AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

…

I immediately thought this. And I'm not remotely woke or whatever the term is these days.

If your friend already knew him, and they wanted him there, why wasnt he invited in the first place?
I imagine your girls trip was arranged first and then you asked if he could come, and invited him.
Your friends also didnt invite their boyfriends/husbands, because if they did, you would have mentioned it already.
So your boyfriend was the only fella on a girls trip.
That is concerning that you felt it appropriate to invite him.
By doing this, your friends probably either think that you can't spend any time away from him, or he can't spend any time away from you.
That probably led to your friend talking to him like he was a joke.
On top of that, you then defended your friend and minimised his feelings.

Asked DH how he'd feel and he said that if he was with me and some of our close mutual female friends he'd get the joke (in our case it would be flippantly subverting the usual patriarchal/racial power dynamic). This is because he's known us all for a decade or more and there's a shared history, context and trust among all of us.

If he was with a new girlfriend and her mates and one of them said it, he said he'd feel belittled and awkward.

It's not the sort of joke you make to someone you don't know well.

It definitely is not normal to invite your boyfriend to join an already booked women only three night trip. That's imposing massively on the other women and the group dynamic. Quite likely they were a bit pissed off that she decided to use the trip to show them her boyfriend.

If my DHs mate said "get the drinks poured, girl" to me, my reaction would not have been as gentle as your BFs. It is disrespectful.

So it was like a command like when someone is talking to their dog. 🐕?

I'm with your partner - good for him for standing up for himself. It sounded pretty demeaning to me and I wouldn't have stood for being addressed that way if roles were reversed.

Is your friend always so cocky? People who think it's ok to make this type of comment usually treat anyone not in their inner most circle this way, I find.

Get rid of him.

You've said that you're all white so there's no racist overtones going on.

He's either a humourless twat or, much worse, he is abusive.

Imagine having to watch yourself all the time. Not saying this, not saying that.

It's not comparable to calling a woman a girl at all.
As that is sometimes done to diminish women. We all know that.

No woman diminishes a man by calling him a boy in humour.

Some situations when genders are flipped are very much not the same.

Oversensitive fun sponge or abuser.

But it isn't a racist term? The court judgement says it COULD be a racist term depending on context. An employer that calls his black male employees boy and not the white ones is clearly racist. Making a joke that he is a boy and should get the drinks is not the same. A boy is the word we use in English for male child, you can't just say no one can ever use that term again because one man has used it in a racist way.

It's demeaning...echos of slaves and underlings.
If the situation wss reversed. Would you like him and his mates to address you as wench, bring the drinks wench..and then dismiss it as just banter?

If you you don't see this as a problem, then you are the problem and he should be seeing red flags from you...

Totally agree. F*ng weirdo wanting to go on a girls trip.
To keep an eye on OP, no doubt.

Call him a baby next time

Minimised his feelings?
I would understand if he were black but he is white.

He's a wet blanket or an abuser.
Most normal men would shrug this off not go in a mood over it.

The OP needs to get rid ASAP.
Soon she won't even be able to piss without his permission.

If one of his friends order you to pour him drinks "pour the drinks, girl"
im sure this thread would be going in a different direction.

I’m surprised at myself but I actually see his point.
Group of guys saying “pour our drinks girl” ….I wouldn’t be happy about that either.

Ps mistake to take him or any guy on a girls trip

Of course it's a red flag.
I don't mean to be disrespectful but in this instance racism is a red herring
and it doesn't really work to flip the genders.

@Poppies2222x said that she invited him rather than him asking to attend. It sounds as though she's the one who suggested this inappropriate and socially awkward tag-along, but maybe she can clarify? @Poppies2222x ?

It’s weird he’s gone along on the trip unless there are other boyfriends. Did he insist or did you want to take him along?

clearly your friend made a jokey comment, I’d see his reaction as embarrassing and awkward. It’s the sort of thing that should have just been laughed off, especially early on in a relationship.

Did you suggest he tag along or did he?

It does make a difference - if it was you it was inappropriate but if it was him it could throw his reaction on the trip into a more disturbing light?

I think that you are correct. As a misguided attempt to get to know him.

Doesn't alter the fact that he is weird as hell for accepting, though.

Probably hated to see OP enjoy herself.

'Oh we must leave, your friends have upset me' vibes.

Boy means servant/ a lowly person, or someone under the age of 18.

I am quite male-socialised and 'boy' can frequently be used to pick a fight with someone on a night out. Like 'what are you gonna do about it, BOY?' It's a putdown.

Only positive context I can think of is 'boys' weekend/ boys' trip'.

Meanwhile girl has lots of positive connotations. Women refer to each other as girls all the time and use words like 'girly' etc. I'm not that young and still don't usually refer to myself or other women my age as women. Also phrases like 'you go girl' etc.

Girl is acceptable and even desired by some in a way that boy really isn't. I can't think of a man who'd like to be called a boy, especially to their face.

I wouldn't say it's a red flag, you are dealing with a guy that has boundaries and actually communicates, not just goes 'I'm fine' even though something's clearly bothering them.

If someone would order me around in that manner, i wouldn't like it either. It's the friend that's ordering adults to do stuff in an inconsiderate way that's 'ruined the mini break' IMO.

It was rude and belittling. If he perceived it as such he's entitled to express how he feels. If you're excusing it it says quite a lot about your lack of respect for him.

Given it sounds like he gatecrashed your girls’ weekend, he’s not in a position to moan about a little light banter.