AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

[Plumtotss]

I had quite an intense discussion with my husband - he’s on a spouse visa and we’ve been married for many years now - not gonna go into the ins and outs of everything but he said something that didn’t sit right with me - as our discussion got more heated (he was saying some irritating things about my family, particularly my mum who has always supported him as a son but also throughout his visa journey) and I told him to be more grateful - not in a condescending way but because he was truly being offensive and totally ignorant h
of how kind my family have been even though he’s mistreated them at times. Also, his family were no where to be seen when he needed them most. Then when he said soemthing that was really annoying I said to him that my family has always supported him and they didn’t have to - then he said even if they hadn’t he would have “found another woman” - don’t wanna overthink but is he implying that that's the basis for his stay? Like, he would have just found another woman and started a relationship for the purposes of staying in the UK? Or is is he possibly suggesting his main route would have been marriage as opposed to other visa routes? As mentioned, only he knows what he truly meant by that statement but yeah, doesn’t sit right with me.

This is ingrained into him the nasty degrading words. They won’t go away. What’s worse if you have a son I bet he’ll speak to him and tell him to be a man and behave like him. Which of course I hope your son doesn’t do at all.

Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.

No, I won’t let that happen.

No you haven’t upset me😊

I don’t think the comment is something you’d say if you didn’t mean it because he knows full well once that’s out there there’s no taking it back. That would stick in my mind forever.

Even if this guy was the same nationality and there were no issues around visas etc I would still say he’s not a good man for you to be married to. Good men don’t insult and degrade the very people who have helped him. He is not a good man.

Thats not your fault, hats his fault but you must be aware you’ve asked your lovely sounding family to tolerate his abuse for your sake. Really think about that.

That’s good.

That’s good too. You sound a strong, sensible woman.

It is sadly concerning what he’s said. His subsequent comments make it worse. How could he say those things about your friends even in anger? What have they ever done to him? I’m guessing they’ve done or said nothing wrong.

Yeah they’ve done nothing to him, they have no idea about how he feels about them. It’s so absurd the stuff he comes out with sometimes.

Has he experienced racism whilst he’s been living here? Directly? Maybe that’s one of the reasons why he feels your mum hates him. Doesn’t help that he’s NC with his family especially in UK and all that entails. He may feel adrift for want of a better word in your family and as he doesn’t have contact with his own family probably feels it worse as time goes on.

You could have a series of conversations about this. Really thrash it out and say how much it’s hurt you. Get him to put his cards on the table too. Maybe then things will improve. You can decide after that what you want to do and try to get over these hurtful sayings. But spell out that it is hurtful and especially to your friends who seemingly have done nothing wrong to him. It would be very different if your friends had been racist or unfriendly towards him.

If he’s a good husband, father and provider those are good qualities.

Finally, you might want to suggest he reaches out an olive branch to his family with your support. Things could be resolved there too which would ease his mind.

Some people fire out nasty hurtful words sometimes understanding or not understanding how hurtful they actually are. He’s said this about your friends as he knows it would hurt you and you’d never tell them what he actually said. But he knows it’s insulting to them through you. He might believe the harlot description as it’s culturally ingrained but again why would he have married you, a white woman of a different culture had he not accepted you? And if you have a daughter, she can’t be a harlot as she’s half of both cultures.

Would he accept it if you made glib offensive generalisations about his culture and friends and family? No, of course not.

but he’s not that hard core in beliefs id he is happy to take money from a woman he seems to dislike

he’s a hypocrite and not even a smart one

I really appreciate all of your comments, it’s helping with addressing the concerns I have, but I’m slightly confused as to why you keep assuming I’m white?

I call my husband out at times, when he is out of order/rude about my Mum. She has always accepted him, been very supportive and is our main baby sitter!! He doesn't like it but it's tough!
There sounds like some cultural clashes, which doesn't help and I would be concerned about him cutting off his family. He sounds like he might be trying to alienate you from your family.
I think you need to consider your options, he doesn't sound like a vet nice or healthy man to be married to.

