you and your friends. Do him a favour and let him go, he can find someone who has a bit more respect. I’m the biggest feminist out there, and will call out misogyny any day of the week. But I think you are wrong to say the same thing said to a woman would be different. Respect works both ways, and you clearly don’t respect him.

OP asked him to come.

Your friend is rude. Why couldn't she pour the drinks? Does she have a broken arm? You know you'd be pissed off if it was the other way round just because the sexes are reversed doesn't mean it's okay.
If I were your bf I'd probably end the relationship because you and your friends have zero respect for him.

If DH’s mates would’ve said that to me in such a situation, I would’ve told them to fuck the fuck off. He is entitled to his feelings. He’s also allowed to express them as long as he’s not abusive,rude etc. You are entitled to break up with him if you you can’t handle that or want someone that is more on your wavelength.

I don’t think he wants to be ‘the man’ just that he is a man and doesn’t like being referred to as a child.

Don’t people say “hey girl” “girl, bye” “bad boy” “good girl” “gal pal” “guys” “hey chick” “good lad” “old boy” “boy” “girl” “good woman” “hen” “cock” and so on? No offence taken to any of those, where I come from.

This would be my take. I'm old and get called girl all the time. It's not a slight and, in that context, nor is him being called a boy.

Far too thin skinned for my taste. Red pill boy.

You're a feminist.
How can you not see that this guys got more red flags than a communist parade?

1, Girlfriend, foolishly I admit, asks him to tag along.
Most men would politely refuse to attend something which is essentially all girls together time.
You go and have a good time, would be the standard response of a mentally healthy man with boundaries.

Don't you think that's odd that's he's attending this? I do.

2, Instead of just shrugging it off and putting it down to a mix of alcohol and high spirits, he automatically interprets it as meant in a negative way. No giving the benefit of the doubt.

Or he says he's offended.
Probably to make OP feel bad.

So far it's straight out of the controlling abuser handbook.

Offence would definitely be taken in my area if I called someone cock!

I don’t tend to use any of those phrases, though.

Some people need to lighten the fuck up.

In a jokey/bunter context, I think referring to each other as boy/girl is fine, and just light-hearted.

However, in a serious context, such as in the workplace, it's not ok to belittle either sex.

In this context, it was fine and just a bit of banter, so yes, your boyfriend's reaction seems a bit full on. What's he like generally in terms of his view of women? Does he see men/women as equals, or does he see men as being superior to women? If the latter, perhaps your friend ordering him about, albeit even as banter, rubbed him up the wrong way, and yes, I'd see that as a red flag.

It wasn’t an actual order, it was a joke. I could see some of my male friends saying this if we were in a group having a laugh. Difference is I’d take if as a joke and say ‘yeah right get your own drink, what did your last slave die of’.

Thin-skinned or an abuser.

To be fair, though, not sure Andrew Tate and his ilk would gatecrash a girls trip.

He sounds like a little wuss. Put him in the bin.

These comments are ridiculous. Yes it's a red flag but not because he thinks boys are inferior (that's a bit of a strange thing to think). Like it or not, most men are more laid back about this sort of banter than women are because that's how a lot of men speak to each other. They're generally easier to be around because they don't take offence as easily. I could not be doing with a man who constantly had hissy fits and who I had to tread on eggshells around.

even if it’s not racist it is still has strong vibes of patronising servitude

Red flags yes - but I’m not sure they are coming from your BF. Cant get the dynamics really - inviting your BF away on a weekend with friends ? Thats odd IMV as it totally changes the dynamic. As to your friend’s comment - yes, under the circumstances it was demeaning, and as others have said - imagine if the sexes were reversed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he he rethinking his relationship with you.

How did you ask him? Did he jump at the chance to go?

Is he black? This is extremely racist in some places, and I'd think his reaction was reasonable

It’s belittling and sounds like it was said to get a laugh at his expense. And he doesn’t like it - his prerogative. If you think he should just suck it up, then clearly he’s not for you.

And what if the person who is saying it is of the same race as the one being called " boy". How's it " racist" then?

I've heard it used often in certain parts of the world

But he’s not a boy? It’s grating to be called one especially by someone he hardly knows.

It's belittling in the context of being part of an order. If someone said to you "Girl, go and fetch me a drink", wouldn't it sound to you as if you were being treated as a servant?

So try doing it somewhere like a pub or restaurant.

He sounds like a whiny little twat.

Or looked at another way:

1, man gets invited by his partner to a weekend away with her friends. He, assuming that when his partner invites him to something she actually wants him to be there, agrees. Because otherwise he'd have guess that when his partner invites him to something he's supposed to intuit that she doesn't actually want him to be there and that he should refuse. That would, of course, be ridiculous, infantile, game-playing bullshit on the part of the OP which would be straight out of the controlling abuser handbook.

2, While there one of his partner's friends, who he doesn't know particularly well if at all, says something rude and inconsiderate. He doesn't shout, storm off, or get offensive back. He simply points out that what the friend said was rude. This is, of course, straight out of the grown-up who expresses their feelings in a mature way handbook.

3, OP's friendship group is so used to that particular friend pulling this kind of stunt they are taken aback when someone points out that an offensive comment is actually offensive. He's rocking the boat and, god knows, they don't dare to have that boat rocked. They might be the next target. So instead of employing a bit of basic human empathy and considering his feelings, they talk about him behind his back and decide that he just can't take a joke. Trying to pass off an offensive comment as just a joke is also straight out of the controlling abuser handbook.

Of course, I'm editorialising wildly here. But then so were you.