AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

[Plumtotss]

I had quite an intense discussion with my husband - he’s on a spouse visa and we’ve been married for many years now - not gonna go into the ins and outs of everything but he said something that didn’t sit right with me - as our discussion got more heated (he was saying some irritating things about my family, particularly my mum who has always supported him as a son but also throughout his visa journey) and I told him to be more grateful - not in a condescending way but because he was truly being offensive and totally ignorant h
of how kind my family have been even though he’s mistreated them at times. Also, his family were no where to be seen when he needed them most. Then when he said soemthing that was really annoying I said to him that my family has always supported him and they didn’t have to - then he said even if they hadn’t he would have “found another woman” - don’t wanna overthink but is he implying that that's the basis for his stay? Like, he would have just found another woman and started a relationship for the purposes of staying in the UK? Or is is he possibly suggesting his main route would have been marriage as opposed to other visa routes? As mentioned, only he knows what he truly meant by that statement but yeah, doesn’t sit right with me.

Oh wow. I couldn’t forget that.

Hopefully it was just a stupid comment in the heat of the moment, but yes, I would have interpreted that to mean any woman with UK citizenship would suit his purposes. If you’ve otherwise had a great relationship for years, I’d give him the chance to explain himself and apologise when things calm down

Sadly, I think you know exactly what he meant by that comment. You were his visa ticket. The thing is, now you know, what will you do? How does he treat you, and your family on the whole? It is possible of course that whilst he chose you for that reason initially, he may have fallen in love with you and he wants to be with you for all the right reasons now. Of course, it might not... Do you have children with him? Is he a good dad?

Yes, it’s bothering me slightly because it’s not just a random thing to say. Yes it could have been in the heat of the moment but yeah, it can cause all sorts of questions to enter your head.

Op there's a few things here. That's an incredibly disrespectful comment about having found another woman and yes i think that would make me really question his motivation for being with you. That's very hurtful.

The other thing is that you mention he's mistreated your family where they've been accepting and supportive towards him?

I am usually of the opinion that your spouse becomes your immediate family and therefore you support them but not when they're in the wrong and not when they're treating others you care about badly. A) because that affects your relationships and b) the people you care about should be cared about by him if he cares about you. Why is he making disparaging comments about your mum and are they founded?

I think you need to think carefully about what the patterns are within this relationship and how well its serving you.

I would be expecting him to come back to you with an apology for what he's said.

Yes sounds like it. What a cunt.

Important questions that you’d better not ignore.

Why is it only bothering you slightly? It is hugely alarming.

Visa aside saying he would find another woman is disgusting. What a creature. I think I speak on behalf of all woman kind when I say, no thank you - we will pass.

Yes, I’m going to assume it was a stupid comment and perhaps he was upset too like me. He explained that he meant it as he would have still survived and ended up having a relationship and still being in the UK, not in the sense that he was on the hunt for any woman with a British passport.

Yes I am very alarmed. I’m not happy about it as all. But at the same time I’m looking at all the other signs and he’s a great father and very supportive. He doesn’t display the typical signs of someone who’s got ill intentions.

He felt that I was being disrespectful by defending my family - I think he also feels like I’m somehow acting like I’ve got the upper hand or something by telling him to be grateful. That’s the impression he was giving when explaining what he meant. I didn’t mean that at all - I was really hurt by how he makes comments about my family. I really don’t care about visas or citizenship or anything - it doesn’t make anyone better. I just want him to be more upfront about his true intentions and motivations.

He felt that I was being disrespectful by defending my family

Thats a worrying attitude. Why would you defending your family that has treated him well be disrespectful to him? Unless it’s ‘his way or the highway’?

Id be taking this further.

I would find it very difficult to forget that I appear to have been used to get British citizenship.

Well, it’s still very patriarchal. I remember a while ago he was making me breakfast and then his friend called and they were having a little catch up and when asked what he was doing, he said I’m making my wife breakfast and the friend said wow that's really strange, it should be the other way round sigh

In what way?

I told him that anyone would feel confused and upset by that comment, it raises many questions and can plant seeds of doubt.

I mean... that's not what he said.

Yes, he feels like I should be on his side instead. I told him I’m not against him, but I don’t agree with how he treats/speaks about my family sometimes.

I couldn't get over that.

Someone I know married an African man. He played a very long game. He's nothing like she thought. Been horrendous. Thankfully she's divorced now. He's very manipulative and made out he was abused by her! He remarried in his own country whilst still with her.

I definitely couldn’t let that comment lie. Can I ask how you both met? Was it online or in person? Did he heavily pursue you or love bomb you in any way?

We met in person, at uni. There was no lovebombing at all. He was very focused on his studies as an international student and didn’t even message me a lot. None of the typical love bombing stuff or suspicious behaviours.

wow, that’s pretty shocking 😭