AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

[Plumtotss]

I had quite an intense discussion with my husband - he’s on a spouse visa and we’ve been married for many years now - not gonna go into the ins and outs of everything but he said something that didn’t sit right with me - as our discussion got more heated (he was saying some irritating things about my family, particularly my mum who has always supported him as a son but also throughout his visa journey) and I told him to be more grateful - not in a condescending way but because he was truly being offensive and totally ignorant h
of how kind my family have been even though he’s mistreated them at times. Also, his family were no where to be seen when he needed them most. Then when he said soemthing that was really annoying I said to him that my family has always supported him and they didn’t have to - then he said even if they hadn’t he would have “found another woman” - don’t wanna overthink but is he implying that that's the basis for his stay? Like, he would have just found another woman and started a relationship for the purposes of staying in the UK? Or is is he possibly suggesting his main route would have been marriage as opposed to other visa routes? As mentioned, only he knows what he truly meant by that statement but yeah, doesn’t sit right with me.

I know £3500 is a lot of money to find but assuming he works he could take on extra hours, sell belongings, take a second job, sell back holiday entitlement, but instead he crawled over to a woman and took her cash despite hating her - what a weasel.

Does he respect any women?

I was very disappointed that he hadn’t saved for his visa renewal - I did try to remind him now and then but it’s not my sole responsibility to keep tabs on his spending as he’s a grown man that should take it seriously. I already have a lot on my plate so I couldn’t keep tabs on that side of things too. Yeah it’s not acceptable but he’s already paid nearly 100% of the money back to her so I’ll give him that at least. No, there’s no risk of our kids being taken abroad.

I think he meant what he said, now he is feeling comfortable and that type of disrespect will grow against you and your family. It was always about him but now he is just being more vocal about it.

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this to be honest.

Just one more point. Did your mum do it for you? To help her grandkids and her daughter?

I’d do anything for mine.

If so tell her you have screwed up and he's a wrong un. she might crack open the champagne and say that the 3.5k was the best money she’s ever spent if it made you (her daughter) realise she is married to a weasel.

It’s very disappointing, I know. He’s not very good with budgeting as well so that may have played a role with his saving abilities. Not an excuse but you can try and understand.

Yes, I think it was for me and her grandkids. But my mum has a big heart and has always forgiven his rude tendencies. She sees him like a son - she’s just a very kind woman. She’s not a pushover though, she knows when someone has crossed a line, she’s just kind.

Then why didn’t he go back to his own country and save from there.

Trust me if someone wants something bad enough then they’ll budget for it.

He could have given you some money every month to put into a savings account even.

Do you share children?
Are you not worried about the bills being paid or saving for holidays etc if he’s so reckless with money?

Edit: sorry just seen that you are already married.

As an adult clever enough to go to university to get a degree he should be capable of saving for his visa. If not why not? If he is bad with money what’s he done to fix that?

Was he able to save for his visa to get here as a student. (I think you mentioned you met at uni). Is he able to renew his driving licence and insure his car?

I totally get some people struggle to budget but there are plenty of places that will help if he is struggling with budgeting. And a visa is important surely? What would happen if your mum hadn’t helped?

Bet she’s doing it for you. She bites her tongue for you and her grandkids - I would.

Well, might sound surprising but he’s from a wealthy family and he’s always been spoiled and gifted. He told me he only brought a phone for himself after coming to the UK - prior to this everything had been purchased for him. Also, another reason why I now don’t think he said what he said in a bad way is because I didn’t mention but he already has lots of family in the UK who are British citizens so he may have already had options - I think he just felt highly offended by me expecting him to be grateful. So I think that’s what has maybe caused the uni ability to manage his own finances and perhaps the expectation that he’ll get bailed out of anything.

Yeah, just reckless spending. He’d try now and then but end up using it for soemthing else. In hindsight, I could have perhaps been stricter with him too

Why are you wasting your time with a man who doesn't respect you, bother to save for the paperwork that allows him to stay here with you (and your children?) and has repeatedly been rude to your mother?

I'd assume he set out with the specific purpose of finding someone to marry to secure a visa, but that doesn't mean your relationship has been a sham or that he'd have married just anyone.

I can see why he might lash out if there's often an expectation that he should be grateful to you and your family, not least because he knows it's true, but no one should have to be grateful that someone married them.

You’re not his mum, it’s not for you to remind him to save for the one thing that’s allowing him to stay in this country with his wife and children.

No one would not budget for this.

Why did he not borrow the money off his own family if they are so wealthy?

I completely agree.

I initially stood up for him saying it was a silly comment that has been taken the wrong way.

But he sounds absolutely awful and has no respect or love for OP at all.

Still, despite everything, you like him, respect him, and love him.

His man child ways are still working for him.

Glad you get along with him so well.

I left an abusive marriage a few months ago and ex - partner also relied on me for visa and citizenship. He actually lied to me and told me he had full citizenship throughout until during holidays I found out due to his travel restrictions.

He cheated on me with women from his own country. I left him with two babies. Be careful and don't become me.

He cut them all off. Don’t really understand why.

He sounds quite similar to my ex as he was also ungrateful for all my family did for him and took offense when I mentioned that he never thanked my dad!

In a vacuum, I'd take it as no one would marry someone if they didn't like their family, because it's important to have good relationships with in-laws/potential grandparents of your kids. And if someone had a very nasty mum or dad, people would worry their spouse could turn into them (unfair sometimes, I know).
But you know the particular case, and while on it's own I'd let this go, is it there's other things that worry you.

well if he was bought up with no sense of money he's going to be bad at budgeting and not do well at having little money. (that isnt a justification, so please don't take it as such - he could very easily hold his hands up and say 'im shit with money and need help to learn budgeting')

also, youre worrying about this particular comment but it sounds like hes been making various comments for a long time that should've had you boot him out the door.

according to you, your mum is a kind a lovely woman - how do you feel about KEEPING (not bringing, because we all make. mistakes) this man in her life?

He sounds like he's hit his limit of how 'pro-women' he can be to be honest. just because he's not as bad as his mate, doesn't mean he's ever going to be totally free of his background culture's view on women. Also, you know, we know, he knows he meant he used you to get a visa. and don't assume love-bombing always comes in some stereotyped fashion where theyre all over you saying I love you and wanting to spend all their time with you. you still now remember that he didnt even message that much....? that sounds like game playing to me.

Wow. What a peach. I’d be worrying here. My mind would be going a million to the dozen.

Entitled little shit isn’t he? Expect this to get worse and why would you allow your mother to pay for him even though he’s rude to her and about her.

In patriarchal systems despite whats said about your wife's mother behind closed doors, being rude to her in person is utterly disrespectful and would embarrass his family and taking money off you in-laws would be embarrassing (depending on where he’s from).

He has zero respect for you, honestly he’s getting comfy and is going to turn into more of an asshole as time goes on. Also if he comes from a wealthy family they could have sent him the money couldn’t they?

Just do yourself a favour now and get rid of him, this is going to cause you more pain in the future.

There is a coldness running through him - just be careful that he doesn't show this more and more.

Not saving even a percentage of the visa money is strange. There is an entitlement expecting others will bail him out.