AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

nah....they are CF's they will take that as an opportunity to argue about it. The answer is "sorry no" rinse and repeat

My DD's dress was $495, not including jewelry, shoes, gloves. This was in 1996. She is tall and many of the prom dresses were just too short. This one actually had to be shortened. Have no clue where it is now.

Exactly. I have bitter experience of that too. Bought a beautiful silk 'any occasion' dress that I'd never worn. My sister came round to my house, begged and pleaded and I gave in. I had to ask her for it back - and had to collect it too, to add insult to injury. She'd worn it, bunged it in the washer and handed me back the shrivelled, heavily creased lump of cloth. NEVER loan anything you love or value yourself...including books. goods or money = GIVE if you can afford to.

I personally wouldnt lend a dress. Or want to borrow one.

How on earth can you be sure that the girl would be extra careful with OP's DD's dress? OP has said that they are careless people and yet you, a complete stranger to them, apparently knows more about them than OP does.

Anyway, OP's DD doesn't want to lend her dress and OP supports her decision.

Fond memory…

I had a friend once who borrowed a very cute outfit from me. It was my favourite at the time.
When she returned it, she wore it over to my house instead of bringing on a coathanger.
She thought I would simply supply her with another outfit to wear back home.
She’d gotten black stains on the front that looked like grease - they looked like grease, and wouldn’t come out.
The outfit was ruined.
She lived 2 streets over and since she could walk down the alleys, I showed her the door in the her knickers and bra.

She said sorry but she couldn’t manage to say “thank you for loaning me your favourite outfit.”

I am sorry your outfit got ruined but I LOVE your reaction

If the other child can't afford a dress, there are loads on vinted. I've just kitted myself out for a 'high society' event for £35. I'd expect at least £600 if I bought new. This isn't you or your daughter's responsibility to fix. The other girl needs to discover vinted and sort herself out.

I suppose it depends on what values you want to pass on. Teaching children to be kind, is an invaluable gift. The dress will be irrelevant in a year or two.

I'd say yes ok, as long as if I am.not happy with the condition when returned, no quibbling, the cost is £400. Or just say no, she plans wearing it to many events and doesn't want to share it.

The fact that they're trying to pressure your daughter after she's said no tells me all I need to know about these cheeky fuckers 🤣

It's not on the same level at all, but I once loaned a pair of earrings that I loved to a friend for a party and she wrecked them! They were feathery from Top shop or something but were special to me as a 15 year old. Do we think my friend apologised appropriately or offered to replace or pay for them?

I'm glad your daughter is standing her ground.

This ^^^

Point them in the direction of Vinted - and YNBU!!

In my head I have decided it’s a Nadine merabi dress. It helps me decide what I would do!
i absolutely would not lend to anyone . Not a soul. Ever.

im shocked how many people would lend such an expensive dress!

All the people saying lend the dress, and that the OP's daughter is being precious not to, how do you feel about wedding dresses? For most people it's the most expensive piece of clothing they've bought and the majority never wear it again. Should the first in a group of friends to marry buy the dress, and then it can just get passed around the rest if it fits? Or are brides allowed to love their dress and want to keep it to themself?

£500 is a very expensive dress, so I wouldn't lend it to anyone, whereas a £50 dress I'd probably be happy to lend, but even then if I really loved it and couldn't replace it I wouldn't want to.

Teaching children that they are allowed to say no and mean it is an invaluable gift.

So because the OP is nor forcing her daughter to hand over a very expensive, special personal possession that she does not want to loan, she in't teaching her daughter to be kind? We should teach our children to say yes to everything, should we? It's OK to say no sometimes. Especially when people are demanding that we fufill a want and not a need.

Edited to say: Do you not think the family members should be instilling some manners in their offspring by not demanding other people's things, especially things they cannot afford to replace should something happen?

Go OP’s DD. To be honest this is what’s wrong with the world -“ I can’t afford it but I should be able to use yours”
No fuck off, I’ve worked hard/saved hard or been given a lovely gift why do you think you have any entitlement to it? And then be pissed off when my decision doesn’t go your way? That in itself is a red flag…

My daughter is kind, but she also knows that she can say no if she doesn’t want to do something. That is a good value to have, especially for a woman. Being kind isn’t just doing things that you don’t want to, to please others.

The dress isn’t irrelevant now, she plans to wear again soon. It’s not two years time, we are allowed to like things now.

you're teaching your daughter to stand by the boundaries that she sets and that's completely fine.

As for the "it's better to give than receive" brigade.... what utter crap. So who would replace the dress or cough up the £500 if the person ruined it? They've already said they can't afford to buy their own.

We have about 8 evening dresses. Have lent a couple out - came back dirty, and another stretched. No way would I my DD's lend out a £500 dress that they still wanted for their own future use.

Well done to your daughter!!!

Oh, and there's a big 2nd hand market or loan companies. Plus charities that provide dresses for girls struggling.

Stop trolling.

Don’t do it! I was put in an awful position (so much relentless pressure) by all of DH’s family to lend my wedding dress to SIL because she essentially left it too late to get her own. (I now realise, many years later, that she is just unutterably tight and had had her eye on it all along). It was returned with stains and sweat patches that dry cleaning didn’t successfully remove (she “forgot” to wear deodorant on her wedding day 🤯). I would never, ever again lend any of my things unless I no longer wanted them. As you say - the kindness they want and demand only goes in their direction.

You missed out on all the “OP should buy the girl a dress” and “OP should donate money towards a dress…”
No. OP bought the dress for her daughter, a beautiful gift to treasure, not to be lent to any family member with a sob story.
Life is tough and we all have choices, if the dress was damaged then who will pay out for repairs or a new one?
Let’s not forget the tale of the iconic one of a kind dress that was tailor made for Hollywood royalty. The historic dress that was stitched onto a beautiful woman but then was hired by a reality show star with a very voluptuous figure, the dress was given back damaged and was priceless.

‘I’m so sorry, we aren’t lending that dress out because it was so expensive, I know you’ll understand’.

Then forget it and ignore any further messages. I wouldn’t lend anything I couldn’t afford to buy again and I’ve found that once you really say no, people generally don’t ask twice.

We bought an expensive prom dress for our daughter, in the understanding she would also wear it a few months later for the wedding of my sister - her aunt. It was never bought as a "disposable" item to be lend to whoever asked for it. It's rather timeless and our daughter has been using it on several occasion. I think every parent should do as they seem fit to, for a prom a simple dress can be very becoming.

except this lot have asked multiple times.