AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

[Plumtotss]

I had quite an intense discussion with my husband - he’s on a spouse visa and we’ve been married for many years now - not gonna go into the ins and outs of everything but he said something that didn’t sit right with me - as our discussion got more heated (he was saying some irritating things about my family, particularly my mum who has always supported him as a son but also throughout his visa journey) and I told him to be more grateful - not in a condescending way but because he was truly being offensive and totally ignorant h
of how kind my family have been even though he’s mistreated them at times. Also, his family were no where to be seen when he needed them most. Then when he said soemthing that was really annoying I said to him that my family has always supported him and they didn’t have to - then he said even if they hadn’t he would have “found another woman” - don’t wanna overthink but is he implying that that's the basis for his stay? Like, he would have just found another woman and started a relationship for the purposes of staying in the UK? Or is is he possibly suggesting his main route would have been marriage as opposed to other visa routes? As mentioned, only he knows what he truly meant by that statement but yeah, doesn’t sit right with me.

Talk to him.
If he started to make a habit of being nasty then he needs to get his act together.

I don't think you can determine from his comment that he doesn't love you, but you can 100% be sure that he was actively seeking to marry a British woman for a visa and if you didn't meet that criteria then he wouldn't have married you.

Does he depend on being married to you to keep his (renewed) visa, or could he stay here if you were divorced? (Settled status, indefinite leave to remain, whatever it’s called)

Why don’t you understand why?

He is your husband of many years who you share kids with.

These are your children’s relatives.

The more you post, the more naive you sound and the worse he sounds.

If you have been married for years he doesn't 'need you' anymore and can apply for citizenship without you, so I think given this it was a crap comment and nothing more.

At worst, he does think he can find another woman easily if you split.

At best, he wanted to make the point that he is not beholden to you and your family.

In either case, I would file this behaviour away and make a mental note to look for any signs of a roving eye and also make sure you are not too financially entangled ie keep your savings separate.

Yes, I understand you can apply for UK citizenship after 3 years of residency.

Has he not taken his UK test?

Obviously despite his family funding him in uni in UK he didn’t want them to finance his extended visa in UK (or fell out with them due to this). It’s very strange now in UK that he’s cut off from his family living here, was it a fall out due to him marrying a woman from another culture or something else?

Not saving money for his extended visa (getting a job or second job) would leave a really bad taste in my mouth as OP and then slagging off his MIL. I bet when MIL passes he’ll gladly help OP to spend her share of any inheritance due to OP. And yes this visa business did happen years ago but to spit this out during an argument would as I said before cause me no end of worry. As it’s doing with OP.

He could stay because he has British children. I've helped people get settled status and recourse to public funds, based on their children being British.

OP from my experience, compatability and life goals, their needs being met, come before 'love'. They generally don't change, unlike being in love. He's right that he would have found another British woman to marry. I find people downplay what a patriarchal society actually means. He isn't going to feel grateful to a woman. He thinks your Mum , via being a woman, is beneath him. He's showing his real thoughts. As her 'son' he probably feels entitled to her money. He has cut his parents off because they would put conditions on him. You've got to both agree to lay off each other's family. The asking for gratitude has got to stop and your Mum not lend him anymore money. However that would impact on you and the children. As said, don't be stupid re money, keep savings separate etc. He's getting restless and could be planning an exit. His friend won't be helping.

Well to be fair, you didn’t say no to it either did you @Plumtotss?

Why didn’t you save for this together given that you are a team and share a family?

Thar aside… you don’t paint a very good picture of him. He doesn’t sound like he’s a good person. Is that just how it’s coming across?

This was a few years ago. A colleague, British, met someone when they were both working abroad (not his home country). They married, gave up their jobs, and moved to the UK.

He kept applying for jobs in the NHS and not getting them. She carried on supporting him while he did a further medical qualification, still no job. They moved away, and a year or three later I heard he had finally got a permanent job in the NHS, also got residence/permanent leave to remain/British nationality/whatever - and quickly divorced her.

I’m not sure how long he had been in the UK by then, but it was more than 5 years.

he didn’t make any effort to save for his visa renewal whatsoever.

