To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

Why not? Don't you exist as a person in your own right? Do you think it's teaching them good values that they can have anything of yours that they fancy?

@HotCrossBunplease Yes - you have perfectly articulated my feelings there - it’s about the disappointment and that sense of, I thought I’d raised someone a bit more thoughtful and respectful than that? It’s shaken me a little for that reason, I think. Thank you for understanding. You’ve restored my faith in MN 😀

Apologies are just words, yes. Immediately buying a new dress and paying for fast delivery are actions, however. How would you have preferred for her to resolve it? Or are you saying that the situation was entirely irredeemable?

Evidently so 😂

Luv ya Mum 🤣🤣🤣

What’s incorrect on my behalf?

You lent a dress. It got sold. It’s been replaced. Why do you need to carry on like this?

She didn't say it was a brand new dress?

Personally, I would have expected an apology for doing it, a reasonable explanation as to why she thought it was ok to do it AND a replacement dress. Then I would put it behind me. It's unresolved for OP because the girl didn't apologise or explain. Just having a version of her dress back doesn't erase the disrespect of her DD's actions.

Reading this thread - and the other thread about the CF asking to borrow a £500 prom dress I’m seriously glad I had boys…

Yes, see OP’s most recent post. The shift in her perception of her DD can’t be undone; she will move past it eventually I’m sure, but buying a new dress does not undo the original act.

Ah ok. Sad that people can’t be forgiven for mistakes though, even if they’ve taken all the steps possible to make it right.

Yes - another one who understands- thanks @RoseField1

Apart from actually apologising?

Ah yes, because 2 people complaining about their daughters means that all daughters are awful. Presumably you must have been an awful daughter too!
Famously, no son has ever done anything wrong, of course.

What’s incorrect is that you stated I “just want people to pile on my daughter”. That’s quite an unpleasant (and wildly incorrect) judgement about my (assumed) character.

Someone upthread said that apologies are ‘just words’. To me, replacing the dress immediately would be more valuable than an apology. Of course the OP may feel differently.

Perhaps read her posts? For a start, it turned out there wasn’t even an apology.

An apt username here 😄

She’s given an explanation. She didn’t think her mum wanted it back. Why is everyone pretending that a loan vs gift misunderstandings has never happened before in the history of the world and there is no way it could have?

A simple.misunderstandingbwhich your DD has instantly remedied. In our house we would have laughed about this.
It's really no big deal.

It’s the impression you gave me as well. Maybe you should reflect on why more than one person has come to that conclusion, because you’re right - it IS unpleasant.

@Mischance oh wow. You’d have laughed about an adult member of the family selling another family member’s belongings, when it had been made clear at the point of lending that it was indeed a loan and important to that person? I find that odd, to be honest. It’s not really a laughing matter, surely?

Don't be gaslit OP.
I have a daughter that age and I too would be stunned if she sold an item of mine that dhe borrowed.

Irrespective of whether the status was unclear, who does that.

Extremely thoughtless as is the lack of apology.

I wouldn't be impressed and I would tell that it is not something she should ever do with anyone's property.

Very basic courtesy to double check with the owner.

Glad she is replacing it.

If a friend did it to her, i bet she wouldn't be impressed.

I think this would be what upset me more than anything else.

It’s outrageous that anyone would think it was ok to sell something that they’d borrowed from someone else, and I don’t believe that any of the posters here would be so blasé about it in real life if it happened to them. It’s easy to pretend otherwise when it’s not your kid who has done it. But teens and early twenties can be spectacularly selfish and entitled, and she has replaced it, albeit a slightly different version.

I think it would bother me more that she doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t sell other people’s things, or that doing so would warrant a massive apology. I think you might have missed your window to have that discussion with her though. The time to say something was when she’d told you she’d sold it. A loud Wtf were you thinking, how dare you would have done the trick. Your only real option now is to sit her down, say you know she’s replaced it, but it has really shocked you that she’s the sort of person who would think doing that was acceptable and you want to know that she understands why you can’t go around doing that to other people’s things. Either that or refuse to lend her anything ever again and tell her you can’t trust her with it.

@Tinycatclub
and others are able to see the actual situation and understand my viewpoint - so no, I don’t need to do any reflecting on why there are people in the world who can’t read / comprehend/ make assumptions/ project. That’s not a me issue, therefore no self reflection needed 🙂