To think DP is being homophobic?

[ComfyComet]

DS is 22, DP isn't his bio dad but we've been together since he was 12, living together since he was 17. He has 2 boys of his own 14 and 12.

DS is gay and we only found out recently that he has a bf as the friend wasn't out to anyone, this is the first time meeting him as they met at uni (DS has just finished his last year and is planning to do his masters) and he's now home for the summer.

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he seems nice enough but he's very quiet which is fine but DP has said it's rude that he isn't talking to us

On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery and then a few days later it got infected so he had to go to hospital again he's still staying with us and recovering.

Tomorrow SC are due to come for the weekend and DP is saying he wants bf to go home before then as “it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met” I personally don't think this is the reason. He's been going on about how DS’s room was a mess yesterday and blamed bf although DS said it was him as he was sorting things for vinted. Dp also said I shouldn't cook a meal for someone who hasn't spoke much as yesterday I cooked dinner and both ds and his bf had some but DS has been doing most the cooking for them

AIBU ti think he's being homophobic but just making excuses to try and cover it up

Sounds like he’s just feed up of overstaying house guest
but yeah it’s a dick move see as the lads just had surgery

OP the rest is noise...it's common decency to host someone who was your guest and was taken terribly ill, had surgery, then post surgical complications and needs to heal regain strength before travelling.

It's basic human compassion

Traumatising himself because there's a gay mam in the house 🤣

They haven't being displaying public displays of affection so I don't see them starting now when SC are here

What about next door to parents having sex? Presumably all adults having sex are doing so quietly enough as to not disturb others.

I don't know if his parents know he had surgery or where he is but he's 20 so they might just think he's in his uni town depending on what he told them

And you think that's okay? Taking sexual orientation out of it, would you be okay if your son had surgery and complications from surgery at someone house and not told you? That he was being a burden on them but lied about where he was and you had no idea?

Of course it is inappropriate, while his is you house he is in your care, he is yours and your DPs responsibility and he could have died, it's not the same as if they were living somewhere else by themselves, they aren't independent, I'm sorry OP but you are being massively naive about all of this.

the fact that you don't know what is happening with his family is massively concerning, I'm not surprised your DP is pushing for a resolution, what happens on Monday when your son starts his job?.. They've got a perfect excuse for why he can't go home, so is he going to languish at yours till he's completely better, what is their long term plan?

No wonder your DP is getting angsty about it all, it is nothing to do with your son being gay at all.

Geez, can’t you or DH give the poor lad a lift home then? Have you asked the boyfriend (directly or via your son) whether his parents know he’s been in hospital and had surgery? I imagine they’d come and pick him up straightaway if they knew.
Oh, and it’s nonsense to say 2 young men - who aren’t together - don’t stay at each other’s homes. Friends do that all the time and unless the boyfriend’s parents are bonkers, it won’t arouse suspicion.

so no friend from uni, or after uni of any sex or gender is ever going to be allowed to stay in their house EVER when the steps are visiting?

Nothing 'random' about an adult child's romantic partner

Who you have never met, spoke to or heard about because up till this point he was a secret.. yep, all perfectly normal, nothing to see here.

That you link paedophilia to being gay 🤦‍♀️

You never suggested they had.

That's just bigots writing their own narrative.

They can't help themselves. They're driven by deeply rooted homophobia.

Someone bringing a partner home to meet parents isn't remotely unusual

I think there was a Hepburn / Tracey classic film on the theme

I would be very unimpressed with DH behaviour. If he doesn’t want his DC meeting a sick guest recovering from surgery, he should arrange to host them elsewhere. Could he take them to visit some relatives or something?

I absolutely would not be throwing this lad out of my house in this situation. I would strongly suspect DH is homophobic given all your updates.

What you do with that knowledge longer term is up to you, but I couldn’t tolerate living with someone with homophobic views.

The suggestion is til he's well enough to get home.

Way to say you've not been in love and wanted to stay together- particularly when one of you is ill

But she isn’t tolerating (or anything else for now) she’s asking for opinions and this is mine.
This is why MN exists!!
Your dumb escalation of my one sentence into a 0-100mph of her getting kicked out, advocating divorce etc etc is (to repeat myself) just dumb.

Someone bringing a partner home to meet parents isn't remotely unusual

Again for the hard of hearing, who they have never met, spoke to or heard about because up till this point he was a secret.. yep, all perfectly normal, nothing to see here.

Most people who bring their random boyfriend round for a first meeting don't insist on them sleeping there for weeks.

I lived 200 miles from my parents when I was younger so the only time they got to meet my boyfriends was when I brought them home. It was considered normal.

I guess that's because appendicitis with complications is actually quite rare.

But if they stayed over and you had younger siblings, there was an increased risk to them.

As a victim of CSA, no, I wouldn't be allowing a random 20 year old man I'd never met before, or heard about previously,* *to sleep in the house with my younger children, if it was a long term friend or boyfriend that I knew about, had spoken to, or some level of trust that they were a decent human being.. I'd be okay with a quick stop over if I was in the house, but I would not be allowing them to stay for weeks at a time.

If all adults, no problem to any of it.

If other people want to take that risk it is up to them, but IMO OPs DP is being very considerate of his children, and he has been considerate of his step son having his boyfriend come to stay, but it's going on too long now.

Doesn't show any signs of changing soon either, because the boyfriend is lying to his parents about where he is.

I'd be pissed off if I was him too.

And who decides when that is?

Absolutely you wonder how they kept their 12 year olds away from people 🙄

Normally MN are very risk adverse, and will be almost in unison that children should not be staying in a home with an unknown adult Male.

Not in this instance though.. how strange

How on earth can random people who don't know him assess he's being homophobic or not?

Only you know, OP.