To think DP is being homophobic?

[ComfyComet]

DS is 22, DP isn't his bio dad but we've been together since he was 12, living together since he was 17. He has 2 boys of his own 14 and 12.

DS is gay and we only found out recently that he has a bf as the friend wasn't out to anyone, this is the first time meeting him as they met at uni (DS has just finished his last year and is planning to do his masters) and he's now home for the summer.

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he seems nice enough but he's very quiet which is fine but DP has said it's rude that he isn't talking to us

On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery and then a few days later it got infected so he had to go to hospital again he's still staying with us and recovering.

Tomorrow SC are due to come for the weekend and DP is saying he wants bf to go home before then as “it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met” I personally don't think this is the reason. He's been going on about how DS’s room was a mess yesterday and blamed bf although DS said it was him as he was sorting things for vinted. Dp also said I shouldn't cook a meal for someone who hasn't spoke much as yesterday I cooked dinner and both ds and his bf had some but DS has been doing most the cooking for them

AIBU ti think he's being homophobic but just making excuses to try and cover it up

Yes it's rare, but his family should be the ones helping him with his recovery, not OPs family.. the reasons OP has been given for him not disclosing his illness to his parents (because they will find out where he is, don't know he is gay, and for some reason won't believe OPs son is actually his friend) just aren't good enough reasons IMO.

When I had appendicitis it took weeks for me to function normally.

The fixation on a STRANGE MAN in the house is almost as insulting as the assumption that someone recovering from an appendectomy will be having loud sex day and night. He's the OP's son's partner, not a stranger who's randomly rocked up at the house. To operate on the assumption that he's a sex predator is a really paranoid way of thinking. (And the poor understanding of statistics throughout this thread is just stupid.)

Anyway, OP's partner is certainly being rude and inhospitable, and I think she's correctly sensed an undercurrent of homophobia - at present this may be insinuated rather than explicit but she should prepare herself for him to become less subtle if she lets it slide. I would certainly assume that the root of his desire for the boyfriend to leave isn't because he's conscientious about safeguarding but because he doesn't want his sons to catch the gay.

"Good enough" in what sense? They're obviously the real reasons. Surely you can't be ignorant of the fact that many LGBT people are unable to be out to their families?

Disliking someone for being gay is homophobia. Having a problem with LGBT+ is homophobia.

so It sounds like the bf knows the reaction of his parents won’t be positive

Not at all, he travelled to OPs house on Friday and came down with appendicitis on the Saturday. Why on earth could he not say he's travelled down to see his mate in whatever location Saturday and fell ill?? I can stay with my mate but I'll need to get back etc.

Now because they've left it so long, he can't go home, his family don't know about his boyfriend, don't know where he is, don't know he's been ill, OP won't make him travel on his own, seem unwilling to take him wherever he needs to be, and now when it's all better (whenever that is!) presumably it's going to all have to be a big secret that OP's son is also going to have to lie about and keep secret. Oh and the son starts a job on Monday, presumably leaving his boyfriend in the house.

His lack of outness to his family, should not be OPs problem and it certainly shouldn't be causing a problem to the other family member that live/stay there, I think OPs DP has done well to accept what has happened so far at face value in fairness, I'd be wanting to know now what is happening to sort it out.

So it's normal and reasonable not to want any gay PDA but only sometimes if it's straight?

That's homophobia

The fixation on a STRANGE MAN in the house is almost as insulting as the assumption that someone recovering from an appendectomy will be having loud sex day and night. He's the OP's son's partner, not a stranger who's randomly rocked up at the house.

They never met him before so he is a strange adult male who just rocked on up with OP's son who he's only been seeing for a few months and is now staying there. OP's partner, who has lived there 5 years is well within his rights not wanting a stranger he doesn't know staying in the house when his minor kids are there. It's basic safeguarding and a separate issue from is he homophobic or not.

Now, a separate issue. BF's had major surgery and had complications and his parents don't know? So BF is lying to his arent's about where he is? That does not explain why he didn't go home after he was discharged from the hospital.

@ComfyComet , when are you going to ask your son's bf to leave? If he can go for walks, he can manage a train.
Is your partner supposed to not take his custody time with his kids because your son has moved a complete stranger to you in and he's uncomfortable with that? You need to get on top of this.

What is happening is not a mystery or a secret. He's not out to his family, probably because he thinks they'll react badly, and it's preferable - and safer - for him to recover at his boyfriend's house rather than have to do so while risking being outed in an unsafe environment.

He is not causing a problem for the OP's household. She feels a responsibility towards her son's boyfriend, as is natural and correct.

