AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

[Plumtotss]

I had quite an intense discussion with my husband - he’s on a spouse visa and we’ve been married for many years now - not gonna go into the ins and outs of everything but he said something that didn’t sit right with me - as our discussion got more heated (he was saying some irritating things about my family, particularly my mum who has always supported him as a son but also throughout his visa journey) and I told him to be more grateful - not in a condescending way but because he was truly being offensive and totally ignorant h
of how kind my family have been even though he’s mistreated them at times. Also, his family were no where to be seen when he needed them most. Then when he said soemthing that was really annoying I said to him that my family has always supported him and they didn’t have to - then he said even if they hadn’t he would have “found another woman” - don’t wanna overthink but is he implying that that's the basis for his stay? Like, he would have just found another woman and started a relationship for the purposes of staying in the UK? Or is is he possibly suggesting his main route would have been marriage as opposed to other visa routes? As mentioned, only he knows what he truly meant by that statement but yeah, doesn’t sit right with me.

No worries, I can understand why though

How many years has he been on a spouse visa,

and how many years will he be required to be on a spouse visa ?

Well only you know his nationality and the exact circumstances of how you met, how quickly he decided you were the one etc.... but let's be honest, it's not difficult to imagine that a person in need of a spousal visa will be rather more invested in quickly finding 'the one' than a person not in need of a spousal visa....

It's just a pragmatic approach. It doesn't mean he doesn't genuinely love you or that he's not happy. But it's hard not to come to the conclusion that he was on the hunt for a woman to love in the UK who could fulfill that transactional side of things for him as well as make him happy on a personal level.

But you surely must have asked yourself all this before now. If not then you should have.

You’re his wife, you are best placed to judge his personality

But your explanation sounds just like that he's not here because he loves you he wants the visa.....does he work does he do his fair share of domestic duties, does he pay his fair share

Op you say he’s a good husband & Father & you guys are together a long time .
To be honest I can see how he could pick up from what you’re saying to him as , “ you should be grateful we took you on “ ,
I also can see how you might pick up from his comment , that you weren’t anything special he would have just found a different British woman to marry .
Him speaking badly of your family isn’t nice to hear , but how come he’s doing that in the first place , what’s the story there ? .

Your mum didn't give him 3.5k though, she loaned you guys money to pay for it? You are putting alot on him for not having saved but you're married, surely you knew and saw this coming? Is it not a joint thing?

The comment was harsh, agreed. But I do stand with the PP who came at it from the opposite angle. Ie, he's saying, he didn't need you he could have picked anyone if it was just for a visa - not that he doesn't love you.

It’s not just her family it’s her friends too and calling them names which intimate that they indulge in sinful behaviour. If OP called his female friends the same name he’d be up in arms over it.

You say the argument got heated. How hard did YOU attack HIM?

It's the phrasing. Is he a native English speaker (or would understand the difference): "I would have met someone else / ended up with someone else" vs "I would have 'found' + 'another woman'". (another woman = generic)

It betrays the root of his thought processing i.e. where his intentions toward you really lay. If he'd been imagining himself in a relationship with someone else, and then formulated a thought to share with you, it would have been pulled from a different pool of phrases and vocab. That's my two cents. And only applies where someone's language skills are sufficient for them to be pulling phrases like this based on historical association. If not native / super fluent, ask what he meant by that. Share your concerns. If you're not comfortable doing that then this isn't a healthy relationship.

I’m sorry he said this. Unfortunately, it sounds like he meant it as it sounds. I would be very wary.

And how do those views align with a man relying on money from his mum-in-law?

I bet he absolutely resents it, but it is easier than sacrificing and saving.

And I bet your mum really doesn't like him, hides it, but he can tell.

Why would she give £3.5k to a man she doesn't like? Because she doesn't want to see you upset, OP, by having your child's father deported and you then following him to his country.

I'm feeling very concerned that you, and your children, are quite vulnerable.
Can you find someone outside the situation (GP/Counsellor/Women's Aid/support group?) to talk over the details and get a perspective check?
Wishing you all the best ❤️

It’s a shit*y comment to make and definitely not something anyone would want to hear as they would absolutely interpret it the way you have. It is not a defense at all for him but as a UK citizen married and moved to the US, my husband has said a couple of times something along the lines of “you should be grateful “ …. Wanted to tear him a new one as a result and have said some hurtful things in return.

