AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

I have developed a policy - only lend something if you are prepared it might come back damaged or not at all. So no and keep saying no.

Precisely - and even more so given their entitled and bullying attitude

You can hear it now: "That stain was there already" ... "It's only a little tear" ... "Well that's just what teenagers are like isn't it", and probably some reference to MH issues/ADHD if OP dared to complain

If the relative buys her own dress she will no doubt look after it. Her parents need to buy their daughter a dress. I could practically guarantee something bad will happen to a borrowed dress. Many people on here have said the same .I would not want to loan any of my clothes out to anyone .Surely no matter where the family get their daughter's dress part of the fun is going out/looking online for a dress their DD wants. There are plenty of ways to buy a less expensive dress. Her family need to use their imagination. Maybe being a different size could be one way out of it. If the other girl is taller then the dress would not be suitable to loan. I would think most Mum's want their daughter to choose her own dress .I would advise do not loan it out. The relative might even deliberately ruin the beautiful dress. If the event is soon you could say Oh it is at the cleaning company so we can keep it pristine.

Why do these family members even think borrowing the dress is a possibility?
If it was them that brought it up, I would just completely ignore them.
I worked in costume rental, and the possibilities for it getting damaged are endless- also unless the girls are very similar in size and shape it would need altering then putting back- a considerable expense.

Even if I was considering lending someone a dress the fact they got other people involved and bitched to them about me would make it the end of that!

Well, a High Street t shirt or dress, maybe - but not a special £500 one she couldn't afford to replace - and that may be special to her.

You can help people, sure, but that doesn't mean you accede to every daft request from cheeky, pushy people.

How that will go:
Look after the dress please.
Here you go, all done.
But, its torn/ripped/stained.
Oh its not that bad.
Yes it is. Please replace it.
Oh stop being dramatic. Anyway, I can't, so tough.
But you promised, dd is heartbroken.
Its just a dress. Suck it up.
She runs to your mutual relatives to complain what a cow you are.

I can safely say nobody has ever asked me to borrow any of my clothes, other than my own kids, eg bag/shoes/some items of clothing which I generally don’t mind but tell them if it’s something I really love and they will often not choose that as they don’t want to be responsible for it!

If I had the most beautiful dress/bag/shoes that I’d spent a lot of money on, adored and wanted to wear many more times, there’s no way I’d lend it out. If someone asked me and whinged/got other people to continue to ask me once I’d said no, they wouldn’t be the sort of person I’d trust to value my wishes, let alone my valuables!

Are they still asking, @DeathByZaraTrousers?

My mother and sister never asked, they just took it.

If all the pious virtue signalling commenters on here donated £10 to a Go Fund Me set up for the entitled CF family they could afford to buy the daughter her own dress.

I used to be a people pleaser and learnt the hard way that at times it was detrimental to myself.
The pious be kind crew are probably the type who take a photo of themselves on an empty train to tell the world via social media that they gave up their table seat for someone who got on the train with a family sized KFC bucket and how the whole world should learn to do better.
I often do good deeds but don’t feel the need to advertise it or lecture others.

This isn't a comparable situation. Your daughter took the initiative by volunteering. She wanted to bring someone happiness when otherwise there is no other way the girl could have attended. And she did so of her own volition. OP's family member clocked someone else's dress, decided that she had a right to what she wanted simply because she'd asked for it, been told an unambiguous 'no', and carried on pushing and demanding. That's a different attitude entirely.

I'd be proud of your DD if she were mine. And if OP's DD were mine I'd teach her that is is okay not to be a walkover, and that people rarely respect you for it. The first attitude is commendable and kind, the second is ceding to somone else's sense of entitlement. There's a large difference.

If I'd borrowed a special dress it would be returned dry-cleaned, and if I did accidentally damage it I'd recompense them in full. It's disappointing but unsurprising to read so many stories of items being returned damaged or not at all. Unfortunately, given the inability of OP's family member to hear 'no', if ill-luck did befall this dress you can bet your boots they'd fall into the latter camp.

No means no.

Do you have a dress to lend?

@DeathByZaraTrousers problem solved! I know it’s not actually your problem, but let’s gloss over that.

@stillhiding1990 get the young woman’s address and you’ll be able to post it directly to her. It’ll make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside which is unfortunate because you’re probably having a heatwave too, but never mind!

What is wrong with people on here? Whatever your thoughts on the topic, why the nasty tone to everything? Comments pointed at others instead of just giving your opinion. We are not discussing anything of any real significance and I’m sure none of us are evil 🤷‍♀️

I would 100% let the less fortunate girl borrow the dress as I have done in the past with dresses. I'm sure given the situation she would be extra careful & it can be dry cleaned afterwards.

How are you so sure?

A member of my.husbands family asked if they could borrow my wedding dress. I thought on my feet and said I had put it up for sale but I would give her first refusal. She didn't ask again.

Hey OP we have another one! @Luvnhugs just PM your details to the OP and she will pass them on.

There is enough bitterness in the world without interpreting the 'I would lend the dress' posts here as pious.

I already have

My daughter got a beautufull prom dress,i
Paid £300.00,,i said to her lets sells it ,ive just asked her ,would you lend your prom dress to your best friend,She said No.
Just ask your daugher and she whats she says ?

It’s your daughter’s dress. Her decision is final.

After my dad being the only lawnmower owner in his little section of houses (yes! i know a lawn mower is different!) it kept coming back broken and dad bought another only to be asked can i borrow it but when he bought a lovely one his neighbour was wanting to borrow it within a few days and I remember him saying "if you break it can you afford to replace it?" the neighbour said "yes!" dads reply was "Go and buy your own then!" he must have been having a bad day but the guy never asked again . If he had lent it out they'd be back again. be firm, use my dads phrase, and they can get lost ! x

Her daughter has already said she doesn't want anyone lending it.

Such a good point! 👏