He doesn’t listen to anyone, he’s always right and everyone is always wrong

Has he got his indefinite right to remain here in the uk without you or a British passport

I know a fair few people who partners left within a year or so once as they got British citizenship/ passport

all of them had kids and were happy to fuck off once they had British citizenship

that was their aim from the start
and quite happy to play the long game

He still on a spouse visa

I’m wondering why you married him in the first place, because this doesn’t sound like it’s just about one comment.

The biggest red flag is him saying he “would have found another woman.” Even if he now says he meant something different, it’s a deeply hurtful thing to say and it’s understandable that it has left you questioning his motives.

What also stands out is the lack of respect he shows towards your family, despite everything they did to help him. Rather than acknowledging their support, he criticises them and then accuses you of being disrespectful when you defend them. That’s turning the issue back on you instead of taking responsibility for his own behaviour.

You’ve also described him having very rigid ideas about the roles of men and women. If one partner believes men and women have fixed roles and expects those views to dictate the relationship, that can lead to an unhealthy imbalance.

Calling women “harlots” is another major red flag. It suggests a lack of respect towards women and a tendency to judge or demean them in ways that most people would find unacceptable.

Taken together, this doesn’t read as an isolated argument. It sounds like there has been a pattern of disrespect, controlling attitudes and misogynistic views that you’ve perhaps overlooked until now. The comment about “finding another woman” may simply have been the moment that brought all of those concerns into sharp focus.

I’d be asking myself not just what he meant by that one sentence, but whether this pattern of behaviour is something I’d be willing to live with for the rest of my life.

So how long has he got to go till he gets ILR / British citizenship

honestly I like I said I have several friend men / woman who all did the marriage , spouse visa and as soon as they got British citizenship/ passport within a year or so they were gone

2 of them have remarried in England to women from there home country and have got them in the uk on I’m guessing a spouse visa

honestly some ( not all ) play the long long game

You hold the power here OP - you could very easily report him to the home office for visa fraud.....

Crikey. That’s not great.

Oh sorry! I just assumed. Sorry for assuming you are white.

Maybe you need to have a look at that relationship @Plumtotss
Theres quite a lot in a few posts that disturb me. Not just his arrogance and believing people are there to help him esp women. But the demeaning words.

Its the ‘qualities that are damaging to any relationship, let alone marriage’
and
when he wants to start complaining about someone he uses extremely degrading and hostile language

In just a few paragraphs there 🚩🚩 after 🚩🚩.
I know people have mentioned him being there for the long game. But more to the point, I don’t think any of his values actually align with yours. I mean even other family members have encouraged your mum to take some distance and stop helping him right? They can see the nastiness and the rudeness.
Maybe you need to look closer at how he is, without the rose tinted glasses we all have at the start of a relationship

I think a lot of it is also due to me not really having relationship experience and that whole youthful naivety and not really understanding until much later what behaviours are seriously not okay and damaging

But does she really want to think about possible separation and divorce?

Also, as an aside, I’m surprised he hasn’t taken his immigration status further and got IDTR or British citizenship or dual nationality. All of which cost money. I’ve worked for an immigration solicitors (and since rules became stricter) and most people who were our clients and wanted to stay in the UK went through whatever process they had to do and spend time and money doing so. I’d be slightly worried that at some point in the future with a spousal visa, that he’d like to move back to his home country and then, if that’s the case, are you expected to move with him? Even the former Yugoslavian and Polish and Slovak friends I know have all renounced their citizenship of their birth country and gained British citizenship, whether they’re married or not. Even two sisters, one of them couldn’t get dual nationality (her DH is Dutch and they live in the Netherlands) so she had to renounce her Bosnian citizenship. I do know 2 Polish couples, one has children, the other doesn’t and they both have dual nationality including the children.