I didn’t choose him so I could live in the US, I chose him, and would move back to the UK in a heartbeat as that’s where my family are. Any comments about being grateful to him, his family or friends for any part of my, or our, situation are incredibly triggering that I would never have even given a second thought to previously. Many immigrants feel the same way. We make choices for the people we love and it’s frustrating when we’re told to be grateful as it can come across as if our lives would be terrible without the help and assistance of the non immigrant partner / family.

May not be the case here but it’s worth keeping in mind if usually a good husband etc that there are certain sensitivities a non immigrant would never even consider to be a touchy thing to say …. Especially when there may also be language and cultural differences thrown into the mix

Maybe I’m too tolerant but I don’t really think the comment is that bad. It’s just a fact, he likely would have met someone else if he hadn’t met you. And in the same vein, you likely would have met and married another man. I actually think your comments about how grateful he should be to your family are a bit condescending. They do come across as if you think you’re better than him because you provided him with a visa. I don’t think he is in the wrong here…

Personally, I couldn’t forget it. It doesn’t look like he regrets saying it either. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

They do come across as if you think you’re better than him because you provided him with a visa.

This is exactly how is sounds to me when my husband says it to me as an immigrant whether he intends it that way or not

The rest of the family didn’t even know about it because they warned her not to give him any more money considering some of his rude behaviours.

What are these rude behaviours to your mum? He's sounding deeply unpleasant and you sound very passive.

To me it sounds like in the heat of the moment you telling him he should be more grateful was taken by him as you meaning he "owes" you because without you he couldn't be in the UK now.
So his response was to snap back that he could have found someone else - which is like saying that he is not beholden to you or your family.

We're all reactive in arguments as things heat up. In that moment he probably just didn't like it sounding like you hold all the cards so hit back where he could.

If you're otherwise happy OP, leave it be. But I am, like other posters, a bit concerned that he has mistreated your family and doesn't seem to see that as a problem.

It depends on the context. If he is dependent on the marriage to stay in the country he wants.... then is it possible you are leaning on him all the time and he feels that he is vulnerable and being exploited, not feeling he can stand up for himself for fear of deportation. He might be feeling really coerced and not answering back 99% of the time.

He is probably in a very vulnerable situation from his POV. Quite opressed?

@Plumtotsshe sounds extremely similar to my ex husband who also came over on a spouse visa. We married in his home country then 2 years later came back to the UK to live. He hated my family and my best friend although they did so much to help him and us. My friend bought a flat and rented it to us when we came back and also gave him a cash in hand job. My parents came and stayed for 6 weeks when I gave birth as he wouldn’t take any time from work. (They live abroad)6 months later I had to have a spinal op after a slipped disc. I literally couldn’t walk due to the pain and had a 6 month old baby. My mum came over again to help out while I recovered as he wouldn’t take time off work. He turned out to be narcissistic, misogynistic and abusive. I feel so lucky we had A DD, if it had been a boy he wouldn’t have been disappointed and would definitely have tried to turn him against me. Be very careful because he is unlikely to change.

The argument was obviously heated, and it seems like things were said on both sides that are easy to misinterpret (though they could equally have meant what they seemed to). But apart from that particular argument you sound genuinely, and it seems rightly, angry with him for his rudeness and attitudes. And now you are naturally wondering if he thinks about you in the same way as he thinks about your family and friends. And you have doubts about the way he deals with things and people when things don't go his way , and what it might mean for the future, especially given how he has cut his own family off. I'd be worried too.

Why didn’t you ask him what he meant?

I would be telling him he’s not to disrespect my mother given he expects people to respect him.
Treat others as you would wish to be treated and you can’t go wrong.

You earn respect, it’s not yours by right!
Unfortunately in some cultures male children are treated like little gods.

Please listen to your gut OP. I was in a similar situation. My ex had literally nothing. He is a functioning alcoholic who used me and every other woman he met and abandoned me and our now adult daughter and has hardly seen her and now owns a grade II house by the coast. While I have CPTSD several medical issues ( even though I have always lived quite healthy ) and can no longer work. Ironically the more I gave up the more my health worsened. I honestly believe it’s trauma that has done this to me. Furthermore to add to add to my worries, I was recently prescribed statins by my gp for cholesterol but I developed side effects and now after blood tests and a CT scan. I’m also now waiting to see a liver specialist and I don’t even drink. Please, please listen to your red flags and run like hell from this manipulative waste of space who is clearly using you.