So he doesn't give a shit about staying with you then? Or for the children? Wake up OP, he's only hanging around because you give him things, it's not because he loves or cares for you.

It sounds like he thinks giving him support is a due. That’s what happened when he was a kid so you or your mum helping him just the continuation of that.
Ofc being told he needs to be thankful, let alone grateful, landed badly 🙄🙄

And because there’s always been someone to ‘save him’, why should he be careful with budgeting and planning in advance?

As for his comment re another woman would do too, I suspect it has been said to hurt you back.
But it’s also a reflection of his feelings towards you.
He might be a good father, good partner etc… it doesn’t mean you’re irreplaceable to him iyswim. And he can’t take it back, regardless of how many times he says ‘That’s not what I meant’.

I have to say, my first step would be to say that, from now in, you’re going to let him handle his budget etc…all in his own. I wouldn’t remind him that he needs to save money. I wouldn’t remind him to be careful. I certainly wouldn’t propose to lend him money (and esp not your mum either) when he fucks up again. And he will I’m sure.
And I think your mum and you need to start standing up to yourselves. Letting him being rude and insulting isn’t helping either

It almost seems calculated that he didn't bother to save. It was his responsibility, his visa! Even with his MIL helping him out, he is bad mouthing her. That must be so hurtful for the OP to hear.

Bet he would love to get his fingers on any inheritance from MIL despite him not liking her!

It’s extremely hurtful. It’s complicated because as I keep saying, the being grateful comment isn’t about acting like my family were his “saviours” or something. It is as more to do with getting him to understand that you can’t just speak about people however you want. I tried to speak to him so we could resolve the argument and all I got was verbal abuse and more insults about my family - he somehow got my sisters involved, called my friends “harlots” and said I was “collecting evidence” against him. I didn’t get a word in edgeways and was completely baffled that I didn’t say a word. Absolutely ludicrous.

Yes, this may be so, I guess that’s why there’s a pattern of him cutting people off when they stop supporting him financially. I think that’s why he cut some of his family members off initially when they stopped funding his student visa at that time.

Yeah, someone made a comment about maybe he’s getting too comfortable and true behaviours are coming out at the opportune time.

Well, it’s not for me to start judging him as a person - but he definitely has some qualities that are damaging to any relationship let alone a marriage.

Oh wow, that’s a terrible thing to say.

You know the saying, things said in anger / argument are usually an individuals true feelings.
Your updates are very telling too. He comes from a wealthy family so technically he could afford to support himself. He doesn’t need to borrow money at any time, especially now he has a stable job but continues to take from your mum who presumably is retired or heading towards retirement in a few years? He never brought anything for himself - oh woe me or he doesn’t have want for anything?

Sorry you’ve discovered his true agenda or character.

I’d find that troubling too but then I’d have heard your comment as you should be grateful you have me which I’d find tough if I were him too- it sounds like a heavy argument that went wrong

I really hope it all works out OP.

If he’s from a patriarchal culture he will have meant what he said about your friends being harlots, that’s what those men often think of white women.

Not so patriarchal that he won’t take money off a woman when he needs it, one notes, despite coming from a wealthy family!
I’m afraid he doesn’t sound the greatest.

What happens if his visa isn’t renewed? Are you generally supporting him financially?

I didn’t tell him that he should be grateful he has me - he started complaining about my mum so I said, considering how much she’s been good to you I’m so surprised you’re saying these things - I’m not saying he has to fake and pretend he likes her, but I’m saying that I dont expect him to speak rudely about my family - and I’m not talking about a few grievances here and there, when he wants to start complaining about someone he uses extremely degrading and hostile language. It’s not the same as maybe saying “yeah your mum can be a bit much etc” it’s stuff that can really really hurt someone.

Bloody hell what a prince amongst men, calling your friends harlots. You do realise that is what he probably thinks you are deep down. Your poor kids. Wouldn’t surprise me that he’s the type to take the kids back to his home country for a holiday and then didn’t return to UK.

He probably thinks he’s been living on easy street for years, as I said before waiting for your mum to die for her inheritance and knowing she’s a handy source of funds to tap if he needs to.

I’m actually feeling quite upset right now 😞