Many CSA victims were abused by their mother's partner staying over.

It's almost staggeringly naive to not understand this.

She feels a responsibility towards her son's boyfriend, as is natural and correct.

Why? She has responsibilities to her own child, her partner and his kids who live in her home, not some rando bf of a few months.

I don't think it's natural to put a stranger ahead of her partner's minor kids who live in her home part time. I think it's really weird.

And he is causing a problem. OP's live in partner of 5 years is not comfortable taking his custody time with his kids. That's a huge problem.

OP’s other half isn’t the only one being homophobic - this thread just proves that

I don't know if his parents know he had surgery or where he is

Have you not asked him or your DS about this?

It’s one of the first things I would have asked if someone got rushed to hospital - what are your parents phone numbers and I’ll keep them updated on the surgery etc.

Even if it was my mum who is twice my age going in for surgery, I’d still want to know what’s going on and if she was staying with random people I’d be in contact with them to arrange to pick her up etc.

Obviously his parents might just not care but you seem to know very little about this strange man living in your home and I am on DH’s side that I’d not be happy with my children staying when a stranger is staying in my home.

Homophobia? Maybe.

Whats not up for dispute is that your husband is not a kind person. At all. That would be my bigger concern

Also, you could not send a bigger message that your son is a second class citizen in his stepdads eyes than telling him to have his boyfriehd leave so precious step siblings arebt at all put out, so dont do this

So he lives with his parents but they don't know where he is and haven't seen him for a week, but haven't contacted him to find out what's going on, and they don't know that he's got ill and they don't know he's gay?

I'd be much more concerned about your son's partner's home life than whether your partner might be homophobic OP.

I'm aware of that. I can also understand statistics enough to see that it is still an unlikely outcome, and I can understand the reality of the situation to assess that someone who's just had appendectomy will not be fitting sex crimes around their recovery.

Good luck to you when your kids bring their new partners home to meet you and you dismiss them as randos that you have no responsibility for if they need major surgery while staying with you.

Wow, how boring is your sex life that it's comparable to a short gentle walk? I hope you get better sex in the future.

The minor kids in the home take precedence over a rando bf that the adults in the home never met.

How does partner's kids' mom feel about having her kids stay over at his when there's a strange adult male staying there that the adults don't even know?

Children's safety takes precedence every time over any bf or gf and my kids know that.

This guy is an adult man who is cool with seriously imposing on his bf's mom and her partner and not going home when discharged from the hospital, but just showing up with no discussion where he doesn't even know the homeowner.. Who's going to be taking care of him when bf goes to work?

I think there's some serious red flags and boundary issues here.

Maybe because my dd is same age at uni I feel so sorry for this poorly lad.
He’s in a relationship with ds. Presumably they have been together a lot at uni. He’s been really ill. It’s understandable he wants to be with his boyfriend.
He may not have a good relationship with his mum and dad. Not all parents can have their adult kids back each summer holidays logistically or not all kids at uni want to go home.
The thought of him taking two trains and going back to some crappy student flat alone is awful. The son can’t go with him as he’s working from Monday.
Personally I couldn’t in all conscience ask him to leave. It will damage your relationship with ds.
If my daughter asks for a uni friend to stay, they can stay. If they need help I’d try and help and hope it would be reciprocated by her friends mum if she was ever in a similar situation.
Yes he’s an adult and not OP’s responsibility but I’d have compassion.

You've seen the reactions on this thread OP- your DS's boyfriend is strange, it's traumatising for your DP to see two men in love, gay people shouldn't be allowed around children.

These are possibly your DPs thoughts too. If they are, you will eventually face a choice between your DP and your DS so maybe start preparing for that.

Literally no one has said that.

But posters are concerned about the younger children in the household.

If a woman met a man off tinder a few days ago and invited him to live at her house for a while with her teenagers at home, the entire thread would be calling her all sorts and suggesting that she’s not thinking about her younger DC.

Why is it unsafe for a woman to bring an adult male to stay in her home that she barely knows but it’s not unsafe if that man is dating her son?

He’s not. He’s got his own children for the weekend. He doesn’t want a stranger in his home who he barely knows whilst his kids are there. That’s completely fair enough.

Doesn’t he have a home to go to where he can recuperate properly opposed to the home of strangers OP?

People literally have.

Do you actually think the children's safety is at stake though? Do you think it's likely that someone who's recovering from an appendectomy is going to do sex crimes here? Or are you basing this on prejudice, a poor understanding of statistics and a jobsworthy interpretation of a safeguarding course?