AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

It’s not your duty to provide another child with a dress never mind an expensive one . The parents have a duty to provide for their child not you .

Because her daughter loves her dress, continues to wear it on suitable occasions and it was a present from her parents. The relative can't afford to replace the dress if it gets ruined.

OP's daughter has said that she doesn't want to lend her dress and that should be the end of it.

If someone is cheeky and entitled enough not to accept your daughter's "no", they're unlikely to be the person who takes great care of the dress either.

Anyone can ask to borrow but you have to accept the decline. I'm with you and your DD on this, OP. There are other ways to get nice dresses, Vinted is full of them.

This is so pious, it actually made me laugh. This isn't OP's dress to lend. It's her 17-year old daughter's special dress and she doesn't want to lend it. These relatives are careless with money and other things so the likelihood is that the dress will get ruined at an 18th birthday party where lots of teenagers are drinking to excess.

yes, a stonker of a triple virtue signal....MN should frame this one.

Ha, yeah. I too am hugely generous with other people's expensive belongings.

Mind blown at buying an 18 year old a 500 quid designer dress for "prom"

it's not unusual. 500 is not expensive as I noticed recently looking at an advert for a retailer of prom dresses

Can you not just buy a normal glam dress from eg zara 😅

You can demand it be replaced all you want, but 10p says they either minimise the damage/value of the dress, outright ignore your demands or just refuse to pay because family.

Never a lender or borrower be

why do you get to judge what other people spend their money on and how is this relevant?

I probably wouldn't lend such an expensive dress unless it was a really close friend. I have in the past lent clothes and I've been burned a few times. One time I gave a friend 3 dresses to try on and never saw any of them again. Another time I was living with housemates and a designer dress of mine went missing. It showed up in a place I know I looked once I told everyone it was my late mothers dress and I was absolutely frantic.

Yes but sometimes people don't want to and don't have to. I'm sure if I looked at all your expenditures, I could find a few things you could have got cheaper versions of elsewhere but presumably you bought stuff you wanted and could afford as opposed to the very cheapest thing that would suffice.

Vinted and charity shops are cheaper than Zara anyway, you spendthrift. Why do you need new stuff? Second hand not good enough for you?

Your mind will be even more blown when you realise that it was for year 11 prom so OPs daughter would have been 16. Why are you making judgy comments? Why can’t parents buy their kids nice things? Unlike the cheeky relatives, OP didn’t expect anyone else to buy a dress for her daughter, she did it herself.

It's the entitlement that pisses me off and makes me not want to do something. I can't stand it when people feel entitled to my time, things and help. I'd stick to my no. If they'd been gracious about the no in the first place, and I trusted them with my things, I'd probably change my mind and let them borrow the dress.

Exactly and OP says they couldn’t pay for it if it was damaged anyway so it would be pointless demanding anything. OP and her daughter are right not to lend the dress.

Yeah this, we are all noth bothered on clothes so would happily lend anything but you push me its a no immediately

Yes. Great question for the girl’s parents instead of trying to make OP’s daughter lend her dress for free when she doesn’t want to.

Even if they had been gracious and were careful, things can still happen. With people, drinking, smoking and partying, the dress could be easily be damaged with a drink or burn mark. It may happen without you even realising at the time.

Exactly!

So, supposing it does get damaged. You say to them "its damaged- please replace it" and they say "no, we cant afford to- thats why we borrowed it in the first place"

What then? you cant force someone to cough up the money for a replacement and surely, if they had a spare £500 they would have bought their own damn dress in the first place.

Relying on people like this replacing the item is incredibly naive

Tell the girl to use Vinted.

I agree with all of this.

She's said no, so that's the end of it.

Nothing wrong with lending stuff out but she shouldn't feel pressured into doing so either. I remember at my wedding my eldest wore her prom dress for it, and my sister was moaning that she had nothing to wear and couldn't afford to get anything. My eldest offered to lend her a dress she had for her birthday which she accepted. My daughter ended up going to hers after my wedding due to an emergency which ended up with my then 2year old being taken to hospital, so her dress ended up being left at my sisters along with the prom dress(my sister moved and put a bunch of stuff into storage including my daughter's two dresses)and she never got them back, my sister told her eventually she may aswell keep them now as they would no longer fit my daughter. Now she won't lend anything out again.

So many people on this thread, twisting themselves into human pretzels, trying to find a way for OP to provide a dress - everything from deposits, to 'be kind' bullshit, to taking the other girl shopping!

This is not to OP's problem to solve.Her daughter doesn't want to lend it and that's where OP's involvement should begin and end. She's quite rightly said no and it's not her responsibility to fix this for cheeky fuckers who won't accept 'no'.

The other family need to buy their own daughter a dress. Problem solved. They aren't owed anything from